New Year's Reflection

Last New Year's Eve I thought a lot about the things in my life I wanted to change and what I wanted the new year to bring. This year I'm not in a place where I can do that. I feel like I barely have my feet under me and like I am in no place to gaze into the future and make goals (though I would like to make it to the gym a little more often). Instead, I am feeling more retrospective and have been thinking a lot about the changes we have all undergone over the past 12 months.

Jonathan has gone through phase after phase that has seemed so intense and immediate and unending- but they have (almost) all ended and gone into the next equally intense and unique phase. From crawling to walking to running and tip-toeing. From nursing almost exclusively to slopping through jars of baby food and gumming cheerios to wielding a fork and spoon on his own with skill and eating dinner with the family from his own plate. From formless babbles to one syllable words to speaking in sentences and attempting to carry the melody while singing the entire lyrics of songs. He has gained 9 teeth (including 4 molars) and has graduated to the big bathtub. He still smiles and laughs almost all the time and thinks with his tongue out. He still has a boundless love for all things ball (in March his first word was ball and today he chose to sit and watch basketball on TV with Daddy instead of coming upstairs for cookies). And he is still a complete joy and wonder for which I am grateful every day.

Looking at old pictures and video, the change in that kiddo this year is astounding. I guess a year will do that when it comprises over half of your life.

I have not grown or changed as much as Jonathan this year, but I have weathered a few storms and heartbreaks and have worked really hard to live in the moment and enjoy every second I have for what it is. I like to think that I am wiser and that some of the experiences of this year will leave me changed for the positive. I like to think that I am more compassionate, more willing to say "yes" and "no" at the right times, more comfortable with who I am and who I am not, and more able to weather the ups and downs that life throws my way. I have no idea what 2011 holds; I'm sure there will be laughter and tears. My hope is that I am able to focus on the true and meaningful parts of life more and more. That I am able to see more clearly what this life is and what it is not. And that I am brave enough to not turn away when the going gets tough.

christmas tree

Jonathan loves art at school and always talks about his paintings and coloring projects with great pride. So, partially inspired by a blog by a super creative mom, I decided to brave the world of paint and a 1 year old. I changed him into an old set of clothes that I never liked anyway, covered the dining room table with an old outdoor tablecloth and set to dipping little hands in green paint.

Jonathan LOVED it. I tried to be cool and laid back, but really I was on pins and needles the entire time he was banging his little hands around in the paint. I stayed calm on the outside until he started turning around and putting his hands on the chair. And then I only let out a little yelp of panic, and quickly wiped up the mess. I still need to work on some logistical details (tips on smocks anyone?) but at was doable and I think we will be doing more painting at home.

I spent some time last night cutting out tiny hand prints (40 in all)

and gluing them to a background

So today we had more craft-time decorating the Christmas Tree! I'm not sure I Jonathan recognized that the tree was made from his hand-prints or not. But he enjoyed the stickers and shiny bows nonetheless. And I had fun too!

Christmas Projects

In my mind the evenings before Christmas are filled with quiet egg-nog drinking and relaxing in front of a sparkling tree. In actuality the evenings are usually filled with exhaustion and chaos, half-completed projects and a constant stress that not everything will get done perfectly. I make mental lists, but never seem to make progress in checking them off because my brain adds projects faster than I can complete them. To be clear, I love projects and crafts. The process of imagining and creating things is one of the things that makes me feel the most alive inside. However, I typically have no discernment about how many things I can take on at once. And I never give myself a break. (Perfectionism is one of the things I used to talk to my therapist about on almost every visit.) I am trying really really hard this year, however, to not beat myself up about not getting it all done and take the time to sit back and enjoy my time with Jonathan. So if you don't get our Christmas card until January, assume it is because I was taking the time to help Jonathan play with our nativity scene or enjoy the magic of Christmas lights.

That being said, I still have a list of projects to complete before Friday, and I finished the most major one today. Years ago, before there was a Jonathan on the horizon, I hand quilted stockings for Jim and myself. Back in those days I had the time to piece a complicated pattern, hand quilt it and embroider our initials. Back in those days I couldn't really imagine why I wouldn't be able to do the same if and when we were adding stockings to our mantle. This year when I realized the time commitment in making one for Jonathan, I almost threw them out bought new ones for all three of us. But I love our stockings and I love that I made them. So last week I braved the snowstorm and took Jonathan to the fabric store to pick out some new fabrics. And after spending hours in the evenings and during nap times, today I finished the final stitches!!

Who knows if I will finish knitting hats and beading necklaces and baking cookies and writing cards. But Jonathan has a stocking and a Mommy who has resolved to enjoy the magic of the season!!

Jonathan Narrates "At the Beach"

One of my favorite things is to have Jonathan "read" books to me. Here is his version of "At the Beach"

"Bucket"

"Shovel"

"Hoop!! Shoot it basketball!!! Two Points!"

Either he's missing that the book has an overall theme or else believes that basketball goes with anything. I'm guessing the latter.

Jonathan dump it?

Jonathan is a huge talker. Not only does he continually narrate his every move, but he also tells you in advance/asks permission for everything he is about to do. For example today one of our major activities was moving every one of his socks from his sock drawer to the laundry hamper and back. One. At. A. Time. And every time he got to the hamper, he would look at me and say "Jonathan sock in it?" and wait for me to give him the OK to put the sock in the hamper.

The upside is that he not only asks permission to do ridiculously benign things, but also asks about activities like throwing things in the toilet or hitting the dog with the pool noodle. Today at dinner he picked up his cup, looked at me and said "Jonathan dump it?". No sweetie, you cannot dump your milk on the floor. He will then re-ask the question 500 times, but will usually eventually take no for an answer. I imagine our ask-first days are numbered, but I'm enjoying them for now!!

Mommy's Helper

Jonathan LOVES helping in the kitchen. And he LOVES sitting on the counter. Today he was sorting the broccoli from the strainer into the pan. And then back into the strainer. And then back into the pan... the sorting occupied him for over 30 minutes. Here he is smiling for the camera!

bully

So it turns out Jonathan is the class bully at the preschool. I have seen him scope out a younger kid and push them down before. But lately we have been getting notes from his teachers such as:

"Jonathan has been pushing children down0 we've talked to him about his. Please talk to him at home".

or

"Still pushing quite a bit- we are talking to him about this and making him sit out for a few minutes"

or

"Quite a bit of hitting right before nap."

or (more hopefully)

"Less pushing today!! Jonathan really enjoys art class"

Upon discussing this with the teachers, I have come to learn that he specifically targets one little girl in his class. Great. So when we read books about other children, I try to emphasize that we are gentle with other children like we are gentle with the dog. I try to catch him in the act of being nice (or naughty) and reinforce, but I'm not around him with other kids that much. I guess I am glad that he has a confident temperament and that he isn't the kid letting someone push him around. But gee I wish he wasn't the class bully at 18 months old.