still conflicted

So I started back to work a week and a half ago.   I was, of course, dreading it and plotting all kinds of ways to be able to quit and stay home and still pay our mortgage.  But then I got back to work and was immediately reminded in many ways of how much I like my job.  I think what I do is important.  I think it is fun and rewarding. I enjoy my students and my colleagues.

Zoë took to her teachers and class easily and was adjusted to taking a bottle by day 2. Here is her grinning on her 1st day.

Her teachers are fantastic and it is possible she gets more kisses at school than at home as she always seems to have lipstick on her forehead when I pick her up.

The time between picking them up and dinner and bedtime is crazy.  I run around with my hair afire, helping Jonathan on the potty, cooking dinner, rocking Zoë, feeding the dog, etc.   I feel like I don't get a chance to look anyone in the eye until they are in bed.  And that makes me sad.  As much work as it is to be at home all day, there are peaceful moments and chances to sit and snuggle or set up train sets or draw pictures.

Plus I have major baby brain.  For example, Tuesday on the drive to work I panicked that I didn't have my keys and almost turned the car around to go home to look for them.  I mix up my classes, lessons, and cannot focus on anything for more than 5 or 10seconds.  I am so grateful that I had a few weeks of lessons planned beyond my maternity leave; but I am a little nervous about when they run out and I am forced to do long range planning with my courses.  I set up a coffee pot in my classroom, but I'm not confident coffee will be enough.

So I guess at least for now, I'm still working and still conflicted about it.  I'm trying to savor every minute of Christmas break.

back to school

So I am back to school this week. The kids aren't here yet, but teachers are back doing lesson plans, setting up desks, and attending endless meetings. This end of summer transition is always really really hard for me. This time of year is a stark reminder for me that I cannot do it all. I grew up firmly believing that I was capable of anything- that nothing I put my mind to was too hard or beyond my reach. That belief has inspired me to do things about which I am immensely proud- run a marathon, major in physics, etc. But what I have a hard time with is the idea that I cannot have or be all things all at once. That once I've made a choice, it closes other doors. That I cannot, for example, work a full time job and be a stay at home Mommy. And that is really really hard for me.

To my mind, the summer is this amazing time where I get to be Mommy full time, while still maintaining my identity as an independent, career woman. But then Fall hits and I am actually back to working and the illusion of having it all comes down around my ears. I start to question everything about my life choices and feel like I am failing on all fronts. Failing at spending those precious moments playing trains and chase and reading stories. Failing at going the extra mile for all of my students. I suddenly feel like the balance I strike makes me mediocre at everything.

For the past two years once we've gotten into the groove of the year, I see how great it is for Jonathan to be in school. And I see how great it is for me to have a career that is mine and that I really do love. And I see how OK the balance actually is. And I start to feel good about my choices again. But this year, I don't think that groove will be as easy to find. It is hard to see a vision for a school year when I don't know if I will be out on maternity leave starting tomorrow, next week, or three weeks from now. And once the baby comes... well life with a newborn is anything but "settled". So hopefully I will find some way to relax into the tension that is my current life. For now I'm taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to extend myself a little extra grace.

phew

As I sit down to type this, I realize that my last post was quite some time ago. I guess that is testament to just how crazy these first few weeks of back-to-school have been. But we have survived and I think (and hope) are emerging into a better place where there is a little more breathing room and a little less running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Jonathan has finally adjusted to preschool this year. It took him a solid week and a half of crying "most of the morning" before he had a good day with only a few tears when Daddy dropped him off. Those first days were rough on us all. When Jim would get out of the car to drop him off he would start to cry and say "home"; when I would pick him up and he would have dried salt crusted on his cheeks and neck from tears. But now that he realizes this is the routine, he is into it and excited to be at school. Though I think he is still holding onto some residual frustration about me abandoning him (based on how his reactions to me have changed and the frequency of his tantrums).

In the mean time, Jonathan's vocabulary has been continuing to expand like crazy. He has figured out that people besides Mama and Dada have names- and is eagerly learning (so far he's got "Gamma" "UncBri" "Guinee"). He has also started to learn his numbers (the math teacher in me rejoices...). He knows 1 and 2 and loves labeling how many of something there is.

I continue to be amazed at how quickly he is turning into a little boy right in front of us. He is so much fun and so much fun to interact with!!

pre-summer nerves

I realized today that I am a little nervous about the summer. In particular what the summer will do to my mental health. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being with Jonathan. But his never-ending sickness has thrown me off of my game a little bit (He has been doing a lot better since Sunday and has been back at preschool yesterday and today. His appetite is back, he has had solid poops, and he seems like himself again. But he still isn't back to a normal diet so we aren't out of the woods yet.)

But after staying home with him off and on for the past 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I am not cut out for stay-at-home mommy-hood. Granted his being sick has made my days at home more about counting the hours between episodes of vomiting and diarrhea, constantly worrying about him, and second guessing myself than enjoying the company of my little bean. But I am already feeling bored by the toys in our living room, sick of our current library of board books, and grossed out by the unpleasantness of summer here .

Anyway, we'll see how the summer treats us, but I think I will need a major mental shift from working mommy to staying at home mommy. I think I will need regular outings, dates with friends, and some projects that can be conquered during nap-times. Here's to to 3 more days of school!!

the difference between boys and girls

Today I was teaching my AP physics class and I did an activity that I've done for years in my advanced physics classes where students plot points on a poster with markers and draw arrows to indicate the amount of force they have calculated. This year, my class is small and 4 out of the 5 students are girls. They spent a full 5 minutes coordinating the color scheme of the dots and arrows to make sure they didn't have clashing colors and that the finished product would have a coordinated look. They pressured the sole male student to abandon his orange marker because it broke the color scheme. No such thing has ever happened in my boy-dominated classes.

precautions

At least 6 of my students are currently out sick with H1N1. Several others are out with unknown ailments (possibly H1N1). We were supposed to get vaccines at school last week, but there was a problem and for some reason we haven't gotten them yet. I really don't want to get sick and pass it on to the big J. Would it send the wrong message to start wearing a surgical mask to school?

tired

Today I'm not so sure about the working-mom thing... I feel so tired I might die. Tired like my bones hurt. And I don't see really when that is going to change. I found myself looking out at my students today and just not caring. Not a good sign. Would I feel better if I wasn't working? I don't know. I would certainly feel better if my alarm was not going off at 5:30. I guess for now the plan is to continue to bring on the coffee...

guilt

Today I felt guilty about being a working mommy. Most days it doesn't hit me like this, but today as I was picking Jonathan up after work, I just had this guilt rolling around in the pit of my stomach. Guilt that I am being selfish by wanting to be back at work. Guilt that I enjoy my job. I know in my head that continuing to teach is and will be a really good thing for everyone and that taking care of my family means taking care of myself. But today my stomach forgot that bit of knowledge and left me feeling crummy.

On the lighter side, here are some pics I took of Jonathan this weekend playing with his new toys!

I will not think about work

I have made pretty good on my resolution to leave the school building by 3:00 during this first week of school. And I have been great at not bringing any work home with me. But the problem is that I don't know what to do if I am not obsessing about my job. I feel guilty and listless. Out of place. For example, what should I do this evening now that Jonathan has gone to bed? I have no papers to grade, no lessons to write, no labs to try... Perhaps I should meditate using the mantra "I will not think about work".

week 1

Well I made it through the first week back to work with surprisingly few tears- really almost none. It helps that I love my job and the people I work with (and that there were no students yet). And it helped that Jonathan was just at home with Jim this week. I think I was thinking of it more like stepping out to run some errands than being gone all day at work. I stayed true to my goal of leaving work (or packing up) by 3:00- even today when it meant leaving without lesson plans for one of my classes on Tuesday. And despite the fact that I could (and know some teachers who are), I am not going in tomorrow or on Sunday to finish up. I will not let my job take over my life this year. (someone else has already done that!)

I think it will be harder next week. I will have the normal stress of all new students- learning names, new schedules, discipline, no free time, etc. Plus Jonathan will be at day-care and not just at home.

But so far so good.

day 2

Second day back to work today.
Yesterday was fine. It felt great to get out of the house and do something besides be a mommy. Pumping went fine. I got home from work and Jonathan was happy and smiley and we had a good evening. All in all a good day.

Today work was fine (getting up at 5:30 was a bit harder though). But about an hour after getting home I looked at the clock and couldn't believe how close it was to bedtime! And putting Jonathan to bed just now I really didn't want to lay him down in the crib. I really wanted to keep holding him for hours and hours staring at his wonderful little face!

last day of summer

I can't believe how fast the summer has gone! Or that I have an (almost) 4 month old baby! (Seriously- where did he come from?!?) Crazy! Last year at this point I didn't even know I was pregnant.

Summer is like this great pause button in my life. I get a few months to relax and recuperate and to reflect on my life over the past year. I get to visit friend and family and work on hobbies- all that stuff that never quite fits into regularly scheduled life. And while I'm sad that it is almost over and I'll be starting the rat race of my "real" life over again, I think it will be good for me. Good for me to get up and go on a schedule. Good for me to have some purpose that lets me define me for me (instead of in relation to some boy). Good for me to get out of the house. Good for me to have a creative outlet. Good for me to reconnect with my friends at school. And good because it helps me remember to treasure these "lazy" days of summer!

back to school shopping

Well I think I have just finished my back-to-school shopping. It is amazing how fast $200 goes on stuff like paperclips, sticky-notes, and file folders- all that stuff you need and just take for granted. I went shopping alone this year (aside from Jonathan who is not a great back-to-school motivator). And maybe because I went on a weekday morning, but it just felt lonely.

I used to go back-to-school shopping with my friend Rachel until she moved away. She is an amazing motivator. She really is just wonderful. One of those people with excitement toward life and its adventures and contagious optimism. She always has great new plans and hopes for the new year. I need her spirit this year because my optimism is tainted with a sense of impending dread. Dread that with 5 preps my plate will be too full for me to enjoy teaching. Dread that boundaries will be harder to draw and a choice for the very important will mean a choice against the important. Dread that I will end each day with a feeling that I did too much not well enough.

This year the smell of new pencils and expo markers will be mixed up with the absence of the smell of slightly sour milk and soft baby skin...

I have less than 3 weeks left of summer break. And the thought of leaving Jonathan when I go back to work makes me feel sick to my stomach today. I still think it is the right decision. But I hate it. The longest I have gone without being in the same room with him since he was born is 5 hours. How will I survive seeing him only a few hours a day after work and before bed?