patience

So for me, the notable thing about this evening is that I am sitting on my sofa blogging and watching The Office.  I am NOT in the hospital having this baby. I started having contractions on Sunday night, they were small, but getting stronger and I thought we could have a baby by Monday (perfect for Labor Day- right?).  But my body and the baby have other plans, apparently, because here it is Wednesday night and still no baby and very few contractions.

I am mostly OK with this.  I am sick of being pregnant.  And I do want to meet this little girl.  But the right time will come, and that will be the best.  The thing that is hard about this point in the pregnancy is that I spend half of my time and energy preparing for the possibility of going into labor in the next 12 hours (are my bags packed? did I leave my lesson plans all ready to be out of work for 12 weeks?  Is Jonathan's lunch packed for school tomorrow?), and the other half preparing myself for waiting another several weeks.  It would be great to just KNOW.  Patience is not really my thing.  Being prepared is.  So this is driving me crazy.   I suppose parenting is nothing if not a lesson in patience and relinquishing control, and this is just a continuation of this lesson.

back to school

So I am back to school this week. The kids aren't here yet, but teachers are back doing lesson plans, setting up desks, and attending endless meetings. This end of summer transition is always really really hard for me. This time of year is a stark reminder for me that I cannot do it all. I grew up firmly believing that I was capable of anything- that nothing I put my mind to was too hard or beyond my reach. That belief has inspired me to do things about which I am immensely proud- run a marathon, major in physics, etc. But what I have a hard time with is the idea that I cannot have or be all things all at once. That once I've made a choice, it closes other doors. That I cannot, for example, work a full time job and be a stay at home Mommy. And that is really really hard for me.

To my mind, the summer is this amazing time where I get to be Mommy full time, while still maintaining my identity as an independent, career woman. But then Fall hits and I am actually back to working and the illusion of having it all comes down around my ears. I start to question everything about my life choices and feel like I am failing on all fronts. Failing at spending those precious moments playing trains and chase and reading stories. Failing at going the extra mile for all of my students. I suddenly feel like the balance I strike makes me mediocre at everything.

For the past two years once we've gotten into the groove of the year, I see how great it is for Jonathan to be in school. And I see how great it is for me to have a career that is mine and that I really do love. And I see how OK the balance actually is. And I start to feel good about my choices again. But this year, I don't think that groove will be as easy to find. It is hard to see a vision for a school year when I don't know if I will be out on maternity leave starting tomorrow, next week, or three weeks from now. And once the baby comes... well life with a newborn is anything but "settled". So hopefully I will find some way to relax into the tension that is my current life. For now I'm taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to extend myself a little extra grace.

37 weeks

So as my weekly pregnancy update email has reminded me, starting this weekend I am officially "full term"! And what could be better timing wise than to have a hurricane bearing down on us this weekend? Perfect. At least the hospital is only one mile away- even if the streets remain impassible for weeks, I could still probably make it there walking. (Or perhaps DH could push me in the jogging stroller). I guess life is nothing if not an adventure!

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy

Jonathan has been amazing me lately with how his imagination is getting more and more extensive. A few days ago he was playing with his toy fishing rod on the sofa. He had arranged all of his fish on the floor beneath him and was laying on the sofa attempting to catch them with his toy fishing rod/hook.

When he had caught them all, he announced that he needed to cook them. Something along the lines of "I need to take the fish home to bake. Mommy! Get me a pan!" So I obliged and next thing I knew he had his cutting food out and was cutting up carrots and tomatoes to put in the pan along with the fish. I asked if he needed anything else for the soup and he said "Umm, I think it needs some spices".

He stirred it and cooked it and kept tasting it and adding more chili powder until he announced that it was ready and we needed some bowls. He carefully poured it into bowls and gave one to me and then "ate" one himself.

I loved that he had worked out the whole scene from catching the fish to cooking them to serving the soup in bowls with virtually no input from me!