precautions

At least 6 of my students are currently out sick with H1N1. Several others are out with unknown ailments (possibly H1N1). We were supposed to get vaccines at school last week, but there was a problem and for some reason we haven't gotten them yet. I really don't want to get sick and pass it on to the big J. Would it send the wrong message to start wearing a surgical mask to school?

sleepless in virginia

Jonathan was up every 2 hours last night... until 2am at which point he started waking up and crying every hour. At that point I turned off the baby monitor and let him cry. I felt a mixture of guilt and self-hatred as I selfishly prioritized my own sleep over comforting my crying child, but my exhausted self took over.

I woke up an hour and a half later, remembered that I had turned the monitor off, panicked, and turned it back on. It was totally silent. I continued panicking, convinced that Jonathan had been kidnapped and I had not woken up to save him because I had not heard the intruder's footsteps or Jonathan's cry on the monitor. I knew this was an irrational thought and so I spent the next 20 minutes laying awake convincing myself that it was irrational and that I should not go upstairs. I finally got myself back to sleep and 15 minutes later Jonathan was awake and crying. I woke up so relieved to hear his un-kidnapped self that I almost cried myself. At this rate I'm going to have a nervous breakdown by the end of the week!

faith

The sermon this morning had something to do with the fact that faith gives Christians an inner strength to deal with hard stuff in life. I really want the meaning and purpose and big-picture framework for understanding the world that faith gives. I would love to find that comfort and joy in hardship. I would love to know deep down inside that when the people I love die they go to heaven to fulfill their purpose in life and that all of the suffering that people endure worldwide has a bigger picture where justice and compassion win. But as I sat there listening to the sermon, I realized that, at least for the moment, I can't get to that faith.

Have you ever bitten down on something that hurt a tooth so much that you couldn't take another bite? My faith that God would be there for me personally as a strength and comfort in difficult times was shattered during my depression and I was shattered along with that faith. And, despite the fact that I am medication and therapy free now, that broken part of my heart where faith used to live hasn't healed. I cannot set myself up for another fall when a belief that had given me meaning and purpose and comfort is crushed again. My heart will not take another bite of faith.

Sometimes I think I sound whiny and weak when I listen to myself think about why I don't believe anymore. Depression is awful and debilitating and a true disease, but in my mind it doesn't stack up to true horrors like genocide and child abuse. And yet God not being there for me in my dark hours crushed me. I don't believe and I can't. I used to try to make myself believe- fake it till you make it- but if I am not honest with myself about myself I don't think I have any hope of ever having any genuine faith.

unself conscious

Today what I love about babies is how utterly self conscious they are. I have a picture of Jonathan on my desk that I just love. He is sitting there, bald as a cue-ball, droll dripping down his chin and he has this giant grin on his face like looking at you is the most wonderful thing he can imagine. He is just so excited to be with you that he doesn't care that he isn't wearing pants or that he has sweet potatoes on his shirt. Oh to be able to enjoy life with that kind of abandon!

wet raspberries

Jonathan is into blowing raspberries lately. And headbanging. When he gets really excited he starts doing both wildly. I'll was holding him while I was cooking dinner tonight and the dog walked in the room. Jonathan gasped/squealed in delight when he saw the dog and then started blowing raspberries and banging his head into my shoulder repeatedly. It caught me off guard and I started laughing- which made Jonathan bang his head faster and more violently- which made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants. What weird creatures babies are!!

content

Getting up in the middle of the night to nurse has its downsides (duh). But when Jonathan is finished eating, he has the most totally contented and peaceful look on his face as I hold him in my arms and lay him back down. I love it. I wish I could feel that good on a regular basis, but looking at his sweet face helps!!

1.5 miles

Yay!! Today I went for my first run in months! Only 1.5 miles, but it was better than nothing. Running has been in my plan for so many days lately, but it is always the first thing to go- and hence always goes!! But today it was cloudy again and icky out again and I was starting to become depressed and angry so Jim made me go. And it was like magic (like it always is) at making me feel better. Jim always remembers this and I always forget so it is a good thing I keep him around!!

self sufficiency

I firmly believe that I should be able to do anything and everything. And that if I can do something, I should. Asking for help is not something I do. This especially applies to things I might consider paying someone else to do and leads me to feel guilty whenever I pay someone to change the oil in my car, put new gutters on my house, do any sort of yard work, paint my fingernails, cook food for me, etc. I'm working on the idea that while I might be physically able to something does not mean that I should. This is a new idea for me and one I'm only starting to believe. The fact that my time is so increasingly limited is forcing me to make some of choices. For example, I could vaccuum or I could spend time playing with Jonathan- not a difficult choice. But lately it has come to my attention that no one around here is doing any house cleaning. And so, after working through some significant feelings of shame and inadequacy, we have decided to pay someone to come and clean our house twice a month. Some days this decision leaves me with this amazingly light and ecstatic feeling freedom and joy. On other days (today) my pride sneaks out and causes me to take on projects like pulling the oven out from the wall and undertaking a massive effort to scrub it and the floor behind it clean- just to prove that I am not a slob.

tired

Today I'm not so sure about the working-mom thing... I feel so tired I might die. Tired like my bones hurt. And I don't see really when that is going to change. I found myself looking out at my students today and just not caring. Not a good sign. Would I feel better if I wasn't working? I don't know. I would certainly feel better if my alarm was not going off at 5:30. I guess for now the plan is to continue to bring on the coffee...

strollers....

My stroller saga continues. It seems to me that there should be, somewhere out there, a perfect stroller that does everything. It doesn't seem like it should be all that difficult. Alas. I found myself buying our 3rd stroller today . We now own:

1) the lightweight snap'n'go stroller that our infant car seat clips into which has been great for the past few months but is rapidly loosing its usefulness and Jonathan becomes less and less happy laying down- unless he is sleeping during my errands.

2) an umbrella type stroller to replace the snap'n'go on those occasions where Jonathan is awake and wanting to be sitting looking out instead of on his back looking and boring old Mom.

3) and as of a few hours ago a jogging stroller to tackle the abysmal sidewalk situation in our neighborhood and (hopefully) to help me get back into some sort of running routine without feeling like I am sacrificing my precious afternoon time with my baby!

All I can say is thank goodness for craigslist! I think I've managed to pay less than $100 for all three! The next question becomes- where do I store all of these things?!?

guest room quilt

I finally finished the quilt I started planning last spring! Next for this room is some new curtains and possibly a fun colored paint!

graduation

On Tuesday, after 3 years and thousands of dollars, I graduated from therapy!! I went in for my appointment and we talked about how well I was doing and why and then my therapist said "So I don't know that you need to keep coming back. What do you think?" It was fantastic feeling to hear her say those words!! After spending the past 5 years struggling through major clinical depression, I am off of medication (for over a year!!) and now am out of therapy and cannot remember feeling so good about life! I have worked really hard at learning to speak up for myself and to say what I need without feeling guilty for having needs. I have built relationships and my career and have made a place for myself in this city where I didn't ever really want to end up. I'm learning to live in the NOW and enjoy the pain and joy of each moment instead of letting my mind sabotage me with regret and worry. I am still obviously growing and working on all of those things, and probably will for the rest of my life. But right I feel really good in my own skin!!

guilt

Today I felt guilty about being a working mommy. Most days it doesn't hit me like this, but today as I was picking Jonathan up after work, I just had this guilt rolling around in the pit of my stomach. Guilt that I am being selfish by wanting to be back at work. Guilt that I enjoy my job. I know in my head that continuing to teach is and will be a really good thing for everyone and that taking care of my family means taking care of myself. But today my stomach forgot that bit of knowledge and left me feeling crummy.

On the lighter side, here are some pics I took of Jonathan this weekend playing with his new toys!

fall gardening

This weekend I finally got out (a little) in the garden.

My sweet peppers had a hard time this year. Between something critter eating their leaves, planting too early and who know what else, we just didn't get the yield I had last year from my jalapenos. Maybe sweet peppers are harder than hot ones? I don't know. But I started these from seed and despite the fact that they are supposed to be orange peppers, I am still proud of the result:

And my dwarf pomegranate tree produced 5 mini-pomegranates!! I ate one standing right there on the deck, the others made it into the kitchen. I probably should have let them ripen a little more (since they are rather tart and more pinkish than deep red), but I was getting nervous about the cooling nights.

My beets are sprouting! I mulched around them yesterday and will probably need to thin them soon (I hate cutting some of them down though)

The lettuce seeds I planted 3 weeks ago are coming up and looking nice. I planted the second half yesterday so hopefully we'll have home grown lettuce for a while!


Sadly, the spinach sprouts I thought were coming up well turn out to be only weeds :( I think I have problem with spinach. Last year mine bolted before we got any good leaves!!

breast is best!... sometimes

I have loved breastfeeding Jonathan. At first I was skeptical (it just seemed so weird that someone was going to be milking me) and I was frustrated that no one (Jim) could really help me with the middle of the night feedings. But now, 5 months into it, I wouldn't do it any other way. In addition to the health benefits for Jonathan (complete nutrition + antibodies) and me (breast cancer), it is terribly convenient (no mixing and warming formula, no bottles to wash...) and cheap, always available and has been a great bonding experience for me and Jonathan. Plus it has helped boost my confidence that I am fit to be a mother to see my body naturally be able to produce food for the little guy. Overall fantastic- I can't recommend it highly enough.

BUT I was talking to a friend of mine a few days ago who has a 4 month old and who is doing the formula thing. Apparently her baby is going for 8-10 hrs at night without waking to eat and has been doing so for a month or so (for comparison, I still think a night of 2 4 hr stretches is akin to Christmas coming early). So the reaction to her statement in my head was "Are you *&%^$ing me?!?!" Hopefully what came out of my mouth was more appropriate. But because I am so flipping sleep deprived, I really have no recollection of what I actually said.

still sick

Jonathan still has this head cold (that Jim and I have had the wonderful opportunity to share) and over the past two days it has morphed from just sniffles and a runny nose to him having what sounds like a raspy sore throat. Poor little guy. He sometimes cries with this snarly high pitched voice that is so pathetic and then it hurts to have cried and so he cries more with this sorrowful look on his face. It breaks my heart.

apple picking

While visiting some wonderful friends in Charlottesville last weekend, we went to an apple orchard. Jim and I picked a few apples and I was munching away on mine while holding Jonathan when he starting lunging for and pulling the apple into his mouth. He loved chewing on my partially eaten fruit- hilarious!


Plus it was wonderful to be around such good friends!! Thanks guys!