working mommy?

It recently occurred to me that I am a working mom. I know that sounds odd, because I go to work every day and then pick up my son from preschool. But it only recently started to set in that I am really a mother for keeps. I sort of had this idea that I was normal me who had decided to take on a challenge of keeping a baby for a year. But between all of the reflecting and celebrating milestones recently with my birthday, Mother's Day and Jonathan's birthday I am starting to catch on. (I guess I am a slow learner).

Anyway- the point is that I am a working mom by choice and I'm not sure I like that about me. My mom stayed home with us growing up and I guess I internalized the idea that that is the right way to do things. Sure some people can't financially and that is sad- but the BEST way to do a family is if Mommy is at home. I also grew up totally believing that I could and should do anything I wanted to and not limit myself because I am a woman. I should have a career and be smart and cook and clean and sew and raise babies.

So now both of those ideas are constantly at war in my psyche and I am not sure I can hear what the real me is saying underneath. I like being a teacher. I like physics. But I love Jonathan so much it hurts. He is doing great at preschool and is thriving. I love his teachers and think it is a great experience for him. But I wonder if I will regret my decision. Will I look back at these years and wish I had been there more? Or would I be unhappy at home all day? I don't know. And I don't know if staying home is a realistic option for us anyway. But I think thinking about it and at least knowing what I want (and not just what the voices in my head tell me I want) is probably a healthy idea.