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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

trade off

I think Jonathan's nursing days have come to an end. Ever since he has been sleeping better his eating schedule has shifted, my milk supply has plummeted and he hasn't had the patience to actually nurse in the afternoons. I don't really blame him- bottles are a way more efficient way to get milk and who wants to take more time away from chasing the ball than absolutely necessary? He loves the bottle (some variation of "bottle" is already in his vocabulary where as nothing close to "Mommy" ever comes out of his mouth)

For a few weeks after he started sleeping through the night, pumping went OK and he was still getting mostly milk instead of formula even at preschool, but with him refusing to nurse in the afternoons and me not wanting to drag the pump back and forth to work to pump in the evenings, my milk supply is getting less and less.

It makes me really sad to see this come to an end. I loved the connection I felt like it gave me with him to know that he had my milk even when I was at work. And though I LOVE sleeping at night again, I miss seeing him every few hours. But we've given this a good go and almost 11 months isn't so bad. Sleeping well is a huge accomplishment and life is always a trade-off. I guess I'm just not sure how to end this on my terms so I don't feel like I've failed since I don't think we'll make it to a year.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

afraid

For the first time today, I watched Jonathan deal with fear. I'm not really sure what cognitive development leads a baby to suddenly see familiar things in a new, scary, light. But I can't think of anything that precipitated it.

We were playing on the dining room floor with his truck and he kept going over to the baby gate and saying "ball". It took me a while, but I finally figured out he was talking about my big purple exercise ball was in the middle of the floor of the sunroom. I climbed over the gate and brought the ball into the living room because I thought it might be fun for him to play with such a big ball. He approached it at first, but then came diving back towards me, crying and burying his head. He wouldn't touch it, go near, or let go of me and and didn't stop crying until I put it back away. As soon as it was gone he was back to his normal spunky self. And not 10 minutes later he decided he should try to scale the stairs. So much for well grounded fears...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I hate March

And I hate that I hate it.

There are no days off, but the weather makes you want to be outside. The end of the year starts to be in sight, but all of the deadlines start closing in on you and demanding ridiculous things. Seniors start to see college as an imminent reality, and start to act crazy and be really unfun to teach. And it just wears on me and I am too exhausted to enjoy life. I feel like a zombie most of the time even though I am sleeping better than I have all year.

I have spent a lot of time, energy, and money on therapy and one of the things I took away was the importance of living in the now- of appreciating the present moment for whatever it holds. This year I have been so good at not spending my time and happiness waiting for the next holiday, or half day, or special event- until now. Now I am counting down to spring break like it is my only lifeline. Grrr.... I hate March.

Monday, March 22, 2010

back into the swing

I ran my first race since Jonathan was born this past weekend. No marathon or half-marathon this time- an 8k. It was great. I was unexcited about it since training had been pretty non-existant. At the end of the school day when the question came down to do I go for a run or go pick up the baby, somehow going for a run never won out. I got out 1-2 times a week- sometimes with Jonathan in the jogging stroller, but nothing approaching a training plan. So I was not super pumped about the race, but it was a great time! It was a beautiful morning and running felt good the whole way. I even had energy to sprint the last quarter mile or so. It was inspiring and now I am seriously considering getting back into the swing of things and training for a half marathon over the summer...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

inside looking out

The weather is turning beautiful and I find myself wanting to spend every moment outside; Jonathan is turning 11 months and finding himself wanting to spend every moment crawling around chasing things and putting them in his mouth. I took him outside this morning to see how playing in our backyard would go. I swept off our wooden deck so that it was cleaner than it has ever been, spread out a quilt, and brought some non-rolling toys. Jonathan immediately crawled off of the quilt onto the splintery wood and found a myriad of pebbles, leaves and dead rolly-pollys to eat. Wonderful. We spend about 10 minutes battling out between the eating dirt and me grabbing things out of his hands/mouth before I called it quits and brought us inside.

I am again stymied by my lack of knowledge about small children. Will the eating everything stage fade soon? Is it worth investing in one of those large baby gate pen things and some sort of ground covering so we can be outside this summer? Or when crawling turns to walking, will he be less inclined to put everything in his mouth? I love taking him on walks/runs but there is only so much of that that either of us can handle at one time. We can go to the park or the beach but I'm not sure he can play on the ground yet. And it drives me crazy to sit inside looking out a the sunshine. I'm sure we will figure it out. I just wish I had a sense of what stages were coming next and how soon so I knew how to prepare.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

first word!!

Jim, the preschool teachers and I all agree that Jonathan is now saying his first word!!! Sure, he has been babbling like a crazy man for a while and he waves and says "ba-bye" on command. But now he is distinctly putting a meaning with a sound that is recognizable to us. And, sad to say, neither "Mommy" nor "Daddy" made the cut. Not even the "doggie", with whom Jonathan has been enamored for months. What was his first word? "Ball" I guess I'm not really surprised given the number of hours he has chased various balls around our living room...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

morning magic

We went on a long walk this morning and it was wonderful (just around the neighborhood with the baby and the dog- nothing exotic). There is something about being outside in the crisp, sunny morning air with the dew on the grass and the sound of birds chirping that makes me feel more relaxed and hopeful than just about anything else. The way the shadows are still long and the air smells like wet earth makes me feel like it is a clean beginning of something wonderful.

Today on our walk the beautiful morning kept bringing back memories of other wonderful mornings: waking up on camping trips and seeing my breath in the air while warm in my sleeping bag, the peaceful quiet and buttery glassiness of the water on WaterSki-Wednesdays, walking to my early morning physics classes through Duke forest, morning swim practices outside, waking up while camping out for basketball tickets in K-ville, the stillness of the water at sunrise in the boundary waters, training runs with friends while the Durham summer air was still "cool".

When I was first diagnosed with depression my therapist recognized the magic of sunshine and prescribed two things: Prozac and outdoor exercise. That second prescription took me on long walks through Duke forest daily that would be the only time the crazy, depressed side of my brain would quiet down to hear the birds. I would spend hours walking with the dog. And while the prescription was not magic bullet (therapy and antidepressants have remained a necessity for another 5 years) it instilled in me the importance of getting myself outside in the sunshine- preferably in the morning, preferably in the spring! It is the best means for me to meditate and clear my mind.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

rough day

Today has started out rough. I woke up to messy, dirty house and looked outside to a gloomy, drizzly morning hanging over an untidy weed-infested yard. The to-do list around here is overwhelming: piles of paperwork, a myriad of little projects, and still nothing for dinner. I have no idea when I will have the time and free hands to get this stuff done. I know that spending time playing on the floor is more meaningful than mowing the yard, but at the end of the day when the piles and to-do lists have only gotten bigger, it is hard for me to see that. Which is why, I suppose, pictures are so helpful.






Tuesday, March 9, 2010

spring

It certainly seems to be spring around here. The sun is up when I leave for work (for this week anyway), weather in the 60s, sunshine, our daffodils are in bloom, and my students have spring fever. It is beautiful and, mostly, I love it. It makes me hopeful. But it also makes me sad. In my mind Gramma Rosalie embodied springtime, and this is my first without her. Maybe it was the tulip festival in Pella she and Grampa Earl took us to when we were little, or Dayton's flower show every spring, or picnics at the arboretum. Maybe it was the way she decorated and gardened that made the newness of spring last all year. But springtime filled her personality too. She was cheerful and bright and full of warmth, her smile could melt anything and she brought sunshine and laughter to all situations, however grave. So picking the first daffodils of the year made me smile, but it also made me cry. I'm thinking of you often and I miss you Gramma!!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

unfun in the kitchen

It has recently come to my attention that I can no longer put off reorganizing my kitchen. I have taken a pretty laissez faire attitude toward baby-proofing thus far- once Jonathan started showing keen interest in electrical outlets and cords, we moved lamps and put in the outlet covers. A few weeks ago he started opening drawers and so the tupperware moved to the bottom.

But now he has started opening cabinets- mostly just to hear the bang when he slams them closed again. But it won't be long until he discovers that he can climb in and clear their contents onto the floor like a little human swath of destruction. He does this with the bottom layer of our coffee table- crawls up onto the shelf, spreads his arms and then scoots himself from one end to the other pushing everything onto the floor in 2 seconds flat. So I need to move some key items (the blender and food processor come to mind) from the bottom shelf to higher ground. The trouble is that all of the upper shelves are filled with things like wine glasses, glass bowls, and cast iron pans. I think this project will involve a lot of hard decisions about getting rid of things we never use (perhaps the 2 teapots or the waffle iron that have been used once each since we were married or maybe one of my 3 coffee pots) and massive amount of reorganization. Grrr, I am NOT looking forward to this project.

Friday, March 5, 2010

bottle these moments

One of my favorite things lately is the half an hour before bedtime. I give Jonathan a bottle and hold him while he eats, I give him his bath, and then we go upstairs for PJs a bedtime story, a lullaby and sleep. When he is tired and knows bed is coming he is so cuddly and peaceful while he eats (not so much during the day) and I just love it. I sit there and relish this time. He is getting so big so fast; I wish I could find a way to bottle moments like this because I know I won't be able to remember the exact way he curls his chubby little toes up when he is happy, or the softness of his skin, or the precise sound of his laughter in the bathtub. How do you hold on to perfect memories like these?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

stacking

Jonathan has set of plush stacking rings that have recently become his favorite. We were playing with them a few days ago and for fun, I put one on top of my head. Jonathan thought it was hilarious- he laughed and climbed up to stand on my lap and pull it off, giggling the entire time. Today I was sitting on the floor sorta zoning out while he was chasing his toy truck around until he started trying to put coasters on my head. One by one he would crawl to the coffee table, pull up, take a coaster off, crawl back to me, and attempt to put it on top of my head. As soon as it would slide off, he would laugh and crawl back to get another coaster. He went through all 6 of them. Baby laughter is the best thing in the world; I love being a mom.
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