faith

The sermon this morning had something to do with the fact that faith gives Christians an inner strength to deal with hard stuff in life. I really want the meaning and purpose and big-picture framework for understanding the world that faith gives. I would love to find that comfort and joy in hardship. I would love to know deep down inside that when the people I love die they go to heaven to fulfill their purpose in life and that all of the suffering that people endure worldwide has a bigger picture where justice and compassion win. But as I sat there listening to the sermon, I realized that, at least for the moment, I can't get to that faith.

Have you ever bitten down on something that hurt a tooth so much that you couldn't take another bite? My faith that God would be there for me personally as a strength and comfort in difficult times was shattered during my depression and I was shattered along with that faith. And, despite the fact that I am medication and therapy free now, that broken part of my heart where faith used to live hasn't healed. I cannot set myself up for another fall when a belief that had given me meaning and purpose and comfort is crushed again. My heart will not take another bite of faith.

Sometimes I think I sound whiny and weak when I listen to myself think about why I don't believe anymore. Depression is awful and debilitating and a true disease, but in my mind it doesn't stack up to true horrors like genocide and child abuse. And yet God not being there for me in my dark hours crushed me. I don't believe and I can't. I used to try to make myself believe- fake it till you make it- but if I am not honest with myself about myself I don't think I have any hope of ever having any genuine faith.