a different sort of thanksgiving

Again it comes down to living in the present. To enjoy and give thanks for the wonder and sorrow that this moment holds without letting yourself get caught in worry about tomorrow or regret about yesterday. Over the past two days most of my hours have been in the hospice wing of the hospital, but surrounded by the most wonderful family I could have ever asked for- parents, husband, uncles, brother, baby and gramma. Every moment has been precious. There has been real grief in every moment, but there has also been real joy in every moment. I think the trick of it all is to hold them both in tension. As I've learned to pay attention to my own soul, I have found that the dark, hopeless, empty pain comes almost exclusively when I borrow worry about what will happen in the future or dwell in the past that will never be repeated.

If you are a praying person, pray for us. It is not easy to watch someone you love so much die and that dark pain is hard to keep at bay.

tooth!

I was putting Jonathan to bed a few minutes ago and as I was picking him up to carry him upstairs, he jammed the fleshy part of my thumb into his mouth and as he chomped/sucked on my hand, it felt odd. So I peeked into his mouth (no easy task considering that he insisted on sticking his tongue out)... and there was a tiny little tip of a tooth!!!

Jim and I agree that we are not sure what we think of this latest development for several reasons:

1) We are flying tomorrow- flying with a teething baby might not be as much fun as it sounds

2) Jonathan has the perfect smile exactly the way it is. What if we don't like this new "toothed" look?

3) nursing..??

ending

My Gramma was admitted to the hospital ICU on Sunday 1400 miles from where I live. She has terminal bone cancer and has run out of treatment options. She is not doing well. I do not know if I will ever get to see her again.

I am wrestling with the enormous heartache that comes with the imminent loss of someone who has always seemed bigger than life and has always been an embodiment of grace and love and strength. As long as I have known her she has been so full of life and laughter. She has led an amazing life and I think this is her time. But she will leave a huge hole in all of our hearts. The world will be so much less without her and I just feel heavy.

How can life hold so much sorrow and so much joy? I'm not sure our souls are designed to handle endings.

just for grampa steve

hands and knees

Yesterday I set Jonathan down on the floor to play on his tummy. And to my surprise, when I plopped him down he landed on his hands and knees instead of on his tummy. He looked delighted with himself and just sat there looking around (mostly at the dog) for several minutes before he fell over onto his tummy. He was so adorable I had to snap a picture!

video of the day...

How is it that the baby totally consumes all activities during my day and then after he goes to bed I spend hours reviewing pictures and videos of him?? Some might call this sort of behavior obsessive...

money

My idea of being responsible with money used to be to simply spend as little as possible (by buying only what was necessary for life and getting as good a deal as possible- even if that means buying saurkraut in 5 gallon containers at Costco) and then putting as much money as possible into savings.  But my ideas are starting to change...

I was reading "In Defense of Food" over the summer and at the end of the book, after arguing the ills of the food industry's over processing food, the author made the excellent point that we are anything but powerless against this corporate problem.  Every time we shop, we are casting our votes for or against real food produced in a sustinable and responsible way.  Sure we don't always have all the information we need, or have unlimited access to alternatives, but there are enough alternatives in farmer's markets, grocery produce sections, CSAs, etc that we can make a difference.  And that has been bouncing around in my little brain ever since.  Somehow the idea that using money responsibly is more than getting a good deal had never occured to me.  But the more I ponder it, the more I love the idea that spending it can be a tool to promote sociatal change and support industries and practices I think are important. 

So in that vein, Jonathan and I went on our first adventure to the local farmer's market on Sunday and it was great.  I think we will join their next CSA season starting in January and start shopping ther more often.  I bought our first case of "green" diapers this week and though I cringed a little when I calculated that I was spending $0.10 more per diaper, I feel good about it.  $0.10 per diaper won't break the bank in our house and supporting environmentally sound manufacturing is important.  If I, as someone who is passionate about the environment and has some disposable income won't support responsible industry- who will?

giving up

Ever since Jonathan has been able to roll over, he has done so in his sleep. This has caused me all sorts of stress (my latest worry) and up until very recently I was under the impression that he would roll over, get stuck, and this would upset him so he would start to cry.  I discovered this weekend, however, that he rolls over almost as soon as I lay him down.  I put him down for a nap yesterday and carefully followed the advice of the American Association of Pediatrics by laying him on his back to prevent SIDS.  By the time I had walked out of the door, he had flipped over (in his sleep) onto his stomach and had scrunched his knees up underneath him... 

I tried to roll him back, but (still in his sleep) he fought it and kept rolling back over to the same position.  I am officially giving up.  Sorry, AAP- this baby is a tummy sleeper!!

cleaning ladies

The cleaning ladies came for the first time yesterday: AMAZING!  I was at a networking session for work and came home to find Jim playing with the baby and 4 wonderful people finishing a thourough cleanning of the house.  AWESOME!!!  I love this arragement!  The house smells clean and looks neat. The sinks are spotless and the microwave looks new inside.  The dog hair is gone (except the hair the dog is rapidly generating to replace that which was cleaned).  The rust stains are even gone from the bathtub!!  FANTASTIC! I am constantly looking around and finding new things that are clean that I had relegated to the "forever tarnished" category.  I guess I didn't realize what a load of guilt and shame I was carrying around about not having a clean house, but I feel like a whole new woman!  I cannot recommend this arrangement highly enough.

root canal

I am constantly amazed at modern medical science.  For example, it is amazing to me that today I went to an endodontist who was able, within seconds of my sitting down, to take and examine digital x-rays of my tooth and nerve.  And, within an hour, she had drilled my tooth open, removed the nerves from all 4 roots, replaced the nerves with rubber, and then cover the whole thing back up again.  As she was removing the nerve, she asked if I wanted to see it (and of course I did) and it was amazing!!  Like a tiny little bright red hair.  The best part of the whole deal was that it didn't hurt a bit.  She even used a topical anesthetic and so the shot of Novocaine didn't  hurt!! The worst part, however, was the bill...  our bank account might take longer to heal than my mouth!

Halloween!

Every year I dread Halloween.  I don't like scary things.  I don't like the dark.  I don't like stragers coming to my door.  But then every year, we do the whole sitting by the door and passing out candy thing and I realize that it is kinda nice.  It was beautiful weather last night, so after we watched the end of the Duke game (go blue devils!) we sat out on our step with our giant bowl of candy and the baby monitor and just enjoyed the evening.  We chatted with our neighbors and all in all had a good time.  Why do I dread this every year?