Merry Christmas

such a boy

I was reading an article about the differences in fetal hormones in boys vs girls and how some of the residue from the plastics used to process foods (phthalates) that we are all ingesting are screwing them up (they essentially mimic estrogen) so that baby/toddler boys with high levels of phthalates are not engaging in as much "masculine" play (using sticks as toy guns, etc) as those with low levels. But so far Jonathan is all boy for example.

A few days ago he started really going to town on the lobster WWF style.


In the video below he is just dealing his victory body slams (I didn't get the camera out quite in time to catch the hard core wholoping). But he has really taken the drooling to a new level- notice the foaming spittle dripping off his chin and the snot bubble caught on camera.

pooping and sippy cups

Jonathan has been having a problem with his pooping. I guess he hasn't really been bothered by it, but I am concerned that he has suddenly transitioned from pooping 1-2x a day to pooping once every 7-10 days. I called the pediatrician last week when we realized that it had been 10 days since his last poop and the pediatric nurse who called me back to discuss the problem didn't really believe me that there had been no significant change to his diet and seemed to think that I must be slipping something in with that breast milk. Anyway her suggestions were to "stimulate him rectally" with rectal thermometer for 10-15 minutes or give him some apple juice. Well it wasn't super hard to decide which to try first.

Anyway, something about drinking juice from a bottle just seems wrong to me. So I decided to put a few ounces of apple juice in a sippy-cup for him. Mistake. While he is super interested in trying to drink from a regular cup, he thought the sippy-cup was just a fun toy. I held it while he drank the first few sips and then let him hold it while I turned away ever so briefly. And in the miliseconds I had my head turned Jonathan started shaking the cup upside-down over his head. Juice was pouring out of it all over everything. Awesome.

another worry

babies drink milk; children eat food

The trouble is that babies miraculously transition into children, but I have no idea how to transition from milk and mashed-smashed-pureed mush into cheerios and chunks of banana without Jonathan choking and dying. Several of my "baby's first year guides" have all suggested that about now babies are ready to begin "experimenting" with finger food and list "well ripened pears" as a potential starting point. So this morning as I was eating slices of a "well ripened pear" and holding Jonathan, I let him hold onto a slice and mush on it with his gums and mini-tooth. He loved it and was vigorously gumming at the pear when I noticed that he had actually scraped a good bit off and had a mouthful of mushy pear goo. He wasn't choking or caughing or distressed in any way. I panicked. I turned him on his tummy, whacked on his back and frantically dug all of the pear mush out of his mouth with my forefinger- just as I'd learned in infant CPR. And that made him distressed. But it occured to me that "experimenting" implies there will be some trial and error- but here error could be fatal. I guess now that the serious risk of SIDs has somewhat diminished, I can focus on choking to death as my new obsessive worry.

worse to better

Aaahh, sweet relief!  Last night Jonathan slept from 7-11:30 and then until 3am and then until 6am.   And this without me having a plan yet.  Getting up 2x a night obviously still isn't ideal, but it sure beats getting up 6x a night!

from bad to worse

I know most babies sleep better than Jonathan, and we are going from bad to worse over here. At his best he sleeps for 12-14 hours and wakes up every 4-5 hours to eat. At his wost we have last night. He woke up crying 6 times between 7pm and 8am: 10pm, 12:30am, 2am, 2:30am, 4am, and 6am. And I don't mean that he woke up whimpering and fussing a little bit. I am talking all out, full-blown, shreak-sobbing. Over the weekend he woke like this 1hour after nursing and since it had been such a short time and was the middle of the night and we were trying to discourage this sort of pattern we decided to grin and bear it and wait it out- and he wailed for a full hour before I broke down and nursed him again.

I am working on a plan- I don't know what it is, but there has to be something!!

milestones

We lowered the mattress in Jonathan's crib yesterday. In my naive mind there are three makers that distinguish between a "little" baby and a "big" baby: sitting up on own, sleeping in a crib at the lower setting, and crawling. So, along with his 7 month birthday this past week, lowering the matress is freaking me out. I guess I thought we would never get to this point. All summer I would read about/talk to mothers who had 7, 8 or 9 month old babies and I would think "I have nothing in common with this woman- Jonathan is a little baby and 7-9 month olds are big" Sort of the way poodles are little dogs and great danes are big dogs. And now that my little baby is becoming a big baby it is dawning on me that he will, in fact, become a toddler and then a little boy and then a boy and then a teenager..... And that I probably have a lot more in common with mothers of 5 year olds than I think!!

heart

One of the many hard things about loosing someone you love is how it makes you close off your heart. I find myself consciously thinking things like "no, don't call that person, you don't want to get too close- it'll only hurt more when you inevitably have to say good-bye" or starting to make mental lists of friendships I could jettison to guard my heart against future loss. I am shocked that I consciously think these things! (I am scared to think about what is going on subconsciously). I think it would be really easy for me to start to wall myself off to guard my heart. It would feel good. It would feel safe. I would enjoy nestling into my pain and letting it poison my heart.

Every time I catch myself I have to talk me back from the edge and remember that all of those things that make it hard when you say goodbye are all of the exact same things that make life worth living in the first place. And that I believe life is worth living and that somehow, mysteriously, the joy outweighs the pain.

a different sort of thanksgiving

Again it comes down to living in the present. To enjoy and give thanks for the wonder and sorrow that this moment holds without letting yourself get caught in worry about tomorrow or regret about yesterday. Over the past two days most of my hours have been in the hospice wing of the hospital, but surrounded by the most wonderful family I could have ever asked for- parents, husband, uncles, brother, baby and gramma. Every moment has been precious. There has been real grief in every moment, but there has also been real joy in every moment. I think the trick of it all is to hold them both in tension. As I've learned to pay attention to my own soul, I have found that the dark, hopeless, empty pain comes almost exclusively when I borrow worry about what will happen in the future or dwell in the past that will never be repeated.

If you are a praying person, pray for us. It is not easy to watch someone you love so much die and that dark pain is hard to keep at bay.

tooth!

I was putting Jonathan to bed a few minutes ago and as I was picking him up to carry him upstairs, he jammed the fleshy part of my thumb into his mouth and as he chomped/sucked on my hand, it felt odd. So I peeked into his mouth (no easy task considering that he insisted on sticking his tongue out)... and there was a tiny little tip of a tooth!!!

Jim and I agree that we are not sure what we think of this latest development for several reasons:

1) We are flying tomorrow- flying with a teething baby might not be as much fun as it sounds

2) Jonathan has the perfect smile exactly the way it is. What if we don't like this new "toothed" look?

3) nursing..??

ending

My Gramma was admitted to the hospital ICU on Sunday 1400 miles from where I live. She has terminal bone cancer and has run out of treatment options. She is not doing well. I do not know if I will ever get to see her again.

I am wrestling with the enormous heartache that comes with the imminent loss of someone who has always seemed bigger than life and has always been an embodiment of grace and love and strength. As long as I have known her she has been so full of life and laughter. She has led an amazing life and I think this is her time. But she will leave a huge hole in all of our hearts. The world will be so much less without her and I just feel heavy.

How can life hold so much sorrow and so much joy? I'm not sure our souls are designed to handle endings.

just for grampa steve

hands and knees

Yesterday I set Jonathan down on the floor to play on his tummy. And to my surprise, when I plopped him down he landed on his hands and knees instead of on his tummy. He looked delighted with himself and just sat there looking around (mostly at the dog) for several minutes before he fell over onto his tummy. He was so adorable I had to snap a picture!

video of the day...

How is it that the baby totally consumes all activities during my day and then after he goes to bed I spend hours reviewing pictures and videos of him?? Some might call this sort of behavior obsessive...

money

My idea of being responsible with money used to be to simply spend as little as possible (by buying only what was necessary for life and getting as good a deal as possible- even if that means buying saurkraut in 5 gallon containers at Costco) and then putting as much money as possible into savings.  But my ideas are starting to change...

I was reading "In Defense of Food" over the summer and at the end of the book, after arguing the ills of the food industry's over processing food, the author made the excellent point that we are anything but powerless against this corporate problem.  Every time we shop, we are casting our votes for or against real food produced in a sustinable and responsible way.  Sure we don't always have all the information we need, or have unlimited access to alternatives, but there are enough alternatives in farmer's markets, grocery produce sections, CSAs, etc that we can make a difference.  And that has been bouncing around in my little brain ever since.  Somehow the idea that using money responsibly is more than getting a good deal had never occured to me.  But the more I ponder it, the more I love the idea that spending it can be a tool to promote sociatal change and support industries and practices I think are important. 

So in that vein, Jonathan and I went on our first adventure to the local farmer's market on Sunday and it was great.  I think we will join their next CSA season starting in January and start shopping ther more often.  I bought our first case of "green" diapers this week and though I cringed a little when I calculated that I was spending $0.10 more per diaper, I feel good about it.  $0.10 per diaper won't break the bank in our house and supporting environmentally sound manufacturing is important.  If I, as someone who is passionate about the environment and has some disposable income won't support responsible industry- who will?

giving up

Ever since Jonathan has been able to roll over, he has done so in his sleep. This has caused me all sorts of stress (my latest worry) and up until very recently I was under the impression that he would roll over, get stuck, and this would upset him so he would start to cry.  I discovered this weekend, however, that he rolls over almost as soon as I lay him down.  I put him down for a nap yesterday and carefully followed the advice of the American Association of Pediatrics by laying him on his back to prevent SIDS.  By the time I had walked out of the door, he had flipped over (in his sleep) onto his stomach and had scrunched his knees up underneath him... 

I tried to roll him back, but (still in his sleep) he fought it and kept rolling back over to the same position.  I am officially giving up.  Sorry, AAP- this baby is a tummy sleeper!!

cleaning ladies

The cleaning ladies came for the first time yesterday: AMAZING!  I was at a networking session for work and came home to find Jim playing with the baby and 4 wonderful people finishing a thourough cleanning of the house.  AWESOME!!!  I love this arragement!  The house smells clean and looks neat. The sinks are spotless and the microwave looks new inside.  The dog hair is gone (except the hair the dog is rapidly generating to replace that which was cleaned).  The rust stains are even gone from the bathtub!!  FANTASTIC! I am constantly looking around and finding new things that are clean that I had relegated to the "forever tarnished" category.  I guess I didn't realize what a load of guilt and shame I was carrying around about not having a clean house, but I feel like a whole new woman!  I cannot recommend this arrangement highly enough.

root canal

I am constantly amazed at modern medical science.  For example, it is amazing to me that today I went to an endodontist who was able, within seconds of my sitting down, to take and examine digital x-rays of my tooth and nerve.  And, within an hour, she had drilled my tooth open, removed the nerves from all 4 roots, replaced the nerves with rubber, and then cover the whole thing back up again.  As she was removing the nerve, she asked if I wanted to see it (and of course I did) and it was amazing!!  Like a tiny little bright red hair.  The best part of the whole deal was that it didn't hurt a bit.  She even used a topical anesthetic and so the shot of Novocaine didn't  hurt!! The worst part, however, was the bill...  our bank account might take longer to heal than my mouth!

Halloween!

Every year I dread Halloween.  I don't like scary things.  I don't like the dark.  I don't like stragers coming to my door.  But then every year, we do the whole sitting by the door and passing out candy thing and I realize that it is kinda nice.  It was beautiful weather last night, so after we watched the end of the Duke game (go blue devils!) we sat out on our step with our giant bowl of candy and the baby monitor and just enjoyed the evening.  We chatted with our neighbors and all in all had a good time.  Why do I dread this every year? 

precautions

At least 6 of my students are currently out sick with H1N1. Several others are out with unknown ailments (possibly H1N1). We were supposed to get vaccines at school last week, but there was a problem and for some reason we haven't gotten them yet. I really don't want to get sick and pass it on to the big J. Would it send the wrong message to start wearing a surgical mask to school?

sleepless in virginia

Jonathan was up every 2 hours last night... until 2am at which point he started waking up and crying every hour. At that point I turned off the baby monitor and let him cry. I felt a mixture of guilt and self-hatred as I selfishly prioritized my own sleep over comforting my crying child, but my exhausted self took over.

I woke up an hour and a half later, remembered that I had turned the monitor off, panicked, and turned it back on. It was totally silent. I continued panicking, convinced that Jonathan had been kidnapped and I had not woken up to save him because I had not heard the intruder's footsteps or Jonathan's cry on the monitor. I knew this was an irrational thought and so I spent the next 20 minutes laying awake convincing myself that it was irrational and that I should not go upstairs. I finally got myself back to sleep and 15 minutes later Jonathan was awake and crying. I woke up so relieved to hear his un-kidnapped self that I almost cried myself. At this rate I'm going to have a nervous breakdown by the end of the week!

faith

The sermon this morning had something to do with the fact that faith gives Christians an inner strength to deal with hard stuff in life. I really want the meaning and purpose and big-picture framework for understanding the world that faith gives. I would love to find that comfort and joy in hardship. I would love to know deep down inside that when the people I love die they go to heaven to fulfill their purpose in life and that all of the suffering that people endure worldwide has a bigger picture where justice and compassion win. But as I sat there listening to the sermon, I realized that, at least for the moment, I can't get to that faith.

Have you ever bitten down on something that hurt a tooth so much that you couldn't take another bite? My faith that God would be there for me personally as a strength and comfort in difficult times was shattered during my depression and I was shattered along with that faith. And, despite the fact that I am medication and therapy free now, that broken part of my heart where faith used to live hasn't healed. I cannot set myself up for another fall when a belief that had given me meaning and purpose and comfort is crushed again. My heart will not take another bite of faith.

Sometimes I think I sound whiny and weak when I listen to myself think about why I don't believe anymore. Depression is awful and debilitating and a true disease, but in my mind it doesn't stack up to true horrors like genocide and child abuse. And yet God not being there for me in my dark hours crushed me. I don't believe and I can't. I used to try to make myself believe- fake it till you make it- but if I am not honest with myself about myself I don't think I have any hope of ever having any genuine faith.

unself conscious

Today what I love about babies is how utterly self conscious they are. I have a picture of Jonathan on my desk that I just love. He is sitting there, bald as a cue-ball, droll dripping down his chin and he has this giant grin on his face like looking at you is the most wonderful thing he can imagine. He is just so excited to be with you that he doesn't care that he isn't wearing pants or that he has sweet potatoes on his shirt. Oh to be able to enjoy life with that kind of abandon!

wet raspberries

Jonathan is into blowing raspberries lately. And headbanging. When he gets really excited he starts doing both wildly. I'll was holding him while I was cooking dinner tonight and the dog walked in the room. Jonathan gasped/squealed in delight when he saw the dog and then started blowing raspberries and banging his head into my shoulder repeatedly. It caught me off guard and I started laughing- which made Jonathan bang his head faster and more violently- which made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants. What weird creatures babies are!!

content

Getting up in the middle of the night to nurse has its downsides (duh). But when Jonathan is finished eating, he has the most totally contented and peaceful look on his face as I hold him in my arms and lay him back down. I love it. I wish I could feel that good on a regular basis, but looking at his sweet face helps!!

1.5 miles

Yay!! Today I went for my first run in months! Only 1.5 miles, but it was better than nothing. Running has been in my plan for so many days lately, but it is always the first thing to go- and hence always goes!! But today it was cloudy again and icky out again and I was starting to become depressed and angry so Jim made me go. And it was like magic (like it always is) at making me feel better. Jim always remembers this and I always forget so it is a good thing I keep him around!!

self sufficiency

I firmly believe that I should be able to do anything and everything. And that if I can do something, I should. Asking for help is not something I do. This especially applies to things I might consider paying someone else to do and leads me to feel guilty whenever I pay someone to change the oil in my car, put new gutters on my house, do any sort of yard work, paint my fingernails, cook food for me, etc. I'm working on the idea that while I might be physically able to something does not mean that I should. This is a new idea for me and one I'm only starting to believe. The fact that my time is so increasingly limited is forcing me to make some of choices. For example, I could vaccuum or I could spend time playing with Jonathan- not a difficult choice. But lately it has come to my attention that no one around here is doing any house cleaning. And so, after working through some significant feelings of shame and inadequacy, we have decided to pay someone to come and clean our house twice a month. Some days this decision leaves me with this amazingly light and ecstatic feeling freedom and joy. On other days (today) my pride sneaks out and causes me to take on projects like pulling the oven out from the wall and undertaking a massive effort to scrub it and the floor behind it clean- just to prove that I am not a slob.

tired

Today I'm not so sure about the working-mom thing... I feel so tired I might die. Tired like my bones hurt. And I don't see really when that is going to change. I found myself looking out at my students today and just not caring. Not a good sign. Would I feel better if I wasn't working? I don't know. I would certainly feel better if my alarm was not going off at 5:30. I guess for now the plan is to continue to bring on the coffee...

strollers....

My stroller saga continues. It seems to me that there should be, somewhere out there, a perfect stroller that does everything. It doesn't seem like it should be all that difficult. Alas. I found myself buying our 3rd stroller today . We now own:

1) the lightweight snap'n'go stroller that our infant car seat clips into which has been great for the past few months but is rapidly loosing its usefulness and Jonathan becomes less and less happy laying down- unless he is sleeping during my errands.

2) an umbrella type stroller to replace the snap'n'go on those occasions where Jonathan is awake and wanting to be sitting looking out instead of on his back looking and boring old Mom.

3) and as of a few hours ago a jogging stroller to tackle the abysmal sidewalk situation in our neighborhood and (hopefully) to help me get back into some sort of running routine without feeling like I am sacrificing my precious afternoon time with my baby!

All I can say is thank goodness for craigslist! I think I've managed to pay less than $100 for all three! The next question becomes- where do I store all of these things?!?

guest room quilt

I finally finished the quilt I started planning last spring! Next for this room is some new curtains and possibly a fun colored paint!

graduation

On Tuesday, after 3 years and thousands of dollars, I graduated from therapy!! I went in for my appointment and we talked about how well I was doing and why and then my therapist said "So I don't know that you need to keep coming back. What do you think?" It was fantastic feeling to hear her say those words!! After spending the past 5 years struggling through major clinical depression, I am off of medication (for over a year!!) and now am out of therapy and cannot remember feeling so good about life! I have worked really hard at learning to speak up for myself and to say what I need without feeling guilty for having needs. I have built relationships and my career and have made a place for myself in this city where I didn't ever really want to end up. I'm learning to live in the NOW and enjoy the pain and joy of each moment instead of letting my mind sabotage me with regret and worry. I am still obviously growing and working on all of those things, and probably will for the rest of my life. But right I feel really good in my own skin!!

guilt

Today I felt guilty about being a working mommy. Most days it doesn't hit me like this, but today as I was picking Jonathan up after work, I just had this guilt rolling around in the pit of my stomach. Guilt that I am being selfish by wanting to be back at work. Guilt that I enjoy my job. I know in my head that continuing to teach is and will be a really good thing for everyone and that taking care of my family means taking care of myself. But today my stomach forgot that bit of knowledge and left me feeling crummy.

On the lighter side, here are some pics I took of Jonathan this weekend playing with his new toys!

fall gardening

This weekend I finally got out (a little) in the garden.

My sweet peppers had a hard time this year. Between something critter eating their leaves, planting too early and who know what else, we just didn't get the yield I had last year from my jalapenos. Maybe sweet peppers are harder than hot ones? I don't know. But I started these from seed and despite the fact that they are supposed to be orange peppers, I am still proud of the result:

And my dwarf pomegranate tree produced 5 mini-pomegranates!! I ate one standing right there on the deck, the others made it into the kitchen. I probably should have let them ripen a little more (since they are rather tart and more pinkish than deep red), but I was getting nervous about the cooling nights.

My beets are sprouting! I mulched around them yesterday and will probably need to thin them soon (I hate cutting some of them down though)

The lettuce seeds I planted 3 weeks ago are coming up and looking nice. I planted the second half yesterday so hopefully we'll have home grown lettuce for a while!


Sadly, the spinach sprouts I thought were coming up well turn out to be only weeds :( I think I have problem with spinach. Last year mine bolted before we got any good leaves!!

breast is best!... sometimes

I have loved breastfeeding Jonathan. At first I was skeptical (it just seemed so weird that someone was going to be milking me) and I was frustrated that no one (Jim) could really help me with the middle of the night feedings. But now, 5 months into it, I wouldn't do it any other way. In addition to the health benefits for Jonathan (complete nutrition + antibodies) and me (breast cancer), it is terribly convenient (no mixing and warming formula, no bottles to wash...) and cheap, always available and has been a great bonding experience for me and Jonathan. Plus it has helped boost my confidence that I am fit to be a mother to see my body naturally be able to produce food for the little guy. Overall fantastic- I can't recommend it highly enough.

BUT I was talking to a friend of mine a few days ago who has a 4 month old and who is doing the formula thing. Apparently her baby is going for 8-10 hrs at night without waking to eat and has been doing so for a month or so (for comparison, I still think a night of 2 4 hr stretches is akin to Christmas coming early). So the reaction to her statement in my head was "Are you *&%^$ing me?!?!" Hopefully what came out of my mouth was more appropriate. But because I am so flipping sleep deprived, I really have no recollection of what I actually said.

still sick

Jonathan still has this head cold (that Jim and I have had the wonderful opportunity to share) and over the past two days it has morphed from just sniffles and a runny nose to him having what sounds like a raspy sore throat. Poor little guy. He sometimes cries with this snarly high pitched voice that is so pathetic and then it hurts to have cried and so he cries more with this sorrowful look on his face. It breaks my heart.

apple picking

While visiting some wonderful friends in Charlottesville last weekend, we went to an apple orchard. Jim and I picked a few apples and I was munching away on mine while holding Jonathan when he starting lunging for and pulling the apple into his mouth. He loved chewing on my partially eaten fruit- hilarious!


Plus it was wonderful to be around such good friends!! Thanks guys!

unexplained crying

Today I found myself inexplicably sitting on the floor in the living room crying. The sitting on the floor was explicable- I was playing with Jonathan on his play mat. The crying was the weird part. Jonathan was happily giggling and cooing and being wonderful and adorable- sucking on his feet and rolling around. I was alternately making faces and singing to him and looking up a question in one of our baby books. Only instead of grabbing the baby book off of the shelf, I had grabbed one of the pregnancy books. As I was paging through and got to the section on "What to bring to the hospital", I burst into tears. A lot of tears and a sob or two. Why? I don't know. I just found myself sitting there crying. And then I was done and everything seemed back to normal. Maybe it is the lack of sleep. Maybe it is that I am done with the pregnancy thing (for now at least) and feeling nostalgic. Maybe it is hormones. Who knows.

food = energy

In my exhausted delirium, I think my body is confusing hunger and tiredness. I find myself consistently thinking things like "Gee I'm tired, I wonder what I have handy to snack on?" As if finding just the right food would take the place of a good night's sleep. I guess when options like taking a nap, sleeping in, or getting a restful night aren't on the table, you resort to other forms of energy. But this is certainly not helping me loose those remaining pregnancy pounds!

first "real" food!

So tonight Jonathan had his first go round with "solid" food!! We mixed up some watery rice cereal and got out the baby spoon. He was eager to put the spoon in his mouth (as with any object lately) but didn't know what to do once it was there. (apparently a pre-goo covered object threw him for a loop). Some of the cereal went into the mouth but a whole lot more on the bib. We got 5 bites or so before Jonathan grabbed the bowl and threw it onto the floor- much to the delight of the dog (the good times are just beginning buddy!). I can see already that meal times are going to be messy affairs for a while...

(warning: this video is not funny or interesting- just cute baby goodness)

dizzy

I have never before felt dizzy from exhaustion. I've felt dizzy after standing up too fast or when I haven't eaten enough. But today, all day, I felt off balance and dizzy. If I turned around (at any speed) I had that sensation where you can't quite say which way is up or down and you aren't sure whether or not you might be off balance. And I can only attribute this to the vast accumulation of missed sleep I have accrued since Jonathan was born. After my alarm goes off at 5:30, not even coffee does it for me any more...

my latest worry

Yesterday evening Jonathan and I spent quite a while playing on the floor. It was fantastically fun because he has started laughing a lot-almost whenever you talk to or sing to him. And yesterday he was focused on rolling over. He has done it before here and there, but last night he was practicing. 5 or 6 times in a row he would roll from his back to his tummy, gurgle happily for a while and then start to fuss. I would roll him back to his back and he would rock back and forth, thinking and then roll right back over to his tummy. (Such a smart little boy!) I'm very proud of him. The problem, however, is that now when he is in bed and starts to make any little moving around sorts of noises or grunts or cries or whimpers or really makes any of his totally normal nighttime noises, I lay there in bed wondering if he has rolled over to his tummy in his sleep and is stuck. Not a problem, except that it has been drilled into my head (like it is now drilled into the heads of all new mommies and mommies to be) that babies who sleep on their tummies will die instantly of SIDS. Needless to say I am doing a lot of running up and down the stairs in the middle of the night...

social pressure so soon?

Last night Jim, Jonathan and I were at a rehearsal dinner that started at 7pm- Jonathan's bedtime. I was nervous about how he would do with so many new people, loud noises, bright lights, etc so late. But he was wonderful. Smiling, flirting, and generally showing off. Around 9pm we packed up to leave and within moments of being in the car Jonathan was screaming. Not crying or fussing, but screaming in rage and frustration and exhaustion. And this continued almost the entire way back to our hotel. But when we got out of the car and ran into people we knew in the parking lot, he turned on the charm again- cooing, giggling, and being the cutest baby of all time. So either he has decided that he dislikes us and wants to scream at us (but likes everyone else just fine) or somehow he already feels a social obligation to hide his feelings and be on his best behavior for other people. I'm not sure which idea I like less...

caterpillars

I found a bunch of these little guys on my parsley today. And while I love the idea of diverse and healthy ecosystems, I don't actually like bugs. Plus they were eating and killing my parsley plant. So I picked them off of the plant, and put a few of them in a make-shift terrarium (a large vase covered with wax-paper) with some leaves and sticks on our kitchen counter. I'm hoping for butterflies!

I will not think about work

I have made pretty good on my resolution to leave the school building by 3:00 during this first week of school. And I have been great at not bringing any work home with me. But the problem is that I don't know what to do if I am not obsessing about my job. I feel guilty and listless. Out of place. For example, what should I do this evening now that Jonathan has gone to bed? I have no papers to grade, no lessons to write, no labs to try... Perhaps I should meditate using the mantra "I will not think about work".

first days at 'preschool'

Jonathan checking himself out in the mirror at preschool:

Jonathan had his first days at preschool this week. When I picked him up the first day the ladies there went on and on about how social and smart and cheerful and cute and generally wonderful Jonathan was. They didn't say it (probably because some of the other mommies were there), but you got the impression they knew that Jonathan was the best baby there. (which he obviously is). But they forgot to give me my check-out sheet and couldn't find Jonathan's dirty bottles.

The second day I picked him up, a different two ladies were there. They were very nice and gave me all of the important information about when and how much he ate/pooped/cried/slept/etc. His bottles were organized and my check-out sheet was completely filled out and neat. But they didn't tell me that he was hands down the best baby they had ever met.

As I left with my little bundle of soft warm wonderfulness on that second day, I found myself thinking that I liked the first set of ladies a whole lot more than the second set and that the second set just didn't seem quite as sharp or on top of things! When I caught myself, I was amazed at how easily I had been bought! And I have a whole new perspective on conducting parent-teacher conferences as a teacher!

conflicting passions

Lately I find myself quite often experiencing two conflicting and incredibly passionate feelings: the desire for time to stop the current moment to last forever and the desire for to move on to something better. For example tonight I was holding Jonathan as I was putting him to bed. It was peaceful and still and wonderful and the beauty of the moment brought tears to my eyes. But, simultaneously, my back was killing me, I desperately needed a shower, and I was about as exhausted as I have ever been and I wanted nothing so strongly as for Jonathan to be in bed so I could take some ibuprofen, a shower and go to bed. I guess the trick, as always, is to live in the now. To relish each moment for its good because you know that it will never come again.

rolly polly baby

just guessing

Sometimes I think Jonathan and I are co-conspirators in this whole thing. For example, today he was sitting on my lap fussing and we were both trying to figure out why. For lack of any other ideas, I gave him a pacifier and he sucked on it in this questioning way- like he was trying to ascertain whether or not it was fixing the situation. It took him a few minutes to realize that it was not what he was looking for and we moved on to trying something else. Lately life is mostly trial and error. Neither of us really knows much about this whole baby thing- we're both newbies and making it up as we go. Which is really good. It'd be a shame for him to have already figured out that I'm just guessing most of the time!

today I didn't...

...get up at 5am
...drive to the beach
...pin a race number to my chest
...line up in my starting coral along with hundreds of other runners
...run a mile
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...run another one
...cross a finish line
...get a medal
...stand on the beach with a plastic cup full of beer and revel in a feeling of accomplishment

Unlike the past four years, I didn't run in the Rock'n'Roll Half Marathon. And I miss it. Four years ago a friend convinced me to run it with her (at the time I couldn't run more than 2 miles). The rush of working towards and completing such a major accomplishment spurred me to challenge myself to run it again, even though I would be doing it alone. Two years ago I ran it as a training race for the Twin Cities Marathon (which I ran in October). And last year I slogged through the race when I was pregnant but didn't know it yet (though my sickness during the race should have been a sign that something was going on).

last of the tomatoes

This afternoon while Jonathan was napping, I finally got out to the garden. I mixed our compost into one of our garden beds so it is ready for the beets I am planning to plant, picked the last of the tomatoes, and then pulled up the tomato plants. They had a good run this summer and probably could have given me a few more tomatoes over the next month, but they were getting leggy and falling over and I was tired of them. It feels good to have the bed empty!!

Now I am left with the question of what to do with green tomatoes. I have never picked them green before and I don't know if they will ripen if I give them a week or so, or if I should go ahead and do something with them now...

week 1

Well I made it through the first week back to work with surprisingly few tears- really almost none. It helps that I love my job and the people I work with (and that there were no students yet). And it helped that Jonathan was just at home with Jim this week. I think I was thinking of it more like stepping out to run some errands than being gone all day at work. I stayed true to my goal of leaving work (or packing up) by 3:00- even today when it meant leaving without lesson plans for one of my classes on Tuesday. And despite the fact that I could (and know some teachers who are), I am not going in tomorrow or on Sunday to finish up. I will not let my job take over my life this year. (someone else has already done that!)

I think it will be harder next week. I will have the normal stress of all new students- learning names, new schedules, discipline, no free time, etc. Plus Jonathan will be at day-care and not just at home.

But so far so good.

day 2

Second day back to work today.
Yesterday was fine. It felt great to get out of the house and do something besides be a mommy. Pumping went fine. I got home from work and Jonathan was happy and smiley and we had a good evening. All in all a good day.

Today work was fine (getting up at 5:30 was a bit harder though). But about an hour after getting home I looked at the clock and couldn't believe how close it was to bedtime! And putting Jonathan to bed just now I really didn't want to lay him down in the crib. I really wanted to keep holding him for hours and hours staring at his wonderful little face!

ant mommies

Jonathan was amazing and slept from 8pm until 9:30am today (getting up here and there to nurse, of course) And I slept the VAST majority of that time. So why oh why am I so tired?? I feel like I might just fall over and die at any moment. Maybe all of those less than ideal nights are catching up to me. Or maybe it is because it is cloudy out today...

Anyway, I was pulling up some of my summer annuals this afternoon so I can plant some lettuce and spinach soon. I moved one of my large pots that has been sitting in the same location all summer and there was an entire colony of ants living underneath. At first it totally grossed me out (what a hardened gardener I am that ants creep me out) but then I noticed that they were all wildly scrambling in that way only ants can do to move this huge pile of eggs out of danger now that the pot had been moved. Streams upon streams of ants each carrying one egg were darting away as fast as ant-ly possible. I started to be less grossed out and started to wonder if the ants had feelings toward their eggs and babies in the same way that we humans do. Did the ants in this colony feel about moving their eggs the way I would feel about getting Jonathan's stroller out of the middle of a busy road? So I moved the put back over the ant colony. Hopefully all of the mommy ants' panic will be relieved.

But now I can't shake the feeling that there are ants crawling on my legs- maybe I'll go take a shower!!

Talking Baby

magic

Last night some friends of ours went into labor and they sent us pictures of the new baby today! I am so excited for them it makes me cry!! They are in the midst of such a magical time.

Bringing a brand new person into the world is an amazing and wonderful process!! Those precious hours of labor and first days are such a blur of excitement, disbelief, joy and wonder. This thing that you've been anticipating, but not quite believing, for the past 9 months; this thing that has happened to all mothers throughout all of time; this thing of faith and lore is happening to you. It is terrifying and wonderful and for all of its pain it is magical. And suddenly it is over and there is a tiny new life laying in your arms that somehow came from inside of you. Like in all of life's truly momentous events, time stands still and goes twice as fast all at once.

If I could relive one experience in my life, I think I would pick Jonathan's birth.

philosophy of sleep

Unfortunately Jonathan takes after his mommy when it comes to sleep...

I hate sleeping- deep down I believe that (a) it wastes precious moments of my life and (b) I will miss something fabulous that will happen while I am asleep. Jonathan seems to have adopted this philosophy in utero. It would be nicer for everyone (Jonathan included) if he had his dad's philosophy of sleep: that enjoying a nap or going to bed is akin to sitting down to a great meal- something to be treasured and enjoyed as often as possible. Alas.

last day of summer

I can't believe how fast the summer has gone! Or that I have an (almost) 4 month old baby! (Seriously- where did he come from?!?) Crazy! Last year at this point I didn't even know I was pregnant.

Summer is like this great pause button in my life. I get a few months to relax and recuperate and to reflect on my life over the past year. I get to visit friend and family and work on hobbies- all that stuff that never quite fits into regularly scheduled life. And while I'm sad that it is almost over and I'll be starting the rat race of my "real" life over again, I think it will be good for me. Good for me to get up and go on a schedule. Good for me to have some purpose that lets me define me for me (instead of in relation to some boy). Good for me to get out of the house. Good for me to have a creative outlet. Good for me to reconnect with my friends at school. And good because it helps me remember to treasure these "lazy" days of summer!

our hovel

We have this amazing contractor friend, Philip, who has done some work on our house. He is truly wonderful- does great work, on time, is super friendly and reliable and just wonderful. For example Jim mentioned to him today that we were noticing a mildew smell coming out of our vents. And within 3 hours Philip was at our door to check it out. Amazing. Wonderful. But now as he is leaving, I feel like a total wreck.

First of all, I was still in my pajamas and in the middle of nursing Jonathan when he came to the door. So I'm already feeling self-conscious. But then we go around back to get to the crawlspace and of course to get through the halfway painted fence we go through the gate that is held shut with a bungee cord because I haven't fixed the latch that broke last winter. And of course after the crawlspace, he wants to check out the actual smell coming from the vents- one of which is under our front windows that leaked about 2 years ago messing up the plaster and paint in a big area between the windows and floor. The leak has been fixed, but since the area is behind the sofa the wall itself hasn't been fixed. It looks terrible. But of course he wants to pull the sofa out so he can smell that vent. After checking it all out, I show him out through the front door where the storm door came off of its hinges and blew into the front railing the week we moved in (4 years ago) knocking the railing off and into the garden. Neither have been fixed.

As he is leaving, he asks if we've decided yet on what kind of new gutters we want (he gave us some quotes a few months ago). Except that isn't what he says. What he says is "Have you guys decided about taking down that rooftop garden yet?" Referencing, of course, the multitude of plants that sprouted and are now well established residents of our current gutters. Honestly one of them is over 2 feet tall.

In general I don't think of our home as being in such disrepair. But when I start putting all of that stuff together... I'm sure Philip thinks that I am a total wreck. It is like having Martha Stewart come over for dinner and serving take-out chinease. That is certainly how I feel as I watch his pickup truck pull away from our dirty little hovel. None of these things would take much effort to fix- 15 minutes with the power drill and the latch to the gate would be good as new. 45 minutes, a bit of drywall mud, and a can of Kilz would take care of most of the problem with the water damaged plaster. 2 hours and the fence would be all the same color. But none of them are done. I am, after all, the queen of half-finished projects. The problem is that once I can see the end of a project, my brain starts planning the next one and that is so much more exciting than finishing the last details of the current one. FOCUS, woman, FOCUS!!

reminder

Jonathan reminded me today about all the reasons for not liking babies. He spent most of the afternoon incensed about being too tired. I spent most of the afternoon rocking, singing, cuddling, nursing him in vain attempts to put him to sleep. My baby the insomniac. Both of us were awake, both tired to the point of tears and no one able to sleep. I was could not think of one positive thing about babies.

Eventually he calmed down enough for his bath- which he enjoyed- and just now I nursed him and he got all sleepy and cuddly and warm. He looked up at me with that adoring smile and those precious eyes and my heart instantly melted. He tucked his legs up into a ball and nuzzled his head into my shoulder and I remembered how much I love him even when he makes me crazy.

tummy time

Almost too cute for words..."Tummy-time" is going much better lately!! Lots more smiles and much less screaming! Watching Jonathan on his stomach lately you can't help but get the idea that he feels like he has a great deal more control on his tummy- like he sees the potential for self mobility. Yesterday, actually Jonathan turned over from his front to his back several times in a row with great delight. Today, though, he doesn't seem to remember how.

crib bars

Jonathan seems to have an almost gravity like attraction to the bars of his crib. I don't really understand how someone who is so helpless in all other ways can move around quite as much as he does in his sleep. I certainly can't scoot myself around while flat on my back nearly as well as he can. Actually he sleeps more on his side lately (which is adorable). But anyway, he manages to get himself maneuvered from the middle of his nice big crib to the very edge (often rotating 90 degrees or more) so that his legs are hanging out of the crib bars or his face is smashed up against the bars in a manner that he finds greatly upsetting.

Here you can see him with one foot already inching its way out of the crib...


Is preventing this sort of dilemma and its ensuing drama the purpose of crib bumpers?? Possibly, but judging from his crib antics thus far I'm pretty sure Jonathan would be the kind of baby who gets himself wedged dangerously between the bumper and the bars. Alas, what is a mother to do but go and rescue her screaming son several times a night...

back to school shopping

Well I think I have just finished my back-to-school shopping. It is amazing how fast $200 goes on stuff like paperclips, sticky-notes, and file folders- all that stuff you need and just take for granted. I went shopping alone this year (aside from Jonathan who is not a great back-to-school motivator). And maybe because I went on a weekday morning, but it just felt lonely.

I used to go back-to-school shopping with my friend Rachel until she moved away. She is an amazing motivator. She really is just wonderful. One of those people with excitement toward life and its adventures and contagious optimism. She always has great new plans and hopes for the new year. I need her spirit this year because my optimism is tainted with a sense of impending dread. Dread that with 5 preps my plate will be too full for me to enjoy teaching. Dread that boundaries will be harder to draw and a choice for the very important will mean a choice against the important. Dread that I will end each day with a feeling that I did too much not well enough.

This year the smell of new pencils and expo markers will be mixed up with the absence of the smell of slightly sour milk and soft baby skin...

sleep??

What happened? A few weeks ago, Jonathan was sleeping beautifully- 7 hour stretches between feedings and for a total of like 11 hours. Now he has totally reverted and last night, for example, he was up every 3 hours to eat! He (thankfully) still stayed in bed for 10 hours or so, but it was a lot less restful for mommy! What am I going to do if this continues when I go back to work??

crib

I just put Jonathan to bed in his crib upstairs for the first time. I kind of want to cry. During the first week he was home and he was "sleeping" in our room I thought sharing a room was quite possibly the worst idea ever and assumed that he would be upstairs within a month- maximum. But over the past three and a half months I have come to love having him in our room and sometimes (don't tell his pediatrician) in our bed. It seems so safe and cozy and together. And I don't mind waking up so much anymore (now that I'm not doing it quite so many times per night). Right now the baby monitor is up to full volume and I'm sure I will be too paranoid to sleep tonight. I feel like I am throwing our baby to the wolves!

ignorance

I started off this whole "mommy" business without knowing the first thing about babies. I could tell a baby from a bowling-ball, but just barely. If you had asked me 4 months ago to describe a baby, I would have assumed that a baby mostly ate, slept and laid around passively growing. Now I still don't know much about babies in general, but that most certainly does not describe Jonathan. Okay- he does a lot of eating. But he fights sleep like the plague and when he is awake he is in constant motion. It is amazing. You can see his mind working all the time as he concentrates on how to move his arms the way he wants them to go or how to make his mouth mimic the noises you are making. He uses every moment of the day to explore his surroundings. Who knew babies were so interactive?!

feet

Jonathan has figured out that he has feet! Right now he is sitting on his playmat chewing on his fists and intently staring at his feet as he kicks and grabs at a dangling rattle with his toes. He looks so pleased with himself!

Imagine how great that would be. To suddenly realize that you had this whole new appendage with which to explore the world! Being a baby must be terribly exciting!

tired

I feel so tired I might die. Every day around 2 or 3pm I am hit with a bout of tiredness. But some days it is unbelievably intense. And it always hits right as Jonathan is waking up from a nap. When he is falling asleep I feel fine, normal, good- relieved to be able to finally do something besides entertain a baby. Grrr....

I have less than 3 weeks left of summer break. And the thought of leaving Jonathan when I go back to work makes me feel sick to my stomach today. I still think it is the right decision. But I hate it. The longest I have gone without being in the same room with him since he was born is 5 hours. How will I survive seeing him only a few hours a day after work and before bed?

grandparents

The best thing about visiting grandparents is how much they love Jonathan and how they are able to appreciate all of the great things about him without the worry that accompanies mommyhood. Watching them watch Jonathan make all of his smiles seem sweeter, his antics cuter, and his screaming wonderful. It makes me love being Jonathan's mommy even more! Thanks Gramma and Grampa!

dread

Last night in Minnesota.
I'm scared to go back to Norfolk. It has been so nice to be here with my parents! Seeing their excitement and love for Jonathan makes me appreciate all of the wonderful things about having a baby more and makes the hard stuff more bearable.

And I am dreading flying. And nervous about finding and picking up the car Jim left in the long term garage at the airport. I am dreading feeling alone in Norfolk. Jim doesn't get back until late Monday.

I just need to take it one day (or hour or minute) at a time. I can handle now if I am not senselessly worrying about things I can't control. But I am having that gut-wrenching hopeless feeling of dread that makes me want to curl up and cry.

Maybe some tea and meditation will help...

thrashing

Tonight as he was falling asleep, Jonathan did his thrashing routine again. It is hilarious!!

My mom layed him down in his bassinette and almost immediately he started thrashing his head back and forth violently. He would look left, right, left, right, then pause and smile, then back to left, right, left right... And then his legs get into the act and he would lift them both staight up into the air and then let them fall back to the bed. His eyes are closed this entire time as he is thrashing about like a wild man, pausing every so often with that amazing simle of his. And then, suddenly, he stopped, sighed contentedly and layed very still breathing deeply and sleeping like a baby!

now

Today I am panicking. I keep dwelling on the fact that Jonathan will grow up. On one hand I feel OK about that- I am excited to see who he becomes and I like to think that I will have some positive influence on that. And I think I feel OK about the notion that to a large extent a Mom's job is to let go little by little. He is already much more independent than he was 4 months ago and every phase from here on out is meant for him to grow into more and more independence. I know that. And on most days I am OK with it.

But there is a part of me that looks at children and thinks "I don't know the first thing about a 10 month old/ 2 year old/ 5 year old/ etc. This will never work out." And that part of me wants to quit now before my ineptitude is obvious to everyone. I need to keep reminding myself that 3 months ago I didn't know the first thing about 3 month olds. And things are going great. I just take it one day at a time- do the best that I can and enjoy NOW without dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

It almost always comes back to that with me- living in the now and choosing to be happy. I hope those are things I can teach Jonathan so he doesn't have to spend so much energy struggling with them the way his mommy does!!

rolling over

MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT: Jonathan just rolled over for the first time all by himself!! We were laying on the bed. I was writing a letter; Jonathan had rolled from his back to his side (which he has been doing for a while) and was laying there chewing on his hand. He had been there for a few minutes when all of a sudden he straightened one leg and gave a little push and just like that he was on his tummy!! It took him a moment to figure out what had happened and that now he was inadvertently having dreaded "tummy time". But then he began to loudly voice his displeasure.

I fear this is the beginning of the end!

bath

Holding a happy baby after a bath is possibly the best thing in the world. Jonathan is very pleasant in the bath and I think he likes it (at least he doesn't dislike it). But sometimes afterward he is so smiley and giggly. Today I dried him off and put his diaper on and then he just smiled and cooed while he lay on my chest and I rubbed baby lotion on his arms and legs. He is the cutest, most wonderful thing ever!

return policy

I wanted to take him back today. But I think the return policy at the hospital has expired. He was fussy all morning. "Fussy" is a nice sounding way of saying that a baby is screaming in your face and nothing makes it better. I think it was term coined by someone who doesn't remember what dealing with a "fussy" baby is like. Being screamed at a little is ok. But when you are doing everything you can think of to right whatever is wrong and the screaming continues it is just demoralizing. I felt so impotent which made me feel so angry. Angry at Jim for leaving me for a week. Angry at Jonathan for not giving me a break. Angry at the dog for being there and not helping. Angry at myself for being angry. I finally put Jonathan in his bed and left the room until he stopped crying.

green

Last night when I changed Jonathan's diaper, his poop was green. Not greenish. Green. Liked cooked spinach.

I'm trying not to freak out. I'm trying to wait to see if this continues today since Jonathan hasn't seemed sick otherwise.

The internet suggested that it could be a sign of a virus (immediately my mind jumps to the conclusion that Jonathan is sick and I have missed the crucial signs and he is going to die. Probably in the next few minutes) ot that excess saliva could have gotten swollowed and caused green stool. He has been drooling like a champ lately (I think he might be starting to teethe) so this seems like a more logical explaination. So I'm trying to stay logcial and not freak out. Emphasis on trying. But I mean really- green poop?!? How do you remain calm with bright green poop?!?

vitamins

I am, apparently, starving for some sense of accomplishment. I know this because I find myself taking immense satisfaction in giving Jonathan his vitamins and watching the level of liquid in the bottle go down 1mL a day. I congratulate us (Jonathan and myself): "Great work!" "We're making progress now!" I guess one of the things mommyhood will eventually teach me is to let things go and concentrate on the more important, but less measurable, things like talking to the baby, dancing with the baby, changing diapers, etc. But old habits die hard and today I find myself tempted to cheat and give him vitamins twice a day!

later

Sometimes when Jonathan is nursing he will look up at me with this sneaky smile and then he throws his top arm over his face like he is hiding. I can imagine him saying "Geez Mom, can't a guy get a little privacy around here?"

naps

Jonathan slept beautifully almost all day today (a relief after yesterday where he didn't sleep at all). He was so peaceful and serene and beautiful. He looked just like a china-doll. I kept just watching him sleep instead of doing all of those things I never have time for- like showering or eating a real meal or taking a nap. But despite my dirty, hungry, tired self, all I wanted to do was look at him and kiss those adorable little toes!!