mundane

Today I had a rough day. I felt exhausted and alone. I kept going over my mental list of the things I was doing that were totally wearing me out: taking attendance, checking homework, changing another diaper, mixing rice cereal, picking up the stacking cups and trying to find the red one under the sofa, grading a test, buying dog food, mopping the floor (ok, not actually mopping, but feeling guilty that the floor was un-mopped). And then my brain would start making longer lists of all the things that I hadn't done yet. All mundane junk, nothing remarkable or worth feeling proud of. None of it seemed like it should wear me out like I was feeling worn out and none if it seemed like made that big of a deal...

At times like this a little voice is usually nagging at me in my head saying things like "the little things add up over time" and "Rome wasn't built in a day" and in general trying to get me back to my normal state of mind where I feel ok about my life. But I didn't quite believe the little voice today. So I was grasping at straws all day, desperate to feel like I mattered to someone. Desperate to see progress. Desperate to believe that what was consuming all of my energy mattered.

After work I went for a walk with a friend and our babies and the dog to a park. We played for a while and enjoyed the sunshine. I came home and ate good, fresh, food and tried to concentrate on the baby. And slowly I started to feel real and ok again. I want to enjoy life and live in the moment every day. But today was really hard.