frazzle

Lately I feel like I am struggling to get through each day in tact.  I consciously remind myself multiple times a day that I can only deal with the things on my plate today- tomorrow's stuff will have to wait.  There are not enough hours in the day or energy in my bones to tackle it all.  I am just a bit frazzled at all times.  I have the energy to follow the plan, but beyond that there isn't much gas in the engine.  Surprises and last minute decisions are really not something I handle with grace.  So two unplanned disasters of this afternoon have left me a little raw and unglued.

But somehow I got dinner on the table and the kids are in bed and I managed not to scream at anyone or break down in tears like I really wanted to.  It was finally quiet in our living room and I sat down to go through the mail.  Today we happened to get a glut of cataloges. I normally chuck them without a second glance but today the shiny pages sucked me in.   As I paged through the glossy images of perfect tans and care-free smiles I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I wanted desperately to be sucked into the world within those pages.  A world where I feel put together and, if not glamorous, at least clean and pressed- with no spit-up in my hair, or bags under my eyes, and an outfit that fits and doesn't have a half-chewed goldfish ground into my knees.  I want to be swept into a shiny house with fresh-cut flowers on the coffee table and where dog hair does not waft across the floor and where you do not trip over legos and jungle animals and baby rattles.

I know it is all an illusion- but wouldn't it be nice?  Except that I think I would miss the sleeping snuffling of the baby next to me when I slept.  And the noisy thump-thump-thump of toddler feet running through the house.  So for as rough as I feel tonight, I am glad I am here.  This crazy phase of my life will pass, and I will miss it.

Zoë at 4 months

So we've survived another two months!! And Zoë is getting more and more beautiful!  Here is my girl and her big heart-melting smile

Among our accomplishments now are removing her own socks....

drooling... (I cannot believe the number of bibs we can go through in a single day)

and pulling any and everything into her mouth.

She has perfected the art of blowing thousands of tiny little spit bubbles and getting them to cover her face like a little goatee.  And she likes to pull something over her face when she sleeps (this combined with SIDS hype does wonders for my already irrational degree of mommy-fears)

As a mother to an infant I go through most of the hours of most of my days in a survival-mode blur.  I am completely on auto-pilot because I am doing 10 things at once and also am really asleep.  It was this way with Jonathan and is still this way with Zoë.  But a few times every day, I manage to actually focus on my babes and really see them instead of just managing dirty diapers, tantrums, spit-up and an onslaught of "why?" questions.  And it always takes my breath away with the beauty of these tiny people who are so fresh and new and who I love so much.  

I remember when I  really truly saw Jonathan at this age I would think "Oh my goodness!!  How amazing and precious he is!  And what a complete mystery!!"  Now when I really look at Zoë, I think "Oh, hello!! It is you! I know you and you are one of my all time favorites"  I'm not sure what makes the difference.  Perhaps having done this baby thing before?  Perhaps the fact that they look so much alike?  (honestly, except for the pink vs green I don't think I could tell these two faces apart)

 

I don't know, but it makes me so excited to continue to get to know this amazing little girl!!

content

As I put Zoë to bed tonight I couldn't help but linger by her crib and watch her for a little longer than normal.  The way she nuzzled her little face into her fleecy blanket.  Her sleepy eyes and soft partial smile.  Her gentle cooing noises and soft kicking- like she was just enjoying the feeling of having legs to stretch.

Not every night is this peaceful- most of the time she likes to fall asleep yelling (not crying - yelling.  and yes she seems to actually like it.)  But tonight she completely embodied contentment.  In addition to making my heart swell up into my throat with the wonder at this beautiful little creature, watching her made me jealous.

I wonder what it would be like to go to sleep with that sort of stillness and peace instead of the mental litany of crud I have as I toss and turn in my bed.  What would it take to have that sort of peace in my life?  How do I get myself to a place where a fleecy blanket and the feeling of my own toes leaves me with that amount of contentment?  

I am not sure the place to start- but bedtime seems like a good goal.  So this week, my goal will be to clear my mind of all of the pointless worry, the shopping lists, the litany of self-criticism, the complaints- all of the clutter, to take a few deep breaths, and to focus on something that I really enjoyed from the day for a few minutes before bedtime.

he makes me laugh

at the breakfast table...
Jonathan: What is Zoë saying?
Mommy: She is looking at you and saying "Wow, I have a cool brother"
Jonathan: No, I'm not cool.
Mommy: You aren't?
Jonathan: No, I'm not wearing my sunglasses.

after church...
Mommy: I'm going to make lunch.  What do you want?
Jonathan: Hmm.  I had a donut at church, so I don't really need lunch right this second.

5 things

Being back to work this week after Christmas break has been tough.  Crazy busy, crazy stress, crazy tired.  And to add to the fun, Zoë has been sleeping really poorly this week.  Perhaps because we are slowly transitioning her to a new bed, perhaps because she is going through a growth spurt (she drank 9oz of milk yesterday at lunchtime).  Who knows.  But the result is that I have been feeling a bit desperate.

I collapsed last night feeling alone, exhausted, depressed, and like my life was totally out of control.  Unfortunately my computer was on and within arms reach and I was seduced by etsy (where spending money makes you feel like you are contributing to society) and amazon-one-click (way too easy).  Which added guilt to my list of maladies.

I woke up this morning feeling lousy.  Crabby, tired, and crabby.  Plus crabby.  As I sat glowering over my oatmeal I decided I needed to do something to rescue this day.  So I resolved that rather than returning to the internet buying debacle of last night, I would try to spend the day focusing on finding things that made me smile and savoring them.  So, here are my top 5:

1) Watching Jonathan put play-dough in his garlic press.  Yes, his garlic press.  The combination (play-dough + press) were in his Christmas stocking because he had been stealing mine so often from the kitchen.  He loves putting wads of play-dough through it and watching the 'hair' grow.  And I love watching his rapt concentration as he does this over and over and over.  Plus the play-dough hair is pretty cool feeling.

2) Baby girl mary-jane socks + legging.  LOVE.

3) Lunch. (You know food was going to make it in here somewhere).  But my sandwich today was perfect.  Toast with kale pesto, (leftover) roasted mushrooms, egg, and mustard.  And I managed to get the egg perfect- where the yolk is still just a tiny bit runny.  

4)  Zoë's quilt.  A dear friend made this for her and I love it.  We use it every day for tummy time and just playing and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

5) Watching Jonathan and Daddy raking.  So many reasons here.  It was warm enough for me to sit out in flip-flops and watch my fantastic husband play with an adorable little boy while doing yard work while I was sitting on the deck playing with a baby.

The remarkable part is that even before I had actually found something to smile about, I was feeling better.  It turns out that turning my focus from "how am I going to make it through the day?" to "what am I really happy with in my life?" makes life a lot more fun.

As I type this I have rocked a screaming Zoë back to sleep twice (and she's only been in bed for 2 hours)- so the night isn't off to a good start.  But the day really was a good one.  And so maybe tonight I'll be able to remember how rocking a healthy adorable baby to sleep isn't so bad.  Even in the middle of the night.