still conflicted

So I started back to work a week and a half ago.   I was, of course, dreading it and plotting all kinds of ways to be able to quit and stay home and still pay our mortgage.  But then I got back to work and was immediately reminded in many ways of how much I like my job.  I think what I do is important.  I think it is fun and rewarding. I enjoy my students and my colleagues.

Zoë took to her teachers and class easily and was adjusted to taking a bottle by day 2. Here is her grinning on her 1st day.

Her teachers are fantastic and it is possible she gets more kisses at school than at home as she always seems to have lipstick on her forehead when I pick her up.

The time between picking them up and dinner and bedtime is crazy.  I run around with my hair afire, helping Jonathan on the potty, cooking dinner, rocking Zoë, feeding the dog, etc.   I feel like I don't get a chance to look anyone in the eye until they are in bed.  And that makes me sad.  As much work as it is to be at home all day, there are peaceful moments and chances to sit and snuggle or set up train sets or draw pictures.

Plus I have major baby brain.  For example, Tuesday on the drive to work I panicked that I didn't have my keys and almost turned the car around to go home to look for them.  I mix up my classes, lessons, and cannot focus on anything for more than 5 or 10seconds.  I am so grateful that I had a few weeks of lessons planned beyond my maternity leave; but I am a little nervous about when they run out and I am forced to do long range planning with my courses.  I set up a coffee pot in my classroom, but I'm not confident coffee will be enough.

So I guess at least for now, I'm still working and still conflicted about it.  I'm trying to savor every minute of Christmas break.