back to school

So I am back to school this week. The kids aren't here yet, but teachers are back doing lesson plans, setting up desks, and attending endless meetings. This end of summer transition is always really really hard for me. This time of year is a stark reminder for me that I cannot do it all. I grew up firmly believing that I was capable of anything- that nothing I put my mind to was too hard or beyond my reach. That belief has inspired me to do things about which I am immensely proud- run a marathon, major in physics, etc. But what I have a hard time with is the idea that I cannot have or be all things all at once. That once I've made a choice, it closes other doors. That I cannot, for example, work a full time job and be a stay at home Mommy. And that is really really hard for me.

To my mind, the summer is this amazing time where I get to be Mommy full time, while still maintaining my identity as an independent, career woman. But then Fall hits and I am actually back to working and the illusion of having it all comes down around my ears. I start to question everything about my life choices and feel like I am failing on all fronts. Failing at spending those precious moments playing trains and chase and reading stories. Failing at going the extra mile for all of my students. I suddenly feel like the balance I strike makes me mediocre at everything.

For the past two years once we've gotten into the groove of the year, I see how great it is for Jonathan to be in school. And I see how great it is for me to have a career that is mine and that I really do love. And I see how OK the balance actually is. And I start to feel good about my choices again. But this year, I don't think that groove will be as easy to find. It is hard to see a vision for a school year when I don't know if I will be out on maternity leave starting tomorrow, next week, or three weeks from now. And once the baby comes... well life with a newborn is anything but "settled". So hopefully I will find some way to relax into the tension that is my current life. For now I'm taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to extend myself a little extra grace.

37 weeks

So as my weekly pregnancy update email has reminded me, starting this weekend I am officially "full term"! And what could be better timing wise than to have a hurricane bearing down on us this weekend? Perfect. At least the hospital is only one mile away- even if the streets remain impassible for weeks, I could still probably make it there walking. (Or perhaps DH could push me in the jogging stroller). I guess life is nothing if not an adventure!

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy

Jonathan has been amazing me lately with how his imagination is getting more and more extensive. A few days ago he was playing with his toy fishing rod on the sofa. He had arranged all of his fish on the floor beneath him and was laying on the sofa attempting to catch them with his toy fishing rod/hook.

When he had caught them all, he announced that he needed to cook them. Something along the lines of "I need to take the fish home to bake. Mommy! Get me a pan!" So I obliged and next thing I knew he had his cutting food out and was cutting up carrots and tomatoes to put in the pan along with the fish. I asked if he needed anything else for the soup and he said "Umm, I think it needs some spices".

He stirred it and cooked it and kept tasting it and adding more chili powder until he announced that it was ready and we needed some bowls. He carefully poured it into bowls and gave one to me and then "ate" one himself.

I loved that he had worked out the whole scene from catching the fish to cooking them to serving the soup in bowls with virtually no input from me!

books- how novel

Jonathan has been on a book craze over the past week or so. Every day at some point the ONLY thing he wants to do is sit and read book after book after book. Yesterday we probably read 15-20 books in a row (some of them multiple times) before he lost interest. It has been so much fun not only to hear how he talks about the characters and plots and what he sees as we read, but also how it pops up in his conversation later in the day. Little phrases like "that was a big success" or "in the whole wide world" that wouldn't normally be part of a 2 year old vocabulary come popping out of his mouth and make me laugh. I love that something so simple and so cozy can be such a powerful tool in expanding his world. Here are a few of our favorites this week:

I picked One Yellow Lion up at a consignment sale. It is a pretty basic counting book, but something about the fold out pages and ways the animals interact on the last page has made this a favorite for a long time.

We picked out Flap Your Wings at the library on our last run because we have loved PD Eastman so much in the past (Go Dog Go! is amazing). Jonathan loves to be "surprised" at the alligator popping out of the egg every time we read it. He also loves the idea that the alligator is growing bigger and bigger and bigger just like him!

While the rhyme scheme in Dinosaurumpus isn't Tony Mitton's best (I think everyone in our house can sing all the words to his Airplanes book), the actions and the cute dinosaurs are great. Perfect for a kiddo who is starting to fall in love with dinos, but likes them to all be "the friendly ones".

I don't remember how An Island in the Sun came to be on our bookshelf, but it has fun, quirky artwork (including a boy with blue hair and a polka-dot dog) that is whimsical and fun. The rhyme is catchy and builds page by page. Jonathan loves that the dog is waiting for the boy and that they go fishing "till the end of the day".

I am also rediscovering the joy of books. I finished a book about a month ago, and have been putting off figuring out what to read next because I am awful at picking out books. But with my pregnancy insomnia flaring up again, I needed something to get me out of my own brain and to occupy me from 11pm-3am (instead of just roaming the house snacking). I never quite know how to pick out a new novel, but I braved the used book store down the street and came home with three: Blue Shoe by Anne Lamotte, Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver, and The Piano Teacher by Janice Lee. I just started Blue Shoe and love it. It is so peaceful to sit and read in the middle of the night with a cup of tea. Almost peaceful enough to put me to sleep. Almost. But not quite.