not the week I'd imagined

This week was supposed to have been celebratory. Thursday we were supposed to go for our 10 week prenatal appointment. We were supposed to have an ultrasound and meet with our midwife. We were supposed to focus on happy baby planning. None of those things happened this week. Instead, I went in on Monday for an early ultrasound and found out I'd had a miscarriage. Instead I spend Wednesday having a D&C and sleeping it off.

So tonight instead of cooing over a grainy ultrasound picture and looking forward, I am drinking tea and feeling empty. My planning brain is no longer dreaming of double strollers and tiny onsies. Instead it is blankly staring into the unknown.

I feel differently that I thought I'd feel. I thought I would feel devastated as though I'd lost a child. I don't. I feel a diffuse sense of sadness and glum that I just can't shake. I feel like a hope and a dream died. I think I knew for the last few weeks that something wasn't right. I had been desperately hoping my heart was wrong. But it wasn't. When the doctor showed me the ultrasound image where there should have been a prune sized baby with heart thumping and there was only a still lentil sized blob, I wasn't surprised. It was as though I was suddenly able to acknowledge the grief that had been sitting like a weight in my chest that I'd been trying to blame on paranoia and to ignore.

I'm not fully sure what dealing with this will look like. I find myself tearing up at weird times and snapping at Jim for crazy reasons. But at least we can start to move forward.