funk

I have been in a funk all week. A lot of things are conspiring to make me feel bad in all sorts of ways. My husband thinks it is a sign of my progress in the mental health realm that I can identify the sources of my malcontent, but I think real progress would be to be able to move past them.

The first and most obvious stressor is that we are back to school. The first week back after a holiday always feels long and gruelling and I am in shock that work is this much work and that 5am comes as early as it does. But this week at school we have been focusing as a department on a new district policy of "credit recovery". Someone downtown has basically decided that it makes our numbers look bad when students fail classes and we are now moving towards a policy where it is unacceptable for teachers to issue failing grades. The plan is that any student who fails a class for any reason will have the opportunity to come in for 6 days after school, do some make-up work, retake some tests and then pass the class. The problem s that if you could do all that is required to pass a class in 6 after school sessions, why are the rest of us spending so much time in class from Sept-Jan? And why is the assumption of the district that teachers aren't compassionate and reasonable to be working with their students to help them pass all along? I feel totally devalued and disheartened by this new policy and it is making me hate my job this week. I know that what I do in the classroom day in and day out is valuable and I care about my students. And I have known for years that many of the people downtown don't share that perspective. But I am still feeling the sting of this new slap in the face this week.

The other stressor is that we started giving Jonathan formula on Sunday night. To some extent my internal reaction has been to feel like I am a failure at nursing- obviously I am not working hard enough at the whole nursing process and therefor a failure as a mother. I can see how irrational that is and I know that I have been successful with nursing for 8 months! But I still feel bad about it.

So at the end of the week I am feeling exhausted, devalued and like a failure. The exhaustion is totally reasonable. I just wish my brain could convince my heart not to feel the other two!