triple black diamond

Becoming a mother has been amazing and wonderful and has pushed me to grow in so many ways I never really imagined. I have learned so much and have become relatively accustomed to making split second decisions without really having a clue what the "right" thing is. But every once and a while I still find myself looking into the future and totally panicking. I suddenly feel like I am at the top of a triple black diamond looking down and wondering how I will make it down alive, but knowing there is no other option but down.

A few days ago it dawned on me that the days of simply smiling and cooing, snuggling away tears, and "you can't spoil a baby" are coming to an end. Jonathan now understands "no no" and when he heads for the dog's dish or an electrical cord does so with burst of speed in, what I can only imagine, is a race to get there before I redirect him. The world of discipline is terrifyingly unknown to me. Sure, I know some catch phrases, but I feel like I don't have a sense of an overall vision for what needs to be taught and I am clueless about child psychology. I know there are a million different philosophies of child-rearing, but I don't even know enough to know what they are. As a teacher I know how important it is to scaffold one lesson onto the next: It is crucial to know what skills students will need next month and next year in order to adequately lay the ground work now. And this is what scares me the most. I have NO CLUE about 2 year olds, 5 year olds, 10 year olds. So how will I prepare Jonathan?

Like all of these ledges I have faced so far, I am sure it will be OK somehow. I am sure there is a lot that will be more intuitive than I think it will, a lot that I will learn by error, and a lot more time and leeway than it seems right now. I just don't see how. I just really want to do this right because I love Jonathan so much that sometimes it makes it hard to breathe.