fresh air

Today has been a welcome breath of fresh air and relaxation after a few rather stressful days.  Life with a newborn is always exhausting, but yesterday was a remarkably trying day.  She fussed all day.  Not outright screaming most of the time (though we had our share of that too), but that revving up to scream "eeh eeh eeeeeh" noise- like an engine turning over but not quite getting there.  Literally all day.  Jonathan was having one of his 'terrible twos' days where we were living on the edge (or careening over the edge) of a tantrum all day.  DH worked late; dinner was a chore; bedtime was a disaster.  They screamed; I screamed.  We all ended the day on a bad foot.

After they were both finally asleep, I remembered how sweet and wonderful they really are and I sat in the kitchen and cried thinking about all the ways I failed them during the day.  How I lost my temper when Zoë probably had a tummy ache all day.  How I shouldn't have yelled at Jonathan when he tripped over the bouncer and banged his head, accidentally kicking the baby on the way down.  How a better mother would have a little more patience than I exhibited today.  How I hoped they knew how much I desperately love them despite my behavior.  I went to bed not only feeling tired, but like I was the worst version of myself.

But today has been like a ray of sunshine.  Zoë had her best night of sleep yet- asleep at 8pm and up at 7:30am only waking once to nurse- so I started the day a little more well rested than normal.  There was no preschool for Jonathan so after delivering a meal to some friends with a new little one, we headed to the playground.  We met another friend with a toddler and a baby and spent some lovely time in the sunshine chasing little boys and laughing together about the insanity of taking care of two little ones at once.  Zoë slept.  We had a lovely lunch and then nap-time where both of the kids slept a glorious 2 hours at the same time.  I swept the floor, sorted some laundry, prepped food for dinner and still had time to sit and drink coffee in the quiet while working on my latest project. I could feel the stress that had built up behind my eyeballs quietly melting away all day.

I know there will be more stormy days.  Days where everything goes wrong.  Where I loose my temper, fail to roll with the punches, and am not the mother I want to be. But my hope is that as long as I do my best to demonstrate how much I love my little munchkins every day and try to model patience and joy, things will be ok.  The kisses and smiles will outweigh the times when I slip and loose my cool.  And with a few days like today thrown in the mix, it gives me hope that I will make it through the craziness of being a Mommy with enough sanity to tip the scales the right way.