Jonathan was amazing and slept from 8pm until 9:30am today (getting up here and there to nurse, of course) And I slept the VAST majority of that time. So why oh why am I so tired?? I feel like I might just fall over and die at any moment. Maybe all of those less than ideal nights are catching up to me. Or maybe it is because it is cloudy out today...
Anyway, I was pulling up some of my summer annuals this afternoon so I can plant some lettuce and spinach soon. I moved one of my large pots that has been sitting in the same location all summer and there was an entire colony of ants living underneath. At first it totally grossed me out (what a hardened gardener I am that ants creep me out) but then I noticed that they were all wildly scrambling in that way only ants can do to move this huge pile of eggs out of danger now that the pot had been moved. Streams upon streams of ants each carrying one egg were darting away as fast as ant-ly possible. I started to be less grossed out and started to wonder if the ants had feelings toward their eggs and babies in the same way that we humans do. Did the ants in this colony feel about moving their eggs the way I would feel about getting Jonathan's stroller out of the middle of a busy road? So I moved the put back over the ant colony. Hopefully all of the mommy ants' panic will be relieved.
But now I can't shake the feeling that there are ants crawling on my legs- maybe I'll go take a shower!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
magic
Last night some friends of ours went into labor and they sent us pictures of the new baby today! I am so excited for them it makes me cry!! They are in the midst of such a magical time.
Bringing a brand new person into the world is an amazing and wonderful process!! Those precious hours of labor and first days are such a blur of excitement, disbelief, joy and wonder. This thing that you've been anticipating, but not quite believing, for the past 9 months; this thing that has happened to all mothers throughout all of time; this thing of faith and lore is happening to you. It is terrifying and wonderful and for all of its pain it is magical. And suddenly it is over and there is a tiny new life laying in your arms that somehow came from inside of you. Like in all of life's truly momentous events, time stands still and goes twice as fast all at once.
If I could relive one experience in my life, I think I would pick Jonathan's birth.
Bringing a brand new person into the world is an amazing and wonderful process!! Those precious hours of labor and first days are such a blur of excitement, disbelief, joy and wonder. This thing that you've been anticipating, but not quite believing, for the past 9 months; this thing that has happened to all mothers throughout all of time; this thing of faith and lore is happening to you. It is terrifying and wonderful and for all of its pain it is magical. And suddenly it is over and there is a tiny new life laying in your arms that somehow came from inside of you. Like in all of life's truly momentous events, time stands still and goes twice as fast all at once.
If I could relive one experience in my life, I think I would pick Jonathan's birth.
philosophy of sleep
Unfortunately Jonathan takes after his mommy when it comes to sleep...
I hate sleeping- deep down I believe that (a) it wastes precious moments of my life and (b) I will miss something fabulous that will happen while I am asleep. Jonathan seems to have adopted this philosophy in utero. It would be nicer for everyone (Jonathan included) if he had his dad's philosophy of sleep: that enjoying a nap or going to bed is akin to sitting down to a great meal- something to be treasured and enjoyed as often as possible. Alas.
I hate sleeping- deep down I believe that (a) it wastes precious moments of my life and (b) I will miss something fabulous that will happen while I am asleep. Jonathan seems to have adopted this philosophy in utero. It would be nicer for everyone (Jonathan included) if he had his dad's philosophy of sleep: that enjoying a nap or going to bed is akin to sitting down to a great meal- something to be treasured and enjoyed as often as possible. Alas.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
last day of summer
I can't believe how fast the summer has gone! Or that I have an (almost) 4 month old baby! (Seriously- where did he come from?!?) Crazy! Last year at this point I didn't even know I was pregnant.
Summer is like this great pause button in my life. I get a few months to relax and recuperate and to reflect on my life over the past year. I get to visit friend and family and work on hobbies- all that stuff that never quite fits into regularly scheduled life. And while I'm sad that it is almost over and I'll be starting the rat race of my "real" life over again, I think it will be good for me. Good for me to get up and go on a schedule. Good for me to have some purpose that lets me define me for me (instead of in relation to some boy). Good for me to get out of the house. Good for me to have a creative outlet. Good for me to reconnect with my friends at school. And good because it helps me remember to treasure these "lazy" days of summer!
Summer is like this great pause button in my life. I get a few months to relax and recuperate and to reflect on my life over the past year. I get to visit friend and family and work on hobbies- all that stuff that never quite fits into regularly scheduled life. And while I'm sad that it is almost over and I'll be starting the rat race of my "real" life over again, I think it will be good for me. Good for me to get up and go on a schedule. Good for me to have some purpose that lets me define me for me (instead of in relation to some boy). Good for me to get out of the house. Good for me to have a creative outlet. Good for me to reconnect with my friends at school. And good because it helps me remember to treasure these "lazy" days of summer!
Monday, August 24, 2009
our hovel
We have this amazing contractor friend, Philip, who has done some work on our house. He is truly wonderful- does great work, on time, is super friendly and reliable and just wonderful. For example Jim mentioned to him today that we were noticing a mildew smell coming out of our vents. And within 3 hours Philip was at our door to check it out. Amazing. Wonderful. But now as he is leaving, I feel like a total wreck.
First of all, I was still in my pajamas and in the middle of nursing Jonathan when he came to the door. So I'm already feeling self-conscious. But then we go around back to get to the crawlspace and of course to get through the halfway painted fence we go through the gate that is held shut with a bungee cord because I haven't fixed the latch that broke last winter. And of course after the crawlspace, he wants to check out the actual smell coming from the vents- one of which is under our front windows that leaked about 2 years ago messing up the plaster and paint in a big area between the windows and floor. The leak has been fixed, but since the area is behind the sofa the wall itself hasn't been fixed. It looks terrible. But of course he wants to pull the sofa out so he can smell that vent. After checking it all out, I show him out through the front door where the storm door came off of its hinges and blew into the front railing the week we moved in (4 years ago) knocking the railing off and into the garden. Neither have been fixed.
As he is leaving, he asks if we've decided yet on what kind of new gutters we want (he gave us some quotes a few months ago). Except that isn't what he says. What he says is "Have you guys decided about taking down that rooftop garden yet?" Referencing, of course, the multitude of plants that sprouted and are now well established residents of our current gutters. Honestly one of them is over 2 feet tall.
In general I don't think of our home as being in such disrepair. But when I start putting all of that stuff together... I'm sure Philip thinks that I am a total wreck. It is like having Martha Stewart come over for dinner and serving take-out chinease. That is certainly how I feel as I watch his pickup truck pull away from our dirty little hovel. None of these things would take much effort to fix- 15 minutes with the power drill and the latch to the gate would be good as new. 45 minutes, a bit of drywall mud, and a can of Kilz would take care of most of the problem with the water damaged plaster. 2 hours and the fence would be all the same color. But none of them are done. I am, after all, the queen of half-finished projects. The problem is that once I can see the end of a project, my brain starts planning the next one and that is so much more exciting than finishing the last details of the current one. FOCUS, woman, FOCUS!!
First of all, I was still in my pajamas and in the middle of nursing Jonathan when he came to the door. So I'm already feeling self-conscious. But then we go around back to get to the crawlspace and of course to get through the halfway painted fence we go through the gate that is held shut with a bungee cord because I haven't fixed the latch that broke last winter. And of course after the crawlspace, he wants to check out the actual smell coming from the vents- one of which is under our front windows that leaked about 2 years ago messing up the plaster and paint in a big area between the windows and floor. The leak has been fixed, but since the area is behind the sofa the wall itself hasn't been fixed. It looks terrible. But of course he wants to pull the sofa out so he can smell that vent. After checking it all out, I show him out through the front door where the storm door came off of its hinges and blew into the front railing the week we moved in (4 years ago) knocking the railing off and into the garden. Neither have been fixed.
As he is leaving, he asks if we've decided yet on what kind of new gutters we want (he gave us some quotes a few months ago). Except that isn't what he says. What he says is "Have you guys decided about taking down that rooftop garden yet?" Referencing, of course, the multitude of plants that sprouted and are now well established residents of our current gutters. Honestly one of them is over 2 feet tall.
In general I don't think of our home as being in such disrepair. But when I start putting all of that stuff together... I'm sure Philip thinks that I am a total wreck. It is like having Martha Stewart come over for dinner and serving take-out chinease. That is certainly how I feel as I watch his pickup truck pull away from our dirty little hovel. None of these things would take much effort to fix- 15 minutes with the power drill and the latch to the gate would be good as new. 45 minutes, a bit of drywall mud, and a can of Kilz would take care of most of the problem with the water damaged plaster. 2 hours and the fence would be all the same color. But none of them are done. I am, after all, the queen of half-finished projects. The problem is that once I can see the end of a project, my brain starts planning the next one and that is so much more exciting than finishing the last details of the current one. FOCUS, woman, FOCUS!!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
reminder
Jonathan reminded me today about all the reasons for not liking babies. He spent most of the afternoon incensed about being too tired. I spent most of the afternoon rocking, singing, cuddling, nursing him in vain attempts to put him to sleep. My baby the insomniac. Both of us were awake, both tired to the point of tears and no one able to sleep. I was could not think of one positive thing about babies.
Eventually he calmed down enough for his bath- which he enjoyed- and just now I nursed him and he got all sleepy and cuddly and warm. He looked up at me with that adoring smile and those precious eyes and my heart instantly melted. He tucked his legs up into a ball and nuzzled his head into my shoulder and I remembered how much I love him even when he makes me crazy.
Eventually he calmed down enough for his bath- which he enjoyed- and just now I nursed him and he got all sleepy and cuddly and warm. He looked up at me with that adoring smile and those precious eyes and my heart instantly melted. He tucked his legs up into a ball and nuzzled his head into my shoulder and I remembered how much I love him even when he makes me crazy.
tummy time
Almost too cute for words...
"Tummy-time" is going much better lately!! Lots more smiles and much less screaming! Watching Jonathan on his stomach lately you can't help but get the idea that he feels like he has a great deal more control on his tummy- like he sees the potential for self mobility. Yesterday, actually Jonathan turned over from his front to his back several times in a row with great delight. Today, though, he doesn't seem to remember how.
"Tummy-time" is going much better lately!! Lots more smiles and much less screaming! Watching Jonathan on his stomach lately you can't help but get the idea that he feels like he has a great deal more control on his tummy- like he sees the potential for self mobility. Yesterday, actually Jonathan turned over from his front to his back several times in a row with great delight. Today, though, he doesn't seem to remember how.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
crib bars
Jonathan seems to have an almost gravity like attraction to the bars of his crib. I don't really understand how someone who is so helpless in all other ways can move around quite as much as he does in his sleep. I certainly can't scoot myself around while flat on my back nearly as well as he can. Actually he sleeps more on his side lately (which is adorable). But anyway, he manages to get himself maneuvered from the middle of his nice big crib to the very edge (often rotating 90 degrees or more) so that his legs are hanging out of the crib bars or his face is smashed up against the bars in a manner that he finds greatly upsetting.
Here you can see him with one foot already inching its way out of the crib...
Is preventing this sort of dilemma and its ensuing drama the purpose of crib bumpers?? Possibly, but judging from his crib antics thus far I'm pretty sure Jonathan would be the kind of baby who gets himself wedged dangerously between the bumper and the bars. Alas, what is a mother to do but go and rescue her screaming son several times a night...
Here you can see him with one foot already inching its way out of the crib...
Is preventing this sort of dilemma and its ensuing drama the purpose of crib bumpers?? Possibly, but judging from his crib antics thus far I'm pretty sure Jonathan would be the kind of baby who gets himself wedged dangerously between the bumper and the bars. Alas, what is a mother to do but go and rescue her screaming son several times a night...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
back to school shopping
Well I think I have just finished my back-to-school shopping. It is amazing how fast $200 goes on stuff like paperclips, sticky-notes, and file folders- all that stuff you need and just take for granted. I went shopping alone this year (aside from Jonathan who is not a great back-to-school motivator). And maybe because I went on a weekday morning, but it just felt lonely.
I used to go back-to-school shopping with my friend Rachel until she moved away. She is an amazing motivator. She really is just wonderful. One of those people with excitement toward life and its adventures and contagious optimism. She always has great new plans and hopes for the new year. I need her spirit this year because my optimism is tainted with a sense of impending dread. Dread that with 5 preps my plate will be too full for me to enjoy teaching. Dread that boundaries will be harder to draw and a choice for the very important will mean a choice against the important. Dread that I will end each day with a feeling that I did too much not well enough.
This year the smell of new pencils and expo markers will be mixed up with the absence of the smell of slightly sour milk and soft baby skin...
I used to go back-to-school shopping with my friend Rachel until she moved away. She is an amazing motivator. She really is just wonderful. One of those people with excitement toward life and its adventures and contagious optimism. She always has great new plans and hopes for the new year. I need her spirit this year because my optimism is tainted with a sense of impending dread. Dread that with 5 preps my plate will be too full for me to enjoy teaching. Dread that boundaries will be harder to draw and a choice for the very important will mean a choice against the important. Dread that I will end each day with a feeling that I did too much not well enough.
This year the smell of new pencils and expo markers will be mixed up with the absence of the smell of slightly sour milk and soft baby skin...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
sleep??
What happened? A few weeks ago, Jonathan was sleeping beautifully- 7 hour stretches between feedings and for a total of like 11 hours. Now he has totally reverted and last night, for example, he was up every 3 hours to eat! He (thankfully) still stayed in bed for 10 hours or so, but it was a lot less restful for mommy! What am I going to do if this continues when I go back to work??
Monday, August 17, 2009
crib
I just put Jonathan to bed in his crib upstairs for the first time. I kind of want to cry. During the first week he was home and he was "sleeping" in our room I thought sharing a room was quite possibly the worst idea ever and assumed that he would be upstairs within a month- maximum. But over the past three and a half months I have come to love having him in our room and sometimes (don't tell his pediatrician) in our bed. It seems so safe and cozy and together. And I don't mind waking up so much anymore (now that I'm not doing it quite so many times per night). Right now the baby monitor is up to full volume and I'm sure I will be too paranoid to sleep tonight. I feel like I am throwing our baby to the wolves!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
ignorance
I started off this whole "mommy" business without knowing the first thing about babies. I could tell a baby from a bowling-ball, but just barely. If you had asked me 4 months ago to describe a baby, I would have assumed that a baby mostly ate, slept and laid around passively growing. Now I still don't know much about babies in general, but that most certainly does not describe Jonathan. Okay- he does a lot of eating. But he fights sleep like the plague and when he is awake he is in constant motion. It is amazing. You can see his mind working all the time as he concentrates on how to move his arms the way he wants them to go or how to make his mouth mimic the noises you are making. He uses every moment of the day to explore his surroundings. Who knew babies were so interactive?!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
feet
Jonathan has figured out that he has feet! Right now he is sitting on his playmat chewing on his fists and intently staring at his feet as he kicks and grabs at a dangling rattle with his toes. He looks so pleased with himself!
Imagine how great that would be. To suddenly realize that you had this whole new appendage with which to explore the world! Being a baby must be terribly exciting!
Imagine how great that would be. To suddenly realize that you had this whole new appendage with which to explore the world! Being a baby must be terribly exciting!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
tired
I feel so tired I might die. Every day around 2 or 3pm I am hit with a bout of tiredness. But some days it is unbelievably intense. And it always hits right as Jonathan is waking up from a nap. When he is falling asleep I feel fine, normal, good- relieved to be able to finally do something besides entertain a baby. Grrr....
Monday, August 10, 2009
I have less than 3 weeks left of summer break. And the thought of leaving Jonathan when I go back to work makes me feel sick to my stomach today. I still think it is the right decision. But I hate it. The longest I have gone without being in the same room with him since he was born is 5 hours. How will I survive seeing him only a few hours a day after work and before bed?
Friday, August 7, 2009
grandparents
The best thing about visiting grandparents is how much they love Jonathan and how they are able to appreciate all of the great things about him without the worry that accompanies mommyhood. Watching them watch Jonathan make all of his smiles seem sweeter, his antics cuter, and his screaming wonderful. It makes me love being Jonathan's mommy even more! Thanks Gramma and Grampa!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
dread
Last night in Minnesota.
I'm scared to go back to Norfolk. It has been so nice to be here with my parents! Seeing their excitement and love for Jonathan makes me appreciate all of the wonderful things about having a baby more and makes the hard stuff more bearable.
And I am dreading flying. And nervous about finding and picking up the car Jim left in the long term garage at the airport. I am dreading feeling alone in Norfolk. Jim doesn't get back until late Monday.
I just need to take it one day (or hour or minute) at a time. I can handle now if I am not senselessly worrying about things I can't control. But I am having that gut-wrenching hopeless feeling of dread that makes me want to curl up and cry.
Maybe some tea and meditation will help...
I'm scared to go back to Norfolk. It has been so nice to be here with my parents! Seeing their excitement and love for Jonathan makes me appreciate all of the wonderful things about having a baby more and makes the hard stuff more bearable.
And I am dreading flying. And nervous about finding and picking up the car Jim left in the long term garage at the airport. I am dreading feeling alone in Norfolk. Jim doesn't get back until late Monday.
I just need to take it one day (or hour or minute) at a time. I can handle now if I am not senselessly worrying about things I can't control. But I am having that gut-wrenching hopeless feeling of dread that makes me want to curl up and cry.
Maybe some tea and meditation will help...
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
thrashing
Tonight as he was falling asleep, Jonathan did his thrashing routine again. It is hilarious!!
My mom layed him down in his bassinette and almost immediately he started thrashing his head back and forth violently. He would look left, right, left, right, then pause and smile, then back to left, right, left right... And then his legs get into the act and he would lift them both staight up into the air and then let them fall back to the bed. His eyes are closed this entire time as he is thrashing about like a wild man, pausing every so often with that amazing simle of his. And then, suddenly, he stopped, sighed contentedly and layed very still breathing deeply and sleeping like a baby!
My mom layed him down in his bassinette and almost immediately he started thrashing his head back and forth violently. He would look left, right, left, right, then pause and smile, then back to left, right, left right... And then his legs get into the act and he would lift them both staight up into the air and then let them fall back to the bed. His eyes are closed this entire time as he is thrashing about like a wild man, pausing every so often with that amazing simle of his. And then, suddenly, he stopped, sighed contentedly and layed very still breathing deeply and sleeping like a baby!
Monday, August 3, 2009
now
Today I am panicking. I keep dwelling on the fact that Jonathan will grow up. On one hand I feel OK about that- I am excited to see who he becomes and I like to think that I will have some positive influence on that. And I think I feel OK about the notion that to a large extent a Mom's job is to let go little by little. He is already much more independent than he was 4 months ago and every phase from here on out is meant for him to grow into more and more independence. I know that. And on most days I am OK with it.
But there is a part of me that looks at children and thinks "I don't know the first thing about a 10 month old/ 2 year old/ 5 year old/ etc. This will never work out." And that part of me wants to quit now before my ineptitude is obvious to everyone. I need to keep reminding myself that 3 months ago I didn't know the first thing about 3 month olds. And things are going great. I just take it one day at a time- do the best that I can and enjoy NOW without dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
It almost always comes back to that with me- living in the now and choosing to be happy. I hope those are things I can teach Jonathan so he doesn't have to spend so much energy struggling with them the way his mommy does!!
But there is a part of me that looks at children and thinks "I don't know the first thing about a 10 month old/ 2 year old/ 5 year old/ etc. This will never work out." And that part of me wants to quit now before my ineptitude is obvious to everyone. I need to keep reminding myself that 3 months ago I didn't know the first thing about 3 month olds. And things are going great. I just take it one day at a time- do the best that I can and enjoy NOW without dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
It almost always comes back to that with me- living in the now and choosing to be happy. I hope those are things I can teach Jonathan so he doesn't have to spend so much energy struggling with them the way his mommy does!!
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