One of the many hard things about loosing someone you love is how it makes you close off your heart. I find myself consciously thinking things like "no, don't call that person, you don't want to get too close- it'll only hurt more when you inevitably have to say good-bye" or starting to make mental lists of friendships I could jettison to guard my heart against future loss. I am shocked that I consciously think these things! (I am scared to think about what is going on subconsciously). I think it would be really easy for me to start to wall myself off to guard my heart. It would feel good. It would feel safe. I would enjoy nestling into my pain and letting it poison my heart.
Every time I catch myself I have to talk me back from the edge and remember that all of those things that make it hard when you say goodbye are all of the exact same things that make life worth living in the first place. And that I believe life is worth living and that somehow, mysteriously, the joy outweighs the pain.
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