in over my head

The past few days I have had an overwhelming sense that I am in over my head with this whole parenting thing. I find myself feeling like I used to feel on the RARE occasions when I babysat in high school, where I kept thinking "Holy cow, why did anyone leave ME in charge here?!? I don't know what is going on. Thank God the real parents are coming home in 2 hours". Only now this feeling is followed by the realization that I am the real parent. No one is in charge of Jonathan more than me. And that is terrifying.

Between the walking, eating real food, (attempting) to switch to a sippy cup, and talking that is real communication Jonathan is seeming less like a baby and more like a toddler and the changes have happened FAST. He now walks more than he crawls, and turns up his nose at baby food. He can express (a lot of) his wants and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I guess my brain and emotions are reeling to keep up with the changes and figure out how to make life work smoothly when dinner means more than popping open a jar of sweet potato goo and decisions feel less like well informed choices and more like wild guesses in the dark. I'm sure things will even out in a few weeks and we will have habits and patterns that work, but this week I am still in adjustment mode and it is hard on my poor brain. But at least he is still cute!

makes me laugh

Lately Jonathan has shown a lot of interest in learning how to use as spoon. The past couple of nights at dinner he has grabbed his baby spoon and proceeded to set it up on his highchair tray. He then picks up a single piece of sandwich or fruit, places it delicately in the cup of the spoon, and carefully pick up the spoon and balance it all the way to his mouth. As soon as he successfully reaches his mouth he grins with accomplishment and looks up to see if we noticed. He is so
cute I can't stand it.

jinxed

As soon as I finished the previous post about how Jonathan's first steps had gone, I knew it was a mistake. It was like when Jim used to say things like "Gee, he hasn't spit up in a long time". These sort of statements are just thumbing your nose at fate. So since Thursday, Jonathan has pretty much come apart at the seams. He tries to be happy, but even when he is in a good mood, any little thing can push him over the edge. He drops a toy and collapses in sobs on the floor; you redirect him away from playing with an electrical cord and it is the end of the world. Heaven forbid he is hungry or tired on top of it all. Tantrum after tantrum has left me feeling a bit frazzled at the end of the day. Amazing what being screamed at by a 19 lb person can do to your psyche.

But Jonathan is making great progress on the walking front! And despite the screaming I'm excited to watch him master this skill! (Babies are amazing.) So here's to hoping that success helps calm him down a bit..

first steps!

Jonathan has begun taking his first real all by himself steps this week!! And I have to say it isn't really how I pictured it. In my mind I envisioned a tentative tot reaching from the edge of a sofa, pausing deliberately and then walk/falling towards a beaming parent with outstretched arms. I pictured him full of excitement and glee about his new skill and accomplishment. From all of the books I was prepared for nights of restless sleeping and increased fussiness because of his frustration about not walking well.

But I guess life never goes like we imagine it will. Jonathan's first steps have not been tentative and calculated. They have seemed almost accidental and unnoticed. One minute he is cruising around the coffee table, the next he is confidently charging away towards his dump-truck. Two steps later he is on his face on the floor unfazed and then immediately off crawling towards his toy like nothing happened. I am excited and clap and cheer, and he looks around to see what he missed. He is sleeping fine, eating better than ever, and still fusses only when something is wrong. So much for expectations!

12 months and transitions

12 month stats:

height: 29 3/4 inches (50th percentile)

weight: 19lbs 5oz (5th percentile)

I think one of the things that is hardest (for me) about Jonathan is that it seems that babies are always in a state of transition. Bassinet to crib; nursing to formula; 3 naps to 2; rolling to crawling to cruising to walking; bottles to baby food to finger food; etc. Just when I think I have a handle on our routine or how to do something, it all changes. Our latest change is from bottle to sippy-cup.

Jonathan is good at managing the sippy-cup. He knows how to drink from it and will drink 5 full ounces at a time of water. When you fill it with milk or formula it is a different story. He pulls it out of his mouth and his eyes look at you like you have fundamentally betrayed him while he contorts the rest of his face to express that this is the worst tasting crap that has ever entered his mouth and lets all of the milk run out of his mouth onto the bib. But yesterday we decided that like it or not, we were transitioning to the sippy-cup cold turkey. Good-bye bottles.

I'm serving milk only at meals and coaxing him into drinking a sip or two. Between times we've giving him water so that he doesn't dehydrate himself in his refusal to drink. But yesterday we estimated that he drank a total of about 3 ounces of milk (compared to 16-20 he had been having from his bottle). I'm serving yoghurt and cheese in hopes of still getting enough calcium and protein into his little skinny self.

This is only day 2 of this transition- so it is the hardest part for me. Wondering/worrying which way things will go from here? Will he learn to tolerate the taste of milk from a cup?When? Will I be tempted to resort to serving chocolate milk (as I swore I would never do)? Will he end up malnourished and having osteoporosis by age 2? What should I be doing to fix this situation now?

working mommy?

It recently occurred to me that I am a working mom. I know that sounds odd, because I go to work every day and then pick up my son from preschool. But it only recently started to set in that I am really a mother for keeps. I sort of had this idea that I was normal me who had decided to take on a challenge of keeping a baby for a year. But between all of the reflecting and celebrating milestones recently with my birthday, Mother's Day and Jonathan's birthday I am starting to catch on. (I guess I am a slow learner).

Anyway- the point is that I am a working mom by choice and I'm not sure I like that about me. My mom stayed home with us growing up and I guess I internalized the idea that that is the right way to do things. Sure some people can't financially and that is sad- but the BEST way to do a family is if Mommy is at home. I also grew up totally believing that I could and should do anything I wanted to and not limit myself because I am a woman. I should have a career and be smart and cook and clean and sew and raise babies.

So now both of those ideas are constantly at war in my psyche and I am not sure I can hear what the real me is saying underneath. I like being a teacher. I like physics. But I love Jonathan so much it hurts. He is doing great at preschool and is thriving. I love his teachers and think it is a great experience for him. But I wonder if I will regret my decision. Will I look back at these years and wish I had been there more? Or would I be unhappy at home all day? I don't know. And I don't know if staying home is a realistic option for us anyway. But I think thinking about it and at least knowing what I want (and not just what the voices in my head tell me I want) is probably a healthy idea.

1st Birthday Party

Jonathan was a bit edgy most of the day. And, though having company cheered him up somewhat, he had his moments

But he was able to hold it together most of the time

There were presents to be opened (and packaging to be tasted),

toys to be played with,

and dinner, muffins, and party horns to be enjoyed.

Happy Birthday Little Jonathan! We had a great time!

Being Mother's Day and the day after Jonathan's 1st birthday seems like an appropriate day to reflect and rejoice in all that has happened in the past year. But with a SUPER cranky baby today, I don't feel all squishy and happy and reflective. I just feel annoyed. After a very edgy, super mercurial morning Baby J is down for his 'afternoon' nap early (can you call it an afternoon nap at 11:30?) and based on this morning, I am not optimistic about the rest of the day. My mind imagines his first birthday party going down in a screaming crying mess and I just want to crawl back under the covers and start the day over again. Not true. What I really want is to not have 9 stitches on my thumb so that I can do normal and necessary things like washing the mess of dishes in the sink and shampooing my hair. Grrr. Happy Mothers Day to me.

overwhelmed

Today I feel overwhelmed with being a mommy. Jonathan's birthday is tomorrow and I'm sure that part of my issue is that I have all sorts of crazy conflicting emotions about him turning one. On one hand I feel like this past year has been a huge success despite my amazing ignorance. On the other hand, I feel like the infant stage was probably the easiest and I feel totally unprepared for what comes next. For instance: How do I feed a baby who is starting to spurn baby food but is woefully lacking in the teeth department? I feel like I passed the "baby" exam. But toddlerhood comes next and I have no idea what is even on this test! I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that I have felt this way about every new stage and development so far. Like most things in life this will just take patience, hard-work, some trial and error, and a good sense of humor.

peek-a-boo