Birth Story

So its been almost three weeks since Zoe was born  and I am hoping that gives me a good balance between remembering her labor and delivery with some accuracy and having enough oxytocin built up in my system to have taken the harshest edges off my memories.  So here goes...

Since it didn't result in a baby being born it wasn't true labor, but contractions began on Labor Day (Sept. 5).  Strong enough and regular enough that I called my parents and was fully expecting to see our little princess that day.  But she had other ideas.  The contractions subsided somewhat, from every 10 min to 1 or 2 per hour for the next two weeks.  Occasionally they would pick up again- every 10 min for an hour or two- and we would wonder, "Is this it?!?"  But no. School started for me and life went on as normal, or as close to it as you can get when you are fully expecting your water might break at any moment.

I had my 39 week check-up on the 16th.  I told the midwife I was sick and tired of pregnancy and really wanted to get things started, so she swept my membranes during the exam.  I left telling her I hoped I would see her later that evening.  And sure enough, contractions started again by dinnertime.  We put Jonathan to bed and waited.  They were getting closer and stronger and I was knew that this time was it.  My mom booked a flight.  Jim's parents were on red alert for coming over to watch Jonathan when we decided it was time to go.  Around 9pm we went to bed, hoping to get a few hours of rest before things really got moving.  Around 1:30am I woke up with enough discomfort that I wasn't able to sleep.  Jim's parents came around 2:30 and we watched The Office for a few hours.  At 6am we decided it was really time to go, so we headed to the hospital.

The midwife measured me at 4cm when we arrived.  We did laps around L&D until 10am when they remeasured me to be at 5cm.  And at that point I decided to quit; 4 hours per 1cm was not going to be an acceptable pace. I was exhausted- tired of the tease that my body had been giving me for the past two weeks.  I realized that I hadn't really come to the hospital mentally prepared for what lay ahead.  With Jonathan I was pumped- this was it and I was ready to take on childbirth and do it drug free.  This time I was tired.  Tired from being up since 1:30am, tired of being pregnant, tired of contractions, tired of waiting, tired of thinking "maybe this is it" and being wrong, tired of the anticipation.

So when Nell, the midwife, said she thought she should break my water to get labor back on track, I knew I needed to say yes.  I knew that breaking my water would mean a sure path forward in this process.   But it would also mean I would be facing a new level of pain and require a mental fortitude I wasn't sure I had.  What I really wanted to do was say 'forget it, I quit', but quitting isn't really an option during labor.  So I took a deep breath and said yes.

Nell broke my water and almost instantly I hit transition- hard.  My contractions went from taking my breath away to making me scream. I had forgotten that feeling.  The one that you are being pulled apart from the inside.  The kind of pain that removes all capacity for rational thought and modesty.  I got in the birthing tub and that helped, a little.  And after about an hour, I was at 10cm and ready to push.

Because there had been meconium in the amniotic fluid, the pediatrician and nursery nurse were in the room as soon as I started pushing and wanted to get Zoe out fast (a mutual goal).  With Jonathan pushing had been terrible; every push felt like horrible ripping pain.  But this time it felt right; it felt like this was what my body needed to be doing.  I could focus on pushing with each breath instead of the pain of each contraction. I pushed for about 20 minutes and then Nell said that since Zoe's heart rate was going down during the contractions, I needed to get her out in the next 2 pushes or she was going to do an episiotomy.  That did it for me.  Her head was out on the next push. And I was done.  I saw Zoe laying on the bed next to me, umbilical cord still connecting us and I cried.  I cried with relief that I was done.  I cried for joy as I felt my heart expand.  I cried with the wonderful and terrible knowledge that I loved this little one with the kind of love that will bear any pain and sacrifice everything without a second thought.

The pediatrician checked Zoe and she was great- 7lbs 15oz and 20" long.  Her umbilical cord was twisted up like a telephone cord (presumably from her constant flips in utero) so that it was only 12" long instead of a typical 20" (hence the dropping heart rate).  They handed her back to me and the rest of the world became a blur.  This perfect little package, wrapped in the hospital receiving blanket, was finally here nothing else seemed to matter very much.

Jonathan

In the whirlwind of excitement surrounding a new baby and all of those changes, it would be easy to forget the fantastic stage that Jonathan is at right now.  Two and a half certainly has its challenges, and while we have our battles of willpower and tantrums, he is a completely charming and wonderful little boy.  So here are some current highlights from the world of Jonathan:

Here he is today at a "Touch-A-Truck" event:

Right now his favorite song is I'll Make a Man Out of You from the Disney movie Mulan.  He is crazy about the video of this on YouTube and insists that it be sung to him as a lullaby.  He wakes up singing it and sings it over lunch, dinner, and while riding in the car.  I think my favorite aspect of this is that in the morning when he wakes up, we hear his sweet little voice singing lines like "Let's get down to business to defeat the Huns" or "Heed my every order, and you might survive".

He started in a new preschool class earlier this month, and while I didn't get a first day of school picture, this is at least from the first month!  He loves going to school and coming home to teach us how to do things like sit "criss-cross applesauce" or do the "head and shoulders" dance.

We have peanut-butter and honey sandwiches for lunch every day.  He loves eating peanut-butter off of a spoon and when I say "here's some honey for my honey".  He also continues to be the slowest eater of all time. 45 min on lunch today and he only made it through his sandwich and 3 out of 4 apple slices!

He loves reading.  When Gramma pulled out a book today and said "Jonathan, I have a new book for you and Zoë", his response was to literally bounce up and down and say "That is so exciting!".   He is currently fascinated by a book about a tiger called Augustus who lost his smile.

Jonathan continues to be a little conversationalist.  When there is a lull in the conversation he will look someone in the eye and say: "So, how was your wonderful day?"  He also goes out of his way to answer questions in complete sentences.  Even yes and no questions.  For instance: "Jonathan, would you like cheese with lunch?"  "Yes, I would like cheese"

Oh, writing this makes me want to run upstairs right now, give him one more good night kiss and tickle his adorable little boy toes!!

1 to 2

I am amazed at how fast the transition is from pregnant to mommy.  The few hours of labor and a 24 hour stay in the hospital and suddenly I am at home, a mother of two...

Yesterday I looked down at myself and found that I was sitting on the kitchen floor nursing a semi-fussy, squirmy Zoë in one hand while attempting to control the mess that was Jonathan discovering the feeling of squishing play-dough with his toes.  All I could think was "What have you gotten yourself into? This is going to be an entirely new level of chaos!"

But so far, the transition is going well.  Having my mom here is a god-send.

Between her and having Jim home on paternity leave last week, there has always been a free hand to give hugs, find snacks, and play with Jonathan while still rocking Zoë, cleaning up spit-up, and changing those ridiculously small diapers.

I still feel like there is a lot to learn about the logistics of how to do three things with two hands.  For example how to do bath time, or cook dinner, go to the grocery store, or wrangle two kiddos plus backpacks and lunch bags into preschool.  But while I'm sure there is a learning curve, I know we'll figure out a system that works.

My main concern about the transition from 1 child to 2 children was that Jonathan would feel replaced/ignored/neglected/jealous with the new little one needing so much and taking the attention from him.  Especially since he is something of a ham and has been quite a mommy's boy.  So I tried to prepare him for some of the changes ahead of time- that Mommy was going to have to go to the hospital for a few days to have the baby, that he could come visit us there, that sometimes babies cry, etc.  I brought a present for him with me to the hospital so he would associate it and the new baby with something nice.  I've been trying to phrase things so as to give him ownership of the baby- his sister, our baby, etc.  And I've been trying to go out of my way to notice what he is doing and give him attention even while I am taking care of Zoë.  And so far, so good.  He's had moments of jealousy (like when we went to church and were swarmed with people wanting to see the baby and not him), but mostly he is doing well.  He seems a touch more emotional and tired, but mostly he is is silly cheerful self- more interested in his ball-popper than in a sleeping baby.

But he has been so gentle and loving with her and so excited when she watches him play or he can comment on what she is doing.  Tonight he wanted to hold her and thought it was hilarious when she watched him play peek-a-boo with her.  He is a sweetheart and is going to be a great big brother!

We'll see what happens when some of the extra help goes away and 'real life' resumes!  But for now, as always, we are figuring it out one day at a time!

Zoë

This past weekend we finally welcomed Zoë Rebekah into our family!!  

The last year of waiting for her has been a tremendous one.  Just over a year ago we had our miscarriage and it rocked my world in a way I didn't know could be done.  Hope and life and came crashing down around me at a time when I was least expecting it.  And everything last fall and winter was tainted with the sense that something horrible and devistating could be lurking around every corner.  When we got pregnant again, I could barely let myself believe it.  I kept expecting the other shoe to drop.

But sitting here this morning with her napping on my lab while big brother is off to preschool, I am overwhelmed with the new joy and hope that has come into our lives.  We have the most beautiful perfect little baby girl I can imagine.  

 Zoë means life.  Not life like run of the mill, physical, "bios" life, but life like the infinite and grand phenomena of life.  

Life like the spirit of things new and fresh and full of wonder.  Life like joy and fullness and hope restored.  

Life like what sparkles in her eyes when she opens them and focuses on your face.  

Life like the gentle way she grips my finger when I put it in her hand.  Life like all of the sweet and the bitter parts mixed into a fierce torrent that sweeps you away.