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Sunday, October 24, 2010

In Mommy's Shoes

What can I say, Jonathan LOVES shoes. At the pool this summer he could spot an unattended shoe with eagle eyes and would be off stealing them before I could blink. Now he has discovered that he can wear other people's shoes and it's a whole new game!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

deflated

I feel sort of like a deflated balloon. A lot of crappy stuff has happened this fall. In August a former student of mine was killed in a shooting. In September I went to the funeral of this dear young man who didn't make it to 23, but whose son was turning 1 in a week. Two weeks later I lost my baby. And now I just feel weighed down. I am putting one foot in front of the other, making it through every day. I am trying to relish every fleeting moment of Jonathan's one-year-oldness. But some more of life's shiny coating has worn off. I dislike this world where babies die and some people are never given a chance and where there is so much pain. There are things that genuinely make me smile and even laugh every day. But I am always conscious of a deep sadness lurking just behind my smile.

I am afraid. I am afraid I will sink back into my depression. I found a ziplock bag full of 4-year-old prozac in my desk drawer this week, and it made me cry. I don't want to head down that dark path again. I don't want to be depressed again. I don't want to be on meds again or in therapy again. Not that they were not wonderful things for me and things I for which am incredibly thankful and things I would do again in a heartbeat if I needed to. I just really don't want to be in a place where I do need them again.

I don't know where the line is between normal grieving and dealing with stress and needing help. I don't think I have crossed it. Yet. I still feel like myself, just feel like a deflated version. I guess time will tell.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

young picasso

Today Jonathan brought his first art projects home from school!!



I am super glad they are doing art at school. Not only do I think it is important, but I would NOT give him glue, glitter, or finger paint at home. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall in his preschool class during art class. Seriously, 8 one-year-olds with finger paint? I'm just glad I'm not on clean-up duty!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

weekend pics

Jonathan sporting his new kicks and new wheels!
Relaxing while Daddy was working
A Dukie at heart, Jonathan is already loving the basketball!

jealousy

I took Jonathan with me this afternoon to visit and bring dinner to some friends who just had a baby. As always it took a few minutes for him to survey and get adjusted to new people, but once he was actively engaged with the dog and some balls, I got a chance to hold the new baby. He was precious!! So tiny and wonderful!! I loved it. Jonathan did not. When he saw I was holding the baby, he promptly gave me the stink-eye and marched himself over to my chair. He then pointed to the baby and said emphatically "baby down". I was shocked by his strong and immediate emotional reaction and because I think this is the first time he has strung more than one word together to make a "sentence". I guess jealousy is a powerful motivator for communication!!
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