easy bubbles

Thursday was the latest in what has been a week of whiny screamy days (and nights).  Zoë is cutting teeth which she does with the grace and discretion of a rhinoceros and Jonathan's mouth erupted in canker sores which have been getting worse and making him cry when he eats anything.  We've going through Tylenol and teething tablets like water and still NO ONE around here is sleeping well.  On Thursday Jonathan got up from his nap and collapsed in tears when he bit into his after-nap treat (a soft chocolate candy).  Zoë was in the other room moaning and carrying on because I had set her down while I was getting Jonathan up.  I surveyed the situation- 2 whiny kids and my tired frustration rapidly turning into anger and rising and creeping up from my stomach into my face.  I love them and feel badly about their pain, but there is only so much of that noise- that horrible scratchy dissatisfied whine- I can take and I had reached my limit.  I knew if something didn't happen I would start screaming. And I really didn't want that.  We needed a plan.  Something out of the ordinary that would distract them.   And then I remembered that Jonathan had asked me to fill our star-shaped ice tray with green ice last week and then we had forgotten about it.  PERFECT.

I dug out a clear plastic bin that was just big enough that Zoë wouldn't be able to dump it over once it was full of water and filled it about 5 inches deep with warm water.  I plopped the ice onto a plate, and scrounged the cabinets for a few toys.   Zoë is in a dumping phase- as in dumping everything onto her head- and so I was looking for anything that wouldn't hold water well enough to be dumped.  I ended up with 2 whisks and 2 small sieves out of the cabinet.

Viola.  Entertainment until the ice was melted- 5 minutes.

With the ice melted and they started migrating away from the bin.  NOOO.  5 minutes was NOT enough distracted time to break our funk.  Desperately I tried and an idea I vaguely remembered from pinterest- dishsoap.  I squired in 3 squirts and used the whisk to churn the water and we were back in business.

Green water with oodles of bubbles.  It was a hit.  They played for a good 20 minutes together.  Enraptured and occasionally giggling and NOT whining or needing to be held.  Then Jonathan ran to the other room to get our entire collection of plastic animals and they spend at least 10 more minutes playing hide-and-seek with the animals under the bubbles.

So easy for so much fun and 30 minutes of mental break time for me.  Not a lot has gone right this week- but this got me through Thursday!  

1st Birthday in photos

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!!

Birthday Girl!!

A year in photos.  LOVE (it is still on the mantle).  But man is it hard to pick 6 photos to represent a year!!

So fun.  Pinterest.  

Party guests

the fam

big brother helping to blow out candles on the world's ugliest cake.

no words necessary 

sibling laughter

One of my hopes for my children is that they will learn to love each other well.  That through their interactions they will learn compassion and selflessness and how to love another person.  I don't really know how to foster that kind of relationship, but I am hoping that I can model and guide them so as to plant the seeds of friendship between them.  As always I am learning as I go, but here is what I'm trying and thinking about lately.  (Plus a SUPER cute video of the most adorable kids ever laughing at the rain).

I know they will fight.  I know there will be biting and hitting and screaming.  Zoë has already started biting at Jonathan when he puts his matchbox cars out of her reach.  I've tried to help him be understanding that she is frustrated and doesn't have any other way to express it.  I've tried to explain that she doesn't know why she can't have the cars.  I've tried reminding him that he used to bite when he was a baby too.  And I've emphasized that we are always always always gentle with babies- even when they bite and push and cry.  And so far, he's gotten it- most of the time.  He is a good, protective big brother- but everyone has their limits.  I've had him help me think out loud about how to avoid conflict about his cars and his train-tracks (she currently sees a completed train track as an invitation to destruction).

But I don't want patience and conflict avoidance to define Jonathan's relationship with her.  So I've also tried really hard to include him in noticing the funny things she does and her accomplishments so that he feels pride in her being his baby.  And I've tried to point out the ways she interacts with him- when she giggles or babbles at him, when she mimics his noises or silly faces.  He loves being a ham and making her laugh, and I LOVE it when I see them laughing together.  Aren't they just about the cutest thing ever?!?

5 things (again)

I have been feeling a bit down as of late.  There are days when I feel great and can't wait to explore another day with my two kiddos. We have plans and adventures and we all smile and laugh.  But more often I want to cry and pull the blanket back over my head when it is time to get up.  I feel a little adrift and like I am just going through the motions, trying to survive the day without knowing where we are going or caring if we get there.  I feel just a wee bit exhausted emotionally for a lot of reasons I don't want to get into atm.

BUT I have been trying, trying to put some order and structure around that helps me actually settle in and enjoy the little moments through my stress and exhaustion.  And one of the ways that is most helpful is to try to capture the little things that make me smile on camera.  It makes me stop and think and enjoy and look for ways to find joy instead of ways to sulk.  SO here are my fab five from last week.

1) Pluck.  This girl has it.  She has been working at figuring out that gate ever since we put it up- and she has gotten it open more than once.  Oy.  She is going to keep me running.  But it does make me smile to see her mischievous little grin and watch her work so hard.  

2) Second Breakfast with my little boy.  Almost nothing makes me happier than cooking something fabulous and sharing it with someone who also loves it.  We have been settling down for our snack during Zoë's morning nap and this week we've been having toast with homemade fig jam.  YUMMY.

3) Morning Giggles on the Baby Monitor.  Ok, so the red flashing lights and being woken up in the morning at 6:30 is not always a source of joy or smiles.  BUT to hear the two of them laughing together and crashing around in their cribs like little maniacs and then both dissolving into hysterical laughter does make me smile.  Even at 6:30.  Even though I want to pull the sheet back over my head.

4) The Power Crawl.  Zoë has just started adding a little sprint burst to her crawl when she needs to get somewhere fast. It is hilarious.  And fast- I seriously need to run to catch up now.  Her little legs go so fast and then she usually dives head first into whatever she was after- her monkey-blankie, the dog's bowl, whatever.

5) Potty Talk.  Maybe I shouldn't talk about poop in public. But this made me laugh harder than anything else this week, so I have to share.  I was getting the bath ready and Jonathan was on the potty and before every poop he would sing-song about "What is going to come a-a-out?!?!" and then peal into laughter after each poop-nugget plunked into the pot.  Before becoming a Mommy, no one could have explained the joy of this kind of moment to me- but these are the memories I will cherish when he is a teenager and too cool to be seen with Mom.

Storyboarding

We recently took our first trip ever without our little man- we were flying with the baby; he was staying with Gramma and Grampa.  Since he gets his patience from his mother and still has a limited understanding of long-range planning, I didn't mention it to him until two days before the trip.  I tried to frame it as his adventure in getting to spend the night with Gramma, but his reaction to the news was tears.  "Why don't I get to go on the airplane?!?"

I panicked.  As if I was not already feeling guilty and nervous enough about leaving him.  So I broke out an idea a friend of mine who is an art-therapist had shared with me- storyboards.  The idea is that everyone, even (and especially) little people, do better when they know what to expect.  But little people also have a limited understanding of time and often limited vocabulary.  So storyboards can help prepare and guide them though unfamiliar situations with pictures and a time-line.  And they can take ownership in a situation that is beyond their control if they get to help design and make the storyboard. Plus it helps with the foundations of reading to have a story told from left to right with pictures and words.

So the night before our trip, I sat down at the kitchen table with a big (9x11) sheet of paper, our markers, and Jonathan on my lap.

You can see my artistic ability in the exquisite stick-figures.  I drew one row for each day and divided it up into a few key events- wake up, school, church, bedtime, etc.  As we talked through what his days were going to look like, I tried to give him choices in the pictures.  "When you wake up you will have breakfast with Gramma.  What do you think you will eat?"  or  "Samantha will probably be at school- what color should we draw for her?" or "What kind of toys to you think you will play with Grampa?" By the third or fourth box, he was pretty into the idea and getting more excited about the trip.  He brought the storyboard with him, and Gramma crossed off the days as they happened so he knew when to expect us to return.

I don't know how much it helped him, but the trip went well!

choices

Today was an exhausting day.  It was my first day home for summer vacation and for some reason I guess I was mentally unprepared for what "vacation" was going to look like this year.  Don't get me wrong- I am SUPER excited for this time with my kids.  But I might need something stronger than a pot of coffee to keep me going because staying home with these two little guys is WAY more work that being at work.

(yes, he is wearing 15 shirts)

By the time the kids were in bed and Jim got home from work, he practically had to peel me off of the floor.  And what do I have to show for this day of hard work?  A sink full of dirty dishes, a hamper full of dirty clothes, sticky finger (and mouth) prints on the glass door, a fresh pile of crumbs under the table, and a bathtub full of match-box cars waiting to dry out.  I spent all day today sneaking extra cups of coffee and chocolate chips in a vain attempt to have an ounce more energy.  Nothing got crossed off of my to-do list.  Because I was busy.

Busy constantly monitoring Zoë's progress in learning to army crawl up and down the step into our play room so as to avoid a bloody nose.  Busy answering the 500th question of the "WHY is that lego green?" variety without loosing my sanity completely.  Busy re-stacking the stacking cups- again.

Days like today I feel like I am running at top speed but getting nowhere.  I desperately need a reminder that the to-do list isn't what is important.  A reminder that the things that are important are built.  Slowly.  Little choice by little choice.  The choice to take a deep breath in another room instead of screaming.  The choice to insist on serving zucchini for dinner instead of chips.  The choice to pull out the crayons and stickers instead of popping in a video.  The choice to ask them to share the leggos.  The choice to act like it is a still a surprise when the trash-truck falls down the slide for the 5th time in a row.  None of the choices make much of a difference on their own.  But today I need the encouragement that a week or a month or a year or 18 years of making those choices day in and day out adds up to something.  To kids who know they are valued and important.  To kids who might not always make the right choices, but who know what love and compassion and self discipline and character look like.

Easter

Easter is such a lovely holiday.  Sunny and pastel.  Flowers budding, blue skies, children smiling, voices singing in joy.  Celebration of life.  Or at least that is how I hope the photos will remember it this year.  But the truth about this Easter was that it was NOT a banner day.    So despite how it will appear in our photo album, this is how the day went...

Jonathan woke up early and so we had a chance to do our egg-hunt and find his Easter basket and have breakfast before Zoe woke up at 7:15.   But when I insisted that he eat more than 2 bites of breakfast before delving into Easter candy- tantrum #1.

We had time to experiment with our new water-color set before church.  But then when it was time to put on church clothes- tantrum #2.

We got to church early enough to park 2 blocks away instead of 3.  And when we got out of the car sans stroller and I told Jonathan that, no, I could not carry him and Zoë all the way to church- tantrum #3.

We found Daddy outside and got a lovely photo.  And I am sure the service was equally lovely.  But it happened to coincide with Zoë's morning nap- and she no longer naps well on the go.  So I experienced the service from the cry-room mostly to the tune of a beautifully dressed 7 month old screaming.  She finally fell asleep with 15 minutes left in the service.  I debated staying there in that cry-room for another hour, rocking my baby and letting her nap.  But I didn't.  I picked Jonathan up from Sunday school and when he learned that a) he could only have ONE pastry in the fellowship-hall and that b) he would need to walk back to the car- tantrum #4.

We finally got home; Zoe finally fell back asleep (nap schedule thrown to the wind).  And Jonathan and I finally sat down for lunch.  As Jonathan chewed his apple I was surrounded by quiet for the first time since 6:30am.  I sighed and rested my head on the table for just a moment.  Until the silence was broken by Jonathan's question-- "Why did Jesus have to die?"

Really?  Couldn't these questions be arranged in advance and planned for days when I have NOT been screamed at all morning?  But no, that is not how life goes- there are no dress rehearsals or study sessions before the exam.  BLAM it just hits you in the face when you are least prepared and you have to give it what you've got left and pray for grace.

I know I should probably end this post with a sunny Easter message.  But here is the truth- Life with kiddos is exhausting.  And I am exhausted.  I try to treasure every moment- because I love those coos and "da-da-da"s and all of those questions about heaven and god and firetrucks.  And I try to live out peace and love and compassion.  But I am not at my "A" game right now.  In fact, I don't remember what my "A" game feels like.  So at the end of the day- I regroup and treasure the good moments, thank God for my blessings, and pray for grace.

hope

Hanging above the changing table in our nursery is a poem that my mom embroidered when my brother and I were little.  It says:

Cleaning and scrubbing 

Can wait for tomorrow

For babies grow up

We've learned to our sorrow

So quiet down cobwebs

Dust go to sleep

I'm rocking my baby

And babies don't keep.

Zoë has been grabbing at it every night as I put her PJs on, so I've been reading it aloud and thinking about it on a pretty regular basis lately.  And while I love the sentiment and the reminder that loving on my kiddos is WAY more important that tidying up, that is not what has been standing out to me over the past few weeks.  Lately, my response has been thank-goodness that babies don't keep- because I do not have the energy to do this indefinitely.

Don't get me wrong, I love my babies like crazy.  Today Zoë woke up early so I got to play with her for a few minutes before I headed out to work and when I got in the car,  I cried because I would miss spending the day with her.  But.  But.  I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to not smelling a little bit like sour milk all of the time and to making dinner without simultaneously holding a baby and to tackling a day with a full night's sleep under my belt.

So when I noticed a tiny white corner of a tooth just beginning to peek out from her gums yesterday, I was elated beyond belief.  I will miss that precious gummy little simile.  But that little emerging tooth is like the promise that we are, in fact, making progress.  That she will, indeed, grow into an easier phase and that there is hope of me maintaining some amount of sanity.  I'm sure that some day I will look back on this first year of her life and see it in the rosy light of nostalgia.  But today knowing that it is just a phase gives me the hope I need.

chaos

As a teacher there is something magical about the first days of school.  The gleam and smell of newly waxed floors, the way all of the pencils are perfectly sharpened, the white boards are pristine, and the lesson plans are still perfect- unspoiled by lack of student knowledge or equipment failure or pep-rally schedules.  It feels clean and new and perfect and like if you hold your breath and do everything just right, everything might turn out neat and clean and according to plan.

And then comes February.  And you look up for a moment to survey the chaos around you and think - what happened??  And I have to remind myself every year that it is OK.  The act of learning is not neat and clean- it has all kinds of bumps and hiccups and if you are paying attention to what is being learned, you miss some stuff- like the pencil shavings on the floor and the lab supplies in disarray and the fact that all 20 of the white board makers in your room only kinda still work.

Today felt like chaos all over.  I walked in the door from school and before I had my coat off, Jonathan had dumped out all of his cutting food, two boxed sets of books, and was playing a game that involved rolling tiny rings one at a time across the living room floor.  In every direction the scene looked like this:

I tried to take a moment in the kitchen to regain my composure, but was dismayed to find every counter covered with something.  I could feel my chaos welling up inside me about to explode when Jonathan ran in and said "Mommy, which one do you think goes faster, the blue ring or the green one?!?"  And I saw, amid the utter destruction of all order in my living room a tiny little scientist investigating his world.  Setting up and testing theories, wondering, discovering.  And I remembered that learning is not neat and clean- especially when you are little. So I got back down to sit "criss-cross-applesauce" with my little man and roll those rings all over the livingroom.  Tidy can come after bedtime tonight.

frazzle

Lately I feel like I am struggling to get through each day in tact.  I consciously remind myself multiple times a day that I can only deal with the things on my plate today- tomorrow's stuff will have to wait.  There are not enough hours in the day or energy in my bones to tackle it all.  I am just a bit frazzled at all times.  I have the energy to follow the plan, but beyond that there isn't much gas in the engine.  Surprises and last minute decisions are really not something I handle with grace.  So two unplanned disasters of this afternoon have left me a little raw and unglued.

But somehow I got dinner on the table and the kids are in bed and I managed not to scream at anyone or break down in tears like I really wanted to.  It was finally quiet in our living room and I sat down to go through the mail.  Today we happened to get a glut of cataloges. I normally chuck them without a second glance but today the shiny pages sucked me in.   As I paged through the glossy images of perfect tans and care-free smiles I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I wanted desperately to be sucked into the world within those pages.  A world where I feel put together and, if not glamorous, at least clean and pressed- with no spit-up in my hair, or bags under my eyes, and an outfit that fits and doesn't have a half-chewed goldfish ground into my knees.  I want to be swept into a shiny house with fresh-cut flowers on the coffee table and where dog hair does not waft across the floor and where you do not trip over legos and jungle animals and baby rattles.

I know it is all an illusion- but wouldn't it be nice?  Except that I think I would miss the sleeping snuffling of the baby next to me when I slept.  And the noisy thump-thump-thump of toddler feet running through the house.  So for as rough as I feel tonight, I am glad I am here.  This crazy phase of my life will pass, and I will miss it.

content

As I put Zoë to bed tonight I couldn't help but linger by her crib and watch her for a little longer than normal.  The way she nuzzled her little face into her fleecy blanket.  Her sleepy eyes and soft partial smile.  Her gentle cooing noises and soft kicking- like she was just enjoying the feeling of having legs to stretch.

Not every night is this peaceful- most of the time she likes to fall asleep yelling (not crying - yelling.  and yes she seems to actually like it.)  But tonight she completely embodied contentment.  In addition to making my heart swell up into my throat with the wonder at this beautiful little creature, watching her made me jealous.

I wonder what it would be like to go to sleep with that sort of stillness and peace instead of the mental litany of crud I have as I toss and turn in my bed.  What would it take to have that sort of peace in my life?  How do I get myself to a place where a fleecy blanket and the feeling of my own toes leaves me with that amount of contentment?  

I am not sure the place to start- but bedtime seems like a good goal.  So this week, my goal will be to clear my mind of all of the pointless worry, the shopping lists, the litany of self-criticism, the complaints- all of the clutter, to take a few deep breaths, and to focus on something that I really enjoyed from the day for a few minutes before bedtime.

5 things

Being back to work this week after Christmas break has been tough.  Crazy busy, crazy stress, crazy tired.  And to add to the fun, Zoë has been sleeping really poorly this week.  Perhaps because we are slowly transitioning her to a new bed, perhaps because she is going through a growth spurt (she drank 9oz of milk yesterday at lunchtime).  Who knows.  But the result is that I have been feeling a bit desperate.

I collapsed last night feeling alone, exhausted, depressed, and like my life was totally out of control.  Unfortunately my computer was on and within arms reach and I was seduced by etsy (where spending money makes you feel like you are contributing to society) and amazon-one-click (way too easy).  Which added guilt to my list of maladies.

I woke up this morning feeling lousy.  Crabby, tired, and crabby.  Plus crabby.  As I sat glowering over my oatmeal I decided I needed to do something to rescue this day.  So I resolved that rather than returning to the internet buying debacle of last night, I would try to spend the day focusing on finding things that made me smile and savoring them.  So, here are my top 5:

1) Watching Jonathan put play-dough in his garlic press.  Yes, his garlic press.  The combination (play-dough + press) were in his Christmas stocking because he had been stealing mine so often from the kitchen.  He loves putting wads of play-dough through it and watching the 'hair' grow.  And I love watching his rapt concentration as he does this over and over and over.  Plus the play-dough hair is pretty cool feeling.

2) Baby girl mary-jane socks + legging.  LOVE.

3) Lunch. (You know food was going to make it in here somewhere).  But my sandwich today was perfect.  Toast with kale pesto, (leftover) roasted mushrooms, egg, and mustard.  And I managed to get the egg perfect- where the yolk is still just a tiny bit runny.  

4)  Zoë's quilt.  A dear friend made this for her and I love it.  We use it every day for tummy time and just playing and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

5) Watching Jonathan and Daddy raking.  So many reasons here.  It was warm enough for me to sit out in flip-flops and watch my fantastic husband play with an adorable little boy while doing yard work while I was sitting on the deck playing with a baby.

The remarkable part is that even before I had actually found something to smile about, I was feeling better.  It turns out that turning my focus from "how am I going to make it through the day?" to "what am I really happy with in my life?" makes life a lot more fun.

As I type this I have rocked a screaming Zoë back to sleep twice (and she's only been in bed for 2 hours)- so the night isn't off to a good start.  But the day really was a good one.  And so maybe tonight I'll be able to remember how rocking a healthy adorable baby to sleep isn't so bad.  Even in the middle of the night.

still conflicted

So I started back to work a week and a half ago.   I was, of course, dreading it and plotting all kinds of ways to be able to quit and stay home and still pay our mortgage.  But then I got back to work and was immediately reminded in many ways of how much I like my job.  I think what I do is important.  I think it is fun and rewarding. I enjoy my students and my colleagues.

Zoë took to her teachers and class easily and was adjusted to taking a bottle by day 2. Here is her grinning on her 1st day.

Her teachers are fantastic and it is possible she gets more kisses at school than at home as she always seems to have lipstick on her forehead when I pick her up.

The time between picking them up and dinner and bedtime is crazy.  I run around with my hair afire, helping Jonathan on the potty, cooking dinner, rocking Zoë, feeding the dog, etc.   I feel like I don't get a chance to look anyone in the eye until they are in bed.  And that makes me sad.  As much work as it is to be at home all day, there are peaceful moments and chances to sit and snuggle or set up train sets or draw pictures.

Plus I have major baby brain.  For example, Tuesday on the drive to work I panicked that I didn't have my keys and almost turned the car around to go home to look for them.  I mix up my classes, lessons, and cannot focus on anything for more than 5 or 10seconds.  I am so grateful that I had a few weeks of lessons planned beyond my maternity leave; but I am a little nervous about when they run out and I am forced to do long range planning with my courses.  I set up a coffee pot in my classroom, but I'm not confident coffee will be enough.

So I guess at least for now, I'm still working and still conflicted about it.  I'm trying to savor every minute of Christmas break.

Austerity Measures

About a month ago DH and I both started feeling uncomfortable with our credit card bill.  Not only because most of my maternity leave is unpaid, though that was a factor.  I felt uncomfortable with what spending that amount of money said about us- about what we value and what we let define us.  I don't know how many times a day I would log on to amazon, but having some new thing was my solution to any problem.  I get a huge thrill out of knowing that a package is on the way, and amazon one-click is WAY too easy.  I found myself looking around and valuing myself based on the things that surrounded me rather than who I am.  Buying something new was like a drug- I needed just a little hit every day to make me feel OK.  And at the same time, I felt like we were being overrun with stuff.  Drawers, cabinets, shelves are literally overflowing with stuff that we don't use, but have "just in case".

So we decided to see if we could go for one whole month without spending any money on things besides groceries, toiletries and child related necessities (shoes when Jonathan suddenly outgrew his tennies; warm sleepers for Zoë when the temperatures dropped, etc).  We have almost completed our month and have been remarkably successful in keeping to our goal.  I couldn't help myself and bought a stuffed elephant for Zoë that was just too cute and we stopped for fast food once.  And now that our month is almost over, I am thinking about how it has affected me.

The first, and most obvious, thing is that I have stopped impulse buying.  And I like it.  I hate the feeling of unpacking your bags when you get home and looking at that item that was only $1.99, but you know you don't need and have no space for.  I like knowing that the things in my bag are things we need, not just things we want.

But the bigger thing that I have noticed is that I find my mind a little calmer a little more of the time.  Since there is no point for me to make a mental shopping list for much of anything or to plan projects, I have found myself being in the moment a little more often- whether that moment is playing with Jonathan, being spit-up on, or enjoying the rare quiet when the kids are both napping at the same time.  And I am really enjoying that extra space to just be.  I would like more of it.

So I definately think one month was good, but not enough to get me to where I want to be.  I want that mental space to be permanent.  I want to not even be tempted with those impulse buys. I want less clutter.  And I think my thought patterns will take a lot more than one month to change.  I'm not sure yet what this will look like going forward, but I am hoping we will work out a way to keep these changes going.

fresh air

Today has been a welcome breath of fresh air and relaxation after a few rather stressful days.  Life with a newborn is always exhausting, but yesterday was a remarkably trying day.  She fussed all day.  Not outright screaming most of the time (though we had our share of that too), but that revving up to scream "eeh eeh eeeeeh" noise- like an engine turning over but not quite getting there.  Literally all day.  Jonathan was having one of his 'terrible twos' days where we were living on the edge (or careening over the edge) of a tantrum all day.  DH worked late; dinner was a chore; bedtime was a disaster.  They screamed; I screamed.  We all ended the day on a bad foot.

After they were both finally asleep, I remembered how sweet and wonderful they really are and I sat in the kitchen and cried thinking about all the ways I failed them during the day.  How I lost my temper when Zoë probably had a tummy ache all day.  How I shouldn't have yelled at Jonathan when he tripped over the bouncer and banged his head, accidentally kicking the baby on the way down.  How a better mother would have a little more patience than I exhibited today.  How I hoped they knew how much I desperately love them despite my behavior.  I went to bed not only feeling tired, but like I was the worst version of myself.

But today has been like a ray of sunshine.  Zoë had her best night of sleep yet- asleep at 8pm and up at 7:30am only waking once to nurse- so I started the day a little more well rested than normal.  There was no preschool for Jonathan so after delivering a meal to some friends with a new little one, we headed to the playground.  We met another friend with a toddler and a baby and spent some lovely time in the sunshine chasing little boys and laughing together about the insanity of taking care of two little ones at once.  Zoë slept.  We had a lovely lunch and then nap-time where both of the kids slept a glorious 2 hours at the same time.  I swept the floor, sorted some laundry, prepped food for dinner and still had time to sit and drink coffee in the quiet while working on my latest project. I could feel the stress that had built up behind my eyeballs quietly melting away all day.

I know there will be more stormy days.  Days where everything goes wrong.  Where I loose my temper, fail to roll with the punches, and am not the mother I want to be. But my hope is that as long as I do my best to demonstrate how much I love my little munchkins every day and try to model patience and joy, things will be ok.  The kisses and smiles will outweigh the times when I slip and loose my cool.  And with a few days like today thrown in the mix, it gives me hope that I will make it through the craziness of being a Mommy with enough sanity to tip the scales the right way.

remaining calm

The thing about parenting is that it consistently throws you into situations for which you are wholly unprepared but about which you now must act quickly and decisively for the well being of someone you love more than life itself.  And when you are staying home, the only job you have is to take care of these little ones.  So when something goes wrong, it isn't hard to blame yourself and feel like a failure.

For example, over the past week Jonathan has developed a stutter and started saying "dammit" with alarming frequency.  And Zoë has demonstrated that she is completely unwilling to drink from a bottle.  I am not a speech therapist or a psychologist and we never had a problem introducing Jonathan to the bottle.  I suspect that the stutter and the swearing are both related to the stress of the life changes that have recently befallen our little man- and that the best course of action is to remind him that swearing is rude, but to generally ignore them, pile on the TLC, and that this phase will naturally run its course.  But there is a little voice in my head telling me that stutters can be lifelong, debilitating conditions and that my improper handling of it now could ruin Jonathan's life.  I don't know what to do about the bottle issue, except to remain calm, warm, and loving, and to keep practicing and trying new bottles.  But the little voice in my head keeps telling me that if I don't get this figured out, Zoë will starve to death when I go back to work.

I think the trick is to hold the potential seriousness of situations in mind while remaining calm and taking everything with a grain of salt.  Yes, things need to be dealt with in a thoughtful manner with an eye to the future.  But everything is a phase.  And most things sort themselves out with time and patience.  Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

1 to 2

I am amazed at how fast the transition is from pregnant to mommy.  The few hours of labor and a 24 hour stay in the hospital and suddenly I am at home, a mother of two...

Yesterday I looked down at myself and found that I was sitting on the kitchen floor nursing a semi-fussy, squirmy Zoë in one hand while attempting to control the mess that was Jonathan discovering the feeling of squishing play-dough with his toes.  All I could think was "What have you gotten yourself into? This is going to be an entirely new level of chaos!"

But so far, the transition is going well.  Having my mom here is a god-send.

Between her and having Jim home on paternity leave last week, there has always been a free hand to give hugs, find snacks, and play with Jonathan while still rocking Zoë, cleaning up spit-up, and changing those ridiculously small diapers.

I still feel like there is a lot to learn about the logistics of how to do three things with two hands.  For example how to do bath time, or cook dinner, go to the grocery store, or wrangle two kiddos plus backpacks and lunch bags into preschool.  But while I'm sure there is a learning curve, I know we'll figure out a system that works.

My main concern about the transition from 1 child to 2 children was that Jonathan would feel replaced/ignored/neglected/jealous with the new little one needing so much and taking the attention from him.  Especially since he is something of a ham and has been quite a mommy's boy.  So I tried to prepare him for some of the changes ahead of time- that Mommy was going to have to go to the hospital for a few days to have the baby, that he could come visit us there, that sometimes babies cry, etc.  I brought a present for him with me to the hospital so he would associate it and the new baby with something nice.  I've been trying to phrase things so as to give him ownership of the baby- his sister, our baby, etc.  And I've been trying to go out of my way to notice what he is doing and give him attention even while I am taking care of Zoë.  And so far, so good.  He's had moments of jealousy (like when we went to church and were swarmed with people wanting to see the baby and not him), but mostly he is doing well.  He seems a touch more emotional and tired, but mostly he is is silly cheerful self- more interested in his ball-popper than in a sleeping baby.

But he has been so gentle and loving with her and so excited when she watches him play or he can comment on what she is doing.  Tonight he wanted to hold her and thought it was hilarious when she watched him play peek-a-boo with her.  He is a sweetheart and is going to be a great big brother!

We'll see what happens when some of the extra help goes away and 'real life' resumes!  But for now, as always, we are figuring it out one day at a time!

Zoë

This past weekend we finally welcomed Zoë Rebekah into our family!!  

The last year of waiting for her has been a tremendous one.  Just over a year ago we had our miscarriage and it rocked my world in a way I didn't know could be done.  Hope and life and came crashing down around me at a time when I was least expecting it.  And everything last fall and winter was tainted with the sense that something horrible and devistating could be lurking around every corner.  When we got pregnant again, I could barely let myself believe it.  I kept expecting the other shoe to drop.

But sitting here this morning with her napping on my lab while big brother is off to preschool, I am overwhelmed with the new joy and hope that has come into our lives.  We have the most beautiful perfect little baby girl I can imagine.  

 Zoë means life.  Not life like run of the mill, physical, "bios" life, but life like the infinite and grand phenomena of life.  

Life like the spirit of things new and fresh and full of wonder.  Life like joy and fullness and hope restored.  

Life like what sparkles in her eyes when she opens them and focuses on your face.  

Life like the gentle way she grips my finger when I put it in her hand.  Life like all of the sweet and the bitter parts mixed into a fierce torrent that sweeps you away.