trade off

I think Jonathan's nursing days have come to an end. Ever since he has been sleeping better his eating schedule has shifted, my milk supply has plummeted and he hasn't had the patience to actually nurse in the afternoons. I don't really blame him- bottles are a way more efficient way to get milk and who wants to take more time away from chasing the ball than absolutely necessary? He loves the bottle (some variation of "bottle" is already in his vocabulary where as nothing close to "Mommy" ever comes out of his mouth)

For a few weeks after he started sleeping through the night, pumping went OK and he was still getting mostly milk instead of formula even at preschool, but with him refusing to nurse in the afternoons and me not wanting to drag the pump back and forth to work to pump in the evenings, my milk supply is getting less and less.

It makes me really sad to see this come to an end. I loved the connection I felt like it gave me with him to know that he had my milk even when I was at work. And though I LOVE sleeping at night again, I miss seeing him every few hours. But we've given this a good go and almost 11 months isn't so bad. Sleeping well is a huge accomplishment and life is always a trade-off. I guess I'm just not sure how to end this on my terms so I don't feel like I've failed since I don't think we'll make it to a year.

afraid

For the first time today, I watched Jonathan deal with fear. I'm not really sure what cognitive development leads a baby to suddenly see familiar things in a new, scary, light. But I can't think of anything that precipitated it.

We were playing on the dining room floor with his truck and he kept going over to the baby gate and saying "ball". It took me a while, but I finally figured out he was talking about my big purple exercise ball was in the middle of the floor of the sunroom. I climbed over the gate and brought the ball into the living room because I thought it might be fun for him to play with such a big ball. He approached it at first, but then came diving back towards me, crying and burying his head. He wouldn't touch it, go near, or let go of me and and didn't stop crying until I put it back away. As soon as it was gone he was back to his normal spunky self. And not 10 minutes later he decided he should try to scale the stairs. So much for well grounded fears...

I hate March

And I hate that I hate it.

There are no days off, but the weather makes you want to be outside. The end of the year starts to be in sight, but all of the deadlines start closing in on you and demanding ridiculous things. Seniors start to see college as an imminent reality, and start to act crazy and be really unfun to teach. And it just wears on me and I am too exhausted to enjoy life. I feel like a zombie most of the time even though I am sleeping better than I have all year.

I have spent a lot of time, energy, and money on therapy and one of the things I took away was the importance of living in the now- of appreciating the present moment for whatever it holds. This year I have been so good at not spending my time and happiness waiting for the next holiday, or half day, or special event- until now. Now I am counting down to spring break like it is my only lifeline. Grrr.... I hate March.

lovin' the spring time weather!