Tuesday, February 2, 2010
bedtime
I no longer take medication for my depression and I no longer see my therapist. And for the most part I am doing really well. Through the past few years I have struggled to be able to eliminate some really destructive thought patterns and develop more healthy ones to take their place. I have built the confidence to say what I need to say to stand up for myself and be honest to myself; I have learned to anticipate my needs and take them seriously before it is too late; I work on living in the now. But evenings are often really hard. I keep finding myself feeling really down as I get into bed. I can't shake the notion that I have squandered the day- 24 hours of my life are gone forever and I'm just not sure I've spent them well. I can never really pinpoint anything I would do differently, but I usually can't pinpoint any dramatic successes either. And so I can't shake this nagging suspicion that I am messing this thing up and I'll figure it out too late. In the morning this seems irrational, but at night it seems too true to shake completely.
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I've had feelings like this on-and-off for years at night, and when I tell my dad, he says, "everything's darker at night." I know it sounds really cheesey, but when I tell myself that, it helps remind me that it just seems dark right now. Tomorrow morning, nothing will be as dark as it is right now. It reminds me that my brain really does play tricks on me, and I don't have to believe it. Plus it makes me think of my dad, which is always a good thought :).
ReplyDeleteI can only guess that people who don't ever struggle with these feelings don't stop to think about big questions. We can feel very good and productive and goal-oriented by day, but even on the days when we "get it all done," how can we not wonder if it matters? What's the meaning of it all? Darkness and stillness have a way of revealing the big and scary questions that it would be easier to avoid.
ReplyDeleteOf course, meaning of life aside, we also live in a society that tells us certain kinds of accomplishments are all that matter. I struggled with mild depression during the first trimester of my first pregnancy partially because I felt so sick that I became incompetent by all measures I had ever used. This pregnancy I went in with the mental mantra -- even if all I am doing is growing a baby, that is not just enough, it is more important than all the other things people are telling me I should be doing. I suspect that as you try to be faithful as a mother, wife and teacher, the same is true of you: it is enough.