frazzle

Lately I feel like I am struggling to get through each day in tact.  I consciously remind myself multiple times a day that I can only deal with the things on my plate today- tomorrow's stuff will have to wait.  There are not enough hours in the day or energy in my bones to tackle it all.  I am just a bit frazzled at all times.  I have the energy to follow the plan, but beyond that there isn't much gas in the engine.  Surprises and last minute decisions are really not something I handle with grace.  So two unplanned disasters of this afternoon have left me a little raw and unglued.

But somehow I got dinner on the table and the kids are in bed and I managed not to scream at anyone or break down in tears like I really wanted to.  It was finally quiet in our living room and I sat down to go through the mail.  Today we happened to get a glut of cataloges. I normally chuck them without a second glance but today the shiny pages sucked me in.   As I paged through the glossy images of perfect tans and care-free smiles I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I wanted desperately to be sucked into the world within those pages.  A world where I feel put together and, if not glamorous, at least clean and pressed- with no spit-up in my hair, or bags under my eyes, and an outfit that fits and doesn't have a half-chewed goldfish ground into my knees.  I want to be swept into a shiny house with fresh-cut flowers on the coffee table and where dog hair does not waft across the floor and where you do not trip over legos and jungle animals and baby rattles.

I know it is all an illusion- but wouldn't it be nice?  Except that I think I would miss the sleeping snuffling of the baby next to me when I slept.  And the noisy thump-thump-thump of toddler feet running through the house.  So for as rough as I feel tonight, I am glad I am here.  This crazy phase of my life will pass, and I will miss it.