pre-summer nerves

I realized today that I am a little nervous about the summer. In particular what the summer will do to my mental health. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being with Jonathan. But his never-ending sickness has thrown me off of my game a little bit (He has been doing a lot better since Sunday and has been back at preschool yesterday and today. His appetite is back, he has had solid poops, and he seems like himself again. But he still isn't back to a normal diet so we aren't out of the woods yet.)

But after staying home with him off and on for the past 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure I am not cut out for stay-at-home mommy-hood. Granted his being sick has made my days at home more about counting the hours between episodes of vomiting and diarrhea, constantly worrying about him, and second guessing myself than enjoying the company of my little bean. But I am already feeling bored by the toys in our living room, sick of our current library of board books, and grossed out by the unpleasantness of summer here .

Anyway, we'll see how the summer treats us, but I think I will need a major mental shift from working mommy to staying at home mommy. I think I will need regular outings, dates with friends, and some projects that can be conquered during nap-times. Here's to to 3 more days of school!!

312 hrs and counting

I remember growing up and getting 12-hr or 24-hr tummy bugs. It would spread around the family and everyone would puke a few times, but in a day or two everyone would have put in their 12 or 24 hrs and be back to normal. Today is the 13th day in a row that Jonathan has had the stomach flu. He started with a tummy bug weekend before last and has alternated between diarrhea and vomiting and fever (or all 3 at once) for the past two weeks. We've had two visits to the doctor and several conversations with the nurse on call. He's had better days, and worse days. In my head I know he will recover, eventually. But over the past 2 days he has gone from a relatively normally functioning baby with occasional GI distress to a sad, lethargic, and sick baby. He cries when he poops and looks up at you with those big eyes asking "when will this feel better" and then he cries more. It breaks my heart for him. I think he and I are both having a hard time not feeling hopeless. I know there isn't anything to be done but stay on clear liquids and bland crackers until his little tummy recovers its enzymes. But when he seems to be getting worse instead of better after 13 days, it is hard to keep believing that he will get better.

worry

The transition from bottle to sippy-cup is not going well. When we decided to make the switch (about 3 weeks ago when we switched from formula to whole milk) we decided to go cold-turkey since Jonathan knew how to drink from a sippy-cup but had thus far refused to drink any milk from one. My hope was that if we only offered milk in a cup and not in a bottle, he would have to give in and start drinking milk from a cup. Jonathan took on the challenge and is still refusing milk from a cup. He takes one look at a cup and if it appears opaque, he will have nothing to do with it. We've tried warm, cold, room temperature, diluted with water, formula, mixed with OJ, in a non-transparent cup. Nothing. After three days of him drinking nothing, we started offering cups of water between meals. After a week of him drinking virtually no milk, we went back to morning and bed time bottles. But for the rest of the day he refuses milk in a cup and will only drink water. I am nervous that he is not getting enough milk. Nervous that if we switch back to bottles he won't be able to give them up later. Nervous that he will sense my anxiety over this issue and will become more entrenched against my goals.

This is one of what I am sure will be a string of issues we face as parents over the years where I just don't know what to do. There are so many angles and I just don't know the right solution is and what will work. Where is the line between a phase and a lifetime bad habit? Only in retrospect. I feel like there must be a perfect plan out there somewhere and that good mother would know what it was, but I have no clue. I feel like I am out here trying and doing my best, but I am not confident that my best is good enough. I want to know that things will turn out ok. That he will grow up to be a healthy boy despite his current refusal of milk. But I don't really believe that in my heart. A piece of me suspects that not getting adequate calcium and fat is a big deal- especially for a kid in the 5th percentile for weight.

No No

This past week Jonathan has started saying "no no" a lot. So far, he mainly says it to point out things he knows are no-nos. For example, today he walked up to the glass door and banged on it once with his wooden mallet, looked up at me with a very serious expression and in his sweet baby boy voice said "no no" while sternly shaking his head. He then walked away to find the dog.