5 things (again)

I have been feeling a bit down as of late.  There are days when I feel great and can't wait to explore another day with my two kiddos. We have plans and adventures and we all smile and laugh.  But more often I want to cry and pull the blanket back over my head when it is time to get up.  I feel a little adrift and like I am just going through the motions, trying to survive the day without knowing where we are going or caring if we get there.  I feel just a wee bit exhausted emotionally for a lot of reasons I don't want to get into atm.

BUT I have been trying, trying to put some order and structure around that helps me actually settle in and enjoy the little moments through my stress and exhaustion.  And one of the ways that is most helpful is to try to capture the little things that make me smile on camera.  It makes me stop and think and enjoy and look for ways to find joy instead of ways to sulk.  SO here are my fab five from last week.

1) Pluck.  This girl has it.  She has been working at figuring out that gate ever since we put it up- and she has gotten it open more than once.  Oy.  She is going to keep me running.  But it does make me smile to see her mischievous little grin and watch her work so hard.  

2) Second Breakfast with my little boy.  Almost nothing makes me happier than cooking something fabulous and sharing it with someone who also loves it.  We have been settling down for our snack during Zoë's morning nap and this week we've been having toast with homemade fig jam.  YUMMY.

3) Morning Giggles on the Baby Monitor.  Ok, so the red flashing lights and being woken up in the morning at 6:30 is not always a source of joy or smiles.  BUT to hear the two of them laughing together and crashing around in their cribs like little maniacs and then both dissolving into hysterical laughter does make me smile.  Even at 6:30.  Even though I want to pull the sheet back over my head.

4) The Power Crawl.  Zoë has just started adding a little sprint burst to her crawl when she needs to get somewhere fast. It is hilarious.  And fast- I seriously need to run to catch up now.  Her little legs go so fast and then she usually dives head first into whatever she was after- her monkey-blankie, the dog's bowl, whatever.

5) Potty Talk.  Maybe I shouldn't talk about poop in public. But this made me laugh harder than anything else this week, so I have to share.  I was getting the bath ready and Jonathan was on the potty and before every poop he would sing-song about "What is going to come a-a-out?!?!" and then peal into laughter after each poop-nugget plunked into the pot.  Before becoming a Mommy, no one could have explained the joy of this kind of moment to me- but these are the memories I will cherish when he is a teenager and too cool to be seen with Mom.

5 things

Being back to work this week after Christmas break has been tough.  Crazy busy, crazy stress, crazy tired.  And to add to the fun, Zoë has been sleeping really poorly this week.  Perhaps because we are slowly transitioning her to a new bed, perhaps because she is going through a growth spurt (she drank 9oz of milk yesterday at lunchtime).  Who knows.  But the result is that I have been feeling a bit desperate.

I collapsed last night feeling alone, exhausted, depressed, and like my life was totally out of control.  Unfortunately my computer was on and within arms reach and I was seduced by etsy (where spending money makes you feel like you are contributing to society) and amazon-one-click (way too easy).  Which added guilt to my list of maladies.

I woke up this morning feeling lousy.  Crabby, tired, and crabby.  Plus crabby.  As I sat glowering over my oatmeal I decided I needed to do something to rescue this day.  So I resolved that rather than returning to the internet buying debacle of last night, I would try to spend the day focusing on finding things that made me smile and savoring them.  So, here are my top 5:

1) Watching Jonathan put play-dough in his garlic press.  Yes, his garlic press.  The combination (play-dough + press) were in his Christmas stocking because he had been stealing mine so often from the kitchen.  He loves putting wads of play-dough through it and watching the 'hair' grow.  And I love watching his rapt concentration as he does this over and over and over.  Plus the play-dough hair is pretty cool feeling.

2) Baby girl mary-jane socks + legging.  LOVE.

3) Lunch. (You know food was going to make it in here somewhere).  But my sandwich today was perfect.  Toast with kale pesto, (leftover) roasted mushrooms, egg, and mustard.  And I managed to get the egg perfect- where the yolk is still just a tiny bit runny.  

4)  Zoë's quilt.  A dear friend made this for her and I love it.  We use it every day for tummy time and just playing and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

5) Watching Jonathan and Daddy raking.  So many reasons here.  It was warm enough for me to sit out in flip-flops and watch my fantastic husband play with an adorable little boy while doing yard work while I was sitting on the deck playing with a baby.

The remarkable part is that even before I had actually found something to smile about, I was feeling better.  It turns out that turning my focus from "how am I going to make it through the day?" to "what am I really happy with in my life?" makes life a lot more fun.

As I type this I have rocked a screaming Zoë back to sleep twice (and she's only been in bed for 2 hours)- so the night isn't off to a good start.  But the day really was a good one.  And so maybe tonight I'll be able to remember how rocking a healthy adorable baby to sleep isn't so bad.  Even in the middle of the night.