I feel sort of like a deflated balloon. A lot of crappy stuff has happened this fall. In August a former student of mine was killed in a shooting. In September I went to the funeral of this dear young man who didn't make it to 23, but whose son was turning 1 in a week. Two weeks later I lost my baby. And now I just feel weighed down. I am putting one foot in front of the other, making it through every day. I am trying to relish every fleeting moment of Jonathan's one-year-oldness. But some more of life's shiny coating has worn off. I dislike this world where babies die and some people are never given a chance and where there is so much pain. There are things that genuinely make me smile and even laugh every day. But I am always conscious of a deep sadness lurking just behind my smile.
I am afraid. I am afraid I will sink back into my depression. I found a ziplock bag full of 4-year-old prozac in my desk drawer this week, and it made me cry. I don't want to head down that dark path again. I don't want to be depressed again. I don't want to be on meds again or in therapy again. Not that they were not wonderful things for me and things I for which am incredibly thankful and things I would do again in a heartbeat if I needed to. I just really don't want to be in a place where I do need them again.
I don't know where the line is between normal grieving and dealing with stress and needing help. I don't think I have crossed it. Yet. I still feel like myself, just feel like a deflated version. I guess time will tell.
Krista, I know how hard it is to accept such hard things as part of life. Remember that being deflated gives you the capacity to fill up again, even bigger next time. This too will pass; there are wonderful things for you up ahead, they are just behind the clouds right now. Let the experience of sorrow allow you to understand the pain that people around you are feeling - you have a great capacity for comforting, empathizing, and encouraging others. Sending my love!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted what you did and I'm glad I read your mom's response. Both sentiments need to be expressed. when i got home yesterday from the health fair, it was like i can help 265 students and teachers but can't help the ones i love or even myself. it takes a long time for my mood to become really down and just as long for it to go back up. but the going up has to be worked on where as the going down just happens with life. how can i use the day to day of life with more intention so i can go back up?
ReplyDeleteRachel, I think the trick is that we never know how much we help other people by the things we do. I know people have made a huge difference in my life (for good and bad) without knowing it at all. We won't ever know how much of a difference our caring for Chris made in his life. I think all we can do is to do the best we can with what is on our plate for each day. I haven't been a fan of the menu lately, but I keep telling myself that the only way out is forward so curling up in bed all day isn't an option. I miss you! Wanna come back to VA??
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