Which way to up?

chaos

2012-02-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

As a teacher there is something magical about the first days of school. The gleam and smell of newly waxed floors, the way all of the pencils are perfectly sharpened, the white boards are pristine, and the lesson plans are still perfect- unspoiled by lack of student knowledge or equipment failure or pep-rally schedules. It feels clean and new and perfect and like if you hold your breath and do everything just right, everything might turn out neat and clean and according to plan.

And then comes February. And you look up for a moment to survey the chaos around you and think - what happened?? And I have to remind myself every year that it is OK. The act of learning is not neat and clean- it has all kinds of bumps and hiccups and if you are paying attention to what is being learned, you miss some stuff- like the pencil shavings on the floor and the lab supplies in disarray and the fact that all 20 of the white board makers in your room only kinda still work.

Today felt like chaos all over. I walked in the door from school and before I had my coat off, Jonathan had dumped out all of his cutting food, two boxed sets of books, and was playing a game that involved rolling tiny rings one at a time across the living room floor. In every direction the scene looked like this:

I tried to take a moment in the kitchen to regain my composure, but was dismayed to find every counter covered with something. I could feel my chaos welling up inside me about to explode when Jonathan ran in and said "Mommy, which one do you think goes faster, the blue ring or the green one?!?" And I saw, amid the utter destruction of all order in my living room a tiny little scientist investigating his world. Setting up and testing theories, wondering, discovering. And I remembered that learning is not neat and clean- especially when you are little. So I got back down to sit "criss-cross-applesauce" with my little man and roll those rings all over the livingroom. Tidy can come after bedtime tonight.

Snow!

2012-02-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

Where we live, snow is a rare thing. So when flakes started falling yesterday around dinnertime, it was a BIG deal- Jonathan and I sat and watched flakes for a long time. And when we woke up this morning, the ground was covered with a thin sheet of snow.

When Jonathan peeked out of the window and saw it, he was so excited he started dancing wildly around the kitchen.

Then he looked me straight in the eyes and said. "There is snow!! It must be wintertime today!" Indeed. With his logic, this probably our day of winter this year. So as soon as breakfast was over, we bundled up and headed out.

Jonathan reveled in running and hearing his shoes crunch in the still air, I reveled in the cold blue sky and the way winter makes long shadows on the new white. Zoë was a good sport.

We didn't last long out in the cold. But you have to seize the moment around here- because the snow was gone by lunchtime.

new sensory bowl

2012-02-05T19:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend I finally got around to doing some creative hands-on fun at home. Life has been so insane the past 3 weeks, that I have really been dragging in the afternoons. We play pretend games about hiding in bear caves and airplanes and garbage trucks and he gets his hands dirty helping me cook dinner most nights, but I haven't had the energy to pull out the paints or play-dough or do a fun project for a while. So on Friday I treated myself to a 30 minute, $5 field trip to the dollar store to pick up some fun. I filled my bag with mardi-gras beads, cotton balls, tiny shiny bows, colored shredded paper, and a new big bowl. I got home, cut up the necklaces, dumped, added a cardboard tube- and viola! a new sensory tub waiting for Jonathan to wake up from his nap.

He loved it. He immediately dumped it out on the table and began filling the tube, sorting the beads, and squishing the paper and cotton balls. It kept him fascinated and experimenting for a full hour!!

Just love that rapt concentration! And he kept asking to take it out again all weekend. He referred to it as "that surprise thing that Mommy made for me".

little portfolios

2012-02-03T19:40:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things about my life at the moment are the days that Jonathan brings home his artwork from preschool. They display it all month in their classroom and then, one day, they take it down and he comes home wit his art folder jammed into his pint-sized backpack- over flowing with construction paper, glitter, googly-eyes, and pom-poms.

I love these days because when we get home, Jonathan is SO excited to show me his projects.

He takes each one out of his folder like it is an old friend and usually with an exclamation "My penguin!!"

I ask him about what is in the picture and how he made it, and I love these tiny little insights into his classroom and thoughts. For example a lot of their January art featured cozy images adorned with batting. Our conversation was something like:
Jonathan: This wool makes it cozy and warm because a sheepy got stuck here
Me: The sheepy got stuck there?
Jonathan: Yes, because I glued him to the page.

I love that his classroom is a place where they do fun art projects and are creative and that his teacher integrates their reading books with their art and their songs and their play. (In January they were all about going on a bear hunt, so we have lots of bear art- including a set of bear ears- and they built a bear cave out of a box that they would take turns hiding in and sneaking up on when they were hunting the bear). I love that he gets that at school, because honestly as much as I know how important art and messiness is, I just don't have the patience or creativity manage art projects between work and dinner on the average night.

bear sleeping in his cave

After he shows me his art, he usually decides where each one should go- a large pile on the sofa, some on the kitchen floor, some on the table.

And while the mess of that eventually drives me crazy, I love stumbling upon these little treasures for the rest of the evening.

frazzle

2012-01-31T19:12:00.003-05:00

Lately I feel like I am struggling to get through each day in tact. I consciously remind myself multiple times a day that I can only deal with the things on my plate today- tomorrow's stuff will have to wait. There are not enough hours in the day or energy in my bones to tackle it all. I am just a bit frazzled at all times. I have the energy to follow the plan, but beyond that there isn't much gas in the engine. Surprises and last minute decisions are really not something I handle with grace. So two unplanned disasters of this afternoon have left me a little raw and unglued.

But somehow I got dinner on the table and the kids are in bed and I managed not to scream at anyone or break down in tears like I really wanted to. It was finally quiet in our living room and I sat down to go through the mail. Today we happened to get a glut of cataloges. I normally chuck them without a second glance but today the shiny pages sucked me in. As I paged through the glossy images of perfect tans and care-free smiles I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I wanted desperately to be sucked into the world within those pages. A world where I feel put together and, if not glamorous, at least clean and pressed- with no spit-up in my hair, or bags under my eyes, and an outfit that fits and doesn't have a half-chewed goldfish ground into my knees. I want to be swept into a shiny house with fresh-cut flowers on the coffee table and where dog hair does not waft across the floor and where you do not trip over legos and jungle animals and baby rattles.

I know it is all an illusion- but wouldn't it be nice? Except that I think I would miss the sleeping snuffling of the baby next to me when I slept. And the noisy thump-thump-thump of toddler feet running through the house. So for as rough as I feel tonight, I am glad I am here. This crazy phase of my life will pass, and I will miss it.

Zoë at 4 months

2012-01-28T20:33:00.000-05:00

So we've survived another two months!! And Zoë is getting more and more beautiful! Here is my girl and her big heart-melting smile

Among our accomplishments now are removing her own socks....

drooling... (I cannot believe the number of bibs we can go through in a single day)

and pulling any and everything into her mouth.

She has perfected the art of blowing thousands of tiny little spit bubbles and getting them to cover her face like a little goatee. And she likes to pull something over her face when she sleeps (this combined with SIDS hype does wonders for my already irrational degree of mommy-fears)

As a mother to an infant I go through most of the hours of most of my days in a survival-mode blur. I am completely on auto-pilot because I am doing 10 things at once and also am really asleep. It was this way with Jonathan and is still this way with Zoë. But a few times every day, I manage to actually focus on my babes and really see them instead of just managing dirty diapers, tantrums, spit-up and an onslaught of "why?" questions. And it always takes my breath away with the beauty of these tiny people who are so fresh and new and who I love so much.

I remember when I really truly saw Jonathan at this age I would think "Oh my goodness!! How amazing and precious he is! And what a complete mystery!!" Now when I really look at Zoë, I think "Oh, hello!! It is you! I know you and you are one of my all time favorites" I'm not sure what makes the difference. Perhaps having done this baby thing before? Perhaps the fact that they look so much alike? (honestly, except for the pink vs green I don't think I could tell these two faces apart)

I don't know, but it makes me so excited to continue to get to know this amazing little girl!!

content

2012-01-16T20:23:00.000-05:00

As I put Zoë to bed tonight I couldn't help but linger by her crib and watch her for a little longer than normal. The way she nuzzled her little face into her fleecy blanket. Her sleepy eyes and soft partial smile. Her gentle cooing noises and soft kicking- like she was just enjoying the feeling of having legs to stretch.

Not every night is this peaceful- most of the time she likes to fall asleep yelling (not crying - yelling. and yes she seems to actually like it.) But tonight she completely embodied contentment. In addition to making my heart swell up into my throat with the wonder at this beautiful little creature, watching her made me jealous.

I wonder what it would be like to go to sleep with that sort of stillness and peace instead of the mental litany of crud I have as I toss and turn in my bed. What would it take to have that sort of peace in my life? How do I get myself to a place where a fleecy blanket and the feeling of my own toes leaves me with that amount of contentment?

I am not sure the place to start- but bedtime seems like a good goal. So this week, my goal will be to clear my mind of all of the pointless worry, the shopping lists, the litany of self-criticism, the complaints- all of the clutter, to take a few deep breaths, and to focus on something that I really enjoyed from the day for a few minutes before bedtime.

he makes me laugh

2012-01-15T19:28:00.002-05:00

at the breakfast table...
Jonathan: What is Zoë saying?
Mommy: She is looking at you and saying "Wow, I have a cool brother"
Jonathan: No, I'm not cool.
Mommy: You aren't?
Jonathan: No, I'm not wearing my sunglasses.

after church...
Mommy: I'm going to make lunch. What do you want?
Jonathan: Hmm. I had a donut at church, so I don't really need lunch right this second.

5 things

2012-01-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

Being back to work this week after Christmas break has been tough. Crazy busy, crazy stress, crazy tired. And to add to the fun, Zoë has been sleeping really poorly this week. Perhaps because we are slowly transitioning her to a new bed, perhaps because she is going through a growth spurt (she drank 9oz of milk yesterday at lunchtime). Who knows. But the result is that I have been feeling a bit desperate.

I collapsed last night feeling alone, exhausted, depressed, and like my life was totally out of control. Unfortunately my computer was on and within arms reach and I was seduced by etsy (where spending money makes you feel like you are contributing to society) and amazon-one-click (way too easy). Which added guilt to my list of maladies.

I woke up this morning feeling lousy. Crabby, tired, and crabby. Plus crabby. As I sat glowering over my oatmeal I decided I needed to do something to rescue this day. So I resolved that rather than returning to the internet buying debacle of last night, I would try to spend the day focusing on finding things that made me smile and savoring them. So, here are my top 5:

1) Watching Jonathan put play-dough in his garlic press. Yes, his garlic press. The combination (play-dough + press) were in his Christmas stocking because he had been stealing mine so often from the kitchen. He loves putting wads of play-dough through it and watching the 'hair' grow. And I love watching his rapt concentration as he does this over and over and over. Plus the play-dough hair is pretty cool feeling.

2) Baby girl mary-jane socks + legging. LOVE.

3) Lunch. (You know food was going to make it in here somewhere). But my sandwich today was perfect. Toast with kale pesto, (leftover) roasted mushrooms, egg, and mustard. And I managed to get the egg perfect- where the yolk is still just a tiny bit runny.

4) Zoë's quilt. A dear friend made this for her and I love it. We use it every day for tummy time and just playing and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

5) Watching Jonathan and Daddy raking. So many reasons here. It was warm enough for me to sit out in flip-flops and watch my fantastic husband play with an adorable little boy while doing yard work while I was sitting on the deck playing with a baby.

The remarkable part is that even before I had actually found something to smile about, I was feeling better. It turns out that turning my focus from "how am I going to make it through the day?" to "what am I really happy with in my life?" makes life a lot more fun.

As I type this I have rocked a screaming Zoë back to sleep twice (and she's only been in bed for 2 hours)- so the night isn't off to a good start. But the day really was a good one. And so maybe tonight I'll be able to remember how rocking a healthy adorable baby to sleep isn't so bad. Even in the middle of the night.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

still conflicted

2011-12-22T20:54:00.000-05:00

So I started back to work a week and a half ago. I was, of course, dreading it and plotting all kinds of ways to be able to quit and stay home and still pay our mortgage. But then I got back to work and was immediately reminded in many ways of how much I like my job. I think what I do is important. I think it is fun and rewarding. I enjoy my students and my colleagues.

Zoë took to her teachers and class easily and was adjusted to taking a bottle by day 2. Here is her grinning on her 1st day.

Her teachers are fantastic and it is possible she gets more kisses at school than at home as she always seems to have lipstick on her forehead when I pick her up.

The time between picking them up and dinner and bedtime is crazy. I run around with my hair afire, helping Jonathan on the potty, cooking dinner, rocking Zoë, feeding the dog, etc. I feel like I don't get a chance to look anyone in the eye until they are in bed. And that makes me sad. As much work as it is to be at home all day, there are peaceful moments and chances to sit and snuggle or set up train sets or draw pictures.

Plus I have major baby brain. For example, Tuesday on the drive to work I panicked that I didn't have my keys and almost turned the car around to go home to look for them. I mix up my classes, lessons, and cannot focus on anything for more than 5 or 10seconds. I am so grateful that I had a few weeks of lessons planned beyond my maternity leave; but I am a little nervous about when they run out and I am forced to do long range planning with my courses. I set up a coffee pot in my classroom, but I'm not confident coffee will be enough.

So I guess at least for now, I'm still working and still conflicted about it. I'm trying to savor every minute of Christmas break.

Potty Time!

2011-12-07T09:08:00.000-05:00

I know you shouldn't tell people things like this, let alone publish it. Jim thinks I am ridiculous, but when Zoë drank 3oz from a bottle 2 days in a row and I mentioned it to someone, she stopped and is back to her bottle-hating self. So as silly as it is I do think you can jinx your luck with babies and toddlers. Which is why it will be months before anyone knows when Zoë first sleeps through the night. But since I'm actually not very invested in this milestone- I'm making an exception.

Last Monday, Jonathan decided that it was time for potty training. We've been talking about it a lot for the past few months and he knows the deal- pee in the potty gets you 1 M&M; poop gets you 2 M&Ms. We haven't used pull-ups or big boy underwear. Occasionally he'd try to pee in the potty- but not on a regular basis.

Honestly, I've been putting it off. I am just not convinced that diapers are not way more convenient than having to find a bathroom in the mall or at the playground or clean up accidents in big boy underwear in the car. But Jonathan came home from school and announced that he NEEDED to wear underwear in that tone of voice where a 2 1/2 year old means business. So I sighed and gave in. I made him wear a diaper for naptime, but when he woke up we broke out the undies.

Thankfully he really was ready because I didn't really have the patience to play extra games this week and I certainly didn't have the energy to clean up extra messes and do more loads of laundry (Zoë makes quite enough work in those two areas herself). We had 2 accidents on Monday (one while he was on Daddy's shoulders- ha ha ha), but he peed and pooped in the potty and the rest of the week and weekend we were accident free! We sent him to school this week with his undies- and no accidents yet! He is pretty good at getting his pants on and off by himself and I think despite my grumblings and new stress about taking him out in public, we are on the way to having a potty trained little guy!

exercising

2011-12-01T19:49:00.001-05:00

Jonathan continues to argue about simply everything. He also has a rudimentary understanding of the concept of exercise. To his mind it is something that is characterized by people doing odd things but is also a decidedly good thing. The following exchange is a pretty good example of talking to him lately is like:

Jonathan: Can I drop this? (referring to a Christmas ornament)
Daddy: No honey, it would break.
Jonathan: But I want it to break.
Daddy: Why do you want it to break?
Jonathan: Because I need some exercising.

Hilarious, yet exasperating.

Zoë at 2 months

2011-11-20T20:28:00.001-05:00

Time flies. Zoë is already 2 months old (and I am 2 weeks late with this post). And that means that we are 2/3 of the way through the 4th trimester! Hurrah!! I hate to will time to pass, but the first three months are just tough. We are all exhausted and everything still feels like it is in flux and not quite in a rhythm yet. But little by little we are getting there with some predictability around bedtime and naps. Jonathan is settling into the idea of a little sister and taking ownership of his role as a big brother. He giggles when she toots at the dinner table and loves to give her baths and kiss the top of her head. And in the mean time I am trying to treasure every moment of the last few weeks of my maternity leave.

So, here is Zoë at two months old. She still has the most amazing big blue eyes

and as her bright little personality emerges more and more, I just can't wait to see the little girl she becomes.

Our big accomplishments this month? Smiling, cooing and beginning to babble. Zoë has the most beautiful smile ever. It is, of course, nearly impossible to capture on camera at all- let alone capture the way her eyes sparkle and make your heart melt.

As soon as she focuses her big blue eyes on you and sees that you are looking at her, her face lights up in the most stunning baby smile and she immediately starts cooing and gurgling and bobbing her head like she is saying something terribly important. I. Love. It. She was upstairs during story time with Jonathan tonight and throughout she was smiling and cooing at Jonathan which made him giggle and then start cooing back at her. The whole thing brought tears to my eyes and made me so thankful for these two beautiful souls that are in my care. And then, within seconds, Jonathan had a tantrum about whether to read 2 or 3 books and Zoë vomited down my shirt. But those beautiful moments amid the chaos of normal life are enough.

PS: Thanks to my friend Sarah Day for these great pictures!!

bribery

2011-11-17T09:25:00.001-05:00

Typically getting Jonathan dressed and out the door in the morning takes a bit of wheeling and dealing and an extra dose of patience. But today he made me laugh.

Mommy: Ok buddy, time to get dressed.
Jonathan: No!
Mommy: You already picked out your shirt, let's get ready for school
Jonathan: No, I need an M&M.
Mommy: I don't have any M&Ms. (lie)
Jonathan: No, I need a pretend M&M.
Mommy: You can have a pretend M&M if you put your shirt and pants on.
Jonathan: OK!!

This tactic worked for shirt, pants, socks, shoes, jacket, backpack and getting in the car. If only bribery was always going to be so easy!!

change of pace

2011-11-12T13:48:00.001-05:00

Jonathan's favorite thing right now is garbage trucks. And when a two and a half year old has a favorite thing, it means that it will permeate everything they do. For example, during breakfast he will start insisting that his spoon is a trash can as he is dumping his oatmeal into his mouth (the trash truck). We watch videos on youtube of real trash trucks and of other children playing with toy trash trucks (I'm actually becoming quite fond of the little song, but Daddy finds it less fascinating).

He has commandeered three of my plastic flower pots and deemed them trash cans. He fills them with toys and then dumps them into a large cardboard box- the trash truck- again, and again, and again. This game has completely engaged him for 90% of his waking hours now going on three weeks. And while it has endless fascination to him, playing it in 4 hour stretches day after day after day is making Mommy and Daddy go a little bit crazy.

So yesterday I decided that during nap-time I would take action. Stealing an idea from one of my favorite mommy blogs, I hid the flowerpots and the box and instead set out a big wad of play-dough and little bowls filled with fall leaves, dry pasta, glass pebbles, and pieces of shells we collected at the beach.

The idea was to use these prompts to create some mixed-media sculpture. And the goal was to have some time dedicated to playing together with him in a creative way that we both enjoyed.

So when I got him up from his nap, I told him I had a surprise downstairs to play with. He loves surprises and was so full of anticipation that I could barely change his diaper. And when he saw the set-up he was hooked. He spent a long time simply putting his fingers into each bowl, picking up handfuls of each and then putting them back in the bowl. He got very upset when I tried to take anything out of the bowls or to play with the play-dough.

I tried to model some sculptures, but this usually ended in him saying "No Mommy, that is not how you play with this" and then him dis-assembling my art.

Eventually he dumped all of the bowls out onto the table and then spent time sorting all of the items back into their proper bowls.

He never did get into the idea of sculpting with the play-dough or sticking stuff into it; but he did a lot of sorting. Eventually he decided that the bowls were trash trucks, needing to be filled. But overall it was a success. We had a glorious hour of non-trash-truck play and a little exploration of something novel. Today we are back to trash trucks.

Austerity Measures

2011-11-10T11:11:00.001-05:00

About a month ago DH and I both started feeling uncomfortable with our credit card bill. Not only because most of my maternity leave is unpaid, though that was a factor. I felt uncomfortable with what spending that amount of money said about us- about what we value and what we let define us. I don't know how many times a day I would log on to amazon, but having some new thing was my solution to any problem. I get a huge thrill out of knowing that a package is on the way, and amazon one-click is WAY too easy. I found myself looking around and valuing myself based on the things that surrounded me rather than who I am. Buying something new was like a drug- I needed just a little hit every day to make me feel OK. And at the same time, I felt like we were being overrun with stuff. Drawers, cabinets, shelves are literally overflowing with stuff that we don't use, but have "just in case".

So we decided to see if we could go for one whole month without spending any money on things besides groceries, toiletries and child related necessities (shoes when Jonathan suddenly outgrew his tennies; warm sleepers for Zoë when the temperatures dropped, etc). We have almost completed our month and have been remarkably successful in keeping to our goal. I couldn't help myself and bought a stuffed elephant for Zoë that was just too cute and we stopped for fast food once. And now that our month is almost over, I am thinking about how it has affected me.

The first, and most obvious, thing is that I have stopped impulse buying. And I like it. I hate the feeling of unpacking your bags when you get home and looking at that item that was only $1.99, but you know you don't need and have no space for. I like knowing that the things in my bag are things we need, not just things we want.

But the bigger thing that I have noticed is that I find my mind a little calmer a little more of the time. Since there is no point for me to make a mental shopping list for much of anything or to plan projects, I have found myself being in the moment a little more often- whether that moment is playing with Jonathan, being spit-up on, or enjoying the rare quiet when the kids are both napping at the same time. And I am really enjoying that extra space to just be. I would like more of it.

So I definately think one month was good, but not enough to get me to where I want to be. I want that mental space to be permanent. I want to not even be tempted with those impulse buys. I want less clutter. And I think my thought patterns will take a lot more than one month to change. I'm not sure yet what this will look like going forward, but I am hoping we will work out a way to keep these changes going.

fresh air

2011-11-08T19:11:00.002-05:00

Today has been a welcome breath of fresh air and relaxation after a few rather stressful days. Life with a newborn is always exhausting, but yesterday was a remarkably trying day. She fussed all day. Not outright screaming most of the time (though we had our share of that too), but that revving up to scream "eeh eeh eeeeeh" noise- like an engine turning over but not quite getting there. Literally all day. Jonathan was having one of his 'terrible twos' days where we were living on the edge (or careening over the edge) of a tantrum all day. DH worked late; dinner was a chore; bedtime was a disaster. They screamed; I screamed. We all ended the day on a bad foot.

After they were both finally asleep, I remembered how sweet and wonderful they really are and I sat in the kitchen and cried thinking about all the ways I failed them during the day. How I lost my temper when Zoë probably had a tummy ache all day. How I shouldn't have yelled at Jonathan when he tripped over the bouncer and banged his head, accidentally kicking the baby on the way down. How a better mother would have a little more patience than I exhibited today. How I hoped they knew how much I desperately love them despite my behavior. I went to bed not only feeling tired, but like I was the worst version of myself.

But today has been like a ray of sunshine. Zoë had her best night of sleep yet- asleep at 8pm and up at 7:30am only waking once to nurse- so I started the day a little more well rested than normal. There was no preschool for Jonathan so after delivering a meal to some friends with a new little one, we headed to the playground. We met another friend with a toddler and a baby and spent some lovely time in the sunshine chasing little boys and laughing together about the insanity of taking care of two little ones at once. Zoë slept. We had a lovely lunch and then nap-time where both of the kids slept a glorious 2 hours at the same time. I swept the floor, sorted some laundry, prepped food for dinner and still had time to sit and drink coffee in the quiet while working on my latest project. I could feel the stress that had built up behind my eyeballs quietly melting away all day.

I know there will be more stormy days. Days where everything goes wrong. Where I loose my temper, fail to roll with the punches, and am not the mother I want to be. But my hope is that as long as I do my best to demonstrate how much I love my little munchkins every day and try to model patience and joy, things will be ok. The kisses and smiles will outweigh the times when I slip and loose my cool. And with a few days like today thrown in the mix, it gives me hope that I will make it through the craziness of being a Mommy with enough sanity to tip the scales the right way.

trick or treat

2011-11-06T15:33:00.002-05:00

So this year, our little man had his first real Halloween experience. And it was a hit. I mean, really, a holiday that involves mainly getting to wear a costume and then have people give you large quantities of candy? I'm not surprised that he deemed it his "favorite holiday".

Zoë donned the obligatory baby pumpkin costume (even though orange is really not her color).

And Jonathan went as a dragon.

This is actually his costume from last year, and I was super excited it fit again because the way his tail bobs when he walks in it is so cute I can barely stand it.

Our neighbors set up a miniature carnival that Jonathan loved.

And he went with Daddy to a few houses.

And was introduced to the concept of gluttony.

He has talked about trick-or-treating every day since halloween and often insists on wearing his costume for as much of the day as possible.

imagination

2011-10-30T19:42:00.000-04:00

Conversation between Jonathan and Daddy...

Jonathan: Daddy, throw a fish at me!

Daddy: (looking around for a toy fish and finding none) A pretend fish?

Jonathan: (nodding) YES!!

Daddy: (pretends to throw a fish) Whap!

Jonathan: (bursts into tears and looks accusingly at Daddy) I need a kiss!

Daddy: What happened?

Jonathan: (between sobs) You hit me in the face with a fish!

remaining calm

2011-10-27T09:57:00.000-04:00

The thing about parenting is that it consistently throws you into situations for which you are wholly unprepared but about which you now must act quickly and decisively for the well being of someone you love more than life itself. And when you are staying home, the only job you have is to take care of these little ones. So when something goes wrong, it isn't hard to blame yourself and feel like a failure.

For example, over the past week Jonathan has developed a stutter and started saying "dammit" with alarming frequency. And Zoë has demonstrated that she is completely unwilling to drink from a bottle. I am not a speech therapist or a psychologist and we never had a problem introducing Jonathan to the bottle. I suspect that the stutter and the swearing are both related to the stress of the life changes that have recently befallen our little man- and that the best course of action is to remind him that swearing is rude, but to generally ignore them, pile on the TLC, and that this phase will naturally run its course. But there is a little voice in my head telling me that stutters can be lifelong, debilitating conditions and that my improper handling of it now could ruin Jonathan's life. I don't know what to do about the bottle issue, except to remain calm, warm, and loving, and to keep practicing and trying new bottles. But the little voice in my head keeps telling me that if I don't get this figured out, Zoë will starve to death when I go back to work.

I think the trick is to hold the potential seriousness of situations in mind while remaining calm and taking everything with a grain of salt. Yes, things need to be dealt with in a thoughtful manner with an eye to the future. But everything is a phase. And most things sort themselves out with time and patience. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Beach

2011-10-20T13:36:00.002-04:00

After a month of staying with us and being helpful in too many ways to count, my mom flew back to Minnesota this week. She's only been gone a few days and I miss her so much that it hurts. Not just for the practical help that she was- from staying up late to hold Zoë and let us get some sleep, to going grocery shopping, to playing silly games with Jonathan, etc- but also for the company. I love that my mom and I can stay up late talking about nothing and everything every night for a month and it never gets old. My relationship with her is something I cherish more than just about anything. And I seriously hope that I am able to be the kind of mother to Zoë that my mother is to me.

The last week that my mom was here, my dad also flew in and we all packed up for a trip to the beach! As stressful as it is to travel with small children (and despite some questionable weather), it was a wonderful and relaxing few days with family.

Thanks Mom and Dad! You guys are fantastic grandparents and the best parents a girl could have. I hope we can be half the parents that you guys are! Love you and miss you tons!!

Zoë- 1 Month

2011-10-18T10:56:00.000-04:00

So Zoë was one month old yesterday! I can't believe how time flies!! At the ripe old age of 1 month, the things that charaterize her experience (and ours) are eating, sleeping, crying and pooping. So here is the long and short of how that is going so far:

At 10.2 lbs, she is growing like crazy!! Having no other baby experience, I can't help but characterize her by comparing her to big brother. In my opinion, there is quite a family resemblance.

Newborn Jonathan

Newborn Zoë

But despite their looks, they have completely different philosophies about eating. If left to his own choices, Jonathan might starve to death because he is just to distracted to stop and eat. It took him a week after birth to learn how to nurse and he never had the patience to do so for more than 5 minutes. Zoë loves eating. Within 10 minutes of birth she had figured out how to nurse like a pro and did so for half an hour. She over-eats every time and then spits all the excess back up in sneaky gushes as soon as she sees the burp-cloth has slipped. We have started calling her Miss Vesuvius.

While she is by no stretch of the imagination sleeping through the night, she seems to have her days and nights sorted out and a natural bedtime of 8pm. Whether this is because by 8 Jonathan is asleep and the chaos around here subsides is hard to say, but it is fantastic for us. After her 8ish nursing, she usually is pretty easy to rock to sleep and will stay asleep once we lay her down in her bed (Fisher Price is genius. If only we'd had this for big brother). And from then until around 6am Zoë sleeps, waking up to nurse, but then going right back to sleep. Amazing.

Daytime sleep is something else, though. She fights naps a like a champ and, unlike her big brother, isn't lulled to sleep by nursing. So she is awake happily for about an hour after she eats, but then is overtired but can't put herself to sleep yet. So we end up rocking, bouncing, singing, walking, patting, shh-shhing, and watching her eyes blink slower and slower until they finally flutter shut. For about 5 minutes. Then they POP open and we are back to square one. And heaven forbid you set her down after she has fallen asleep.

Birth Story

2011-10-05T22:01:00.000-04:00

So its been almost three weeks since Zoe was born and I am hoping that gives me a good balance between remembering her labor and delivery with some accuracy and having enough oxytocin built up in my system to have taken the harshest edges off my memories. So here goes...

Since it didn't result in a baby being born it wasn't true labor, but contractions began on Labor Day (Sept. 5). Strong enough and regular enough that I called my parents and was fully expecting to see our little princess that day. But she had other ideas. The contractions subsided somewhat, from every 10 min to 1 or 2 per hour for the next two weeks. Occasionally they would pick up again- every 10 min for an hour or two- and we would wonder, "Is this it?!?" But no. School started for me and life went on as normal, or as close to it as you can get when you are fully expecting your water might break at any moment.

I had my 39 week check-up on the 16th. I told the midwife I was sick and tired of pregnancy and really wanted to get things started, so she swept my membranes during the exam. I left telling her I hoped I would see her later that evening. And sure enough, contractions started again by dinnertime. We put Jonathan to bed and waited. They were getting closer and stronger and I was knew that this time was it. My mom booked a flight. Jim's parents were on red alert for coming over to watch Jonathan when we decided it was time to go. Around 9pm we went to bed, hoping to get a few hours of rest before things really got moving. Around 1:30am I woke up with enough discomfort that I wasn't able to sleep. Jim's parents came around 2:30 and we watched The Office for a few hours. At 6am we decided it was really time to go, so we headed to the hospital.

The midwife measured me at 4cm when we arrived. We did laps around L&D until 10am when they remeasured me to be at 5cm. And at that point I decided to quit; 4 hours per 1cm was not going to be an acceptable pace. I was exhausted- tired of the tease that my body had been giving me for the past two weeks. I realized that I hadn't really come to the hospital mentally prepared for what lay ahead. With Jonathan I was pumped- this was it and I was ready to take on childbirth and do it drug free. This time I was tired. Tired from being up since 1:30am, tired of being pregnant, tired of contractions, tired of waiting, tired of thinking "maybe this is it" and being wrong, tired of the anticipation.

So when Nell, the midwife, said she thought she should break my water to get labor back on track, I knew I needed to say yes. I knew that breaking my water would mean a sure path forward in this process. But it would also mean I would be facing a new level of pain and require a mental fortitude I wasn't sure I had. What I really wanted to do was say 'forget it, I quit', but quitting isn't really an option during labor. So I took a deep breath and said yes.

Nell broke my water and almost instantly I hit transition- hard. My contractions went from taking my breath away to making me scream. I had forgotten that feeling. The one that you are being pulled apart from the inside. The kind of pain that removes all capacity for rational thought and modesty. I got in the birthing tub and that helped, a little. And after about an hour, I was at 10cm and ready to push.

Because there had been meconium in the amniotic fluid, the pediatrician and nursery nurse were in the room as soon as I started pushing and wanted to get Zoe out fast (a mutual goal). With Jonathan pushing had been terrible; every push felt like horrible ripping pain. But this time it felt right; it felt like this was what my body needed to be doing. I could focus on pushing with each breath instead of the pain of each contraction. I pushed for about 20 minutes and then Nell said that since Zoe's heart rate was going down during the contractions, I needed to get her out in the next 2 pushes or she was going to do an episiotomy. That did it for me. Her head was out on the next push. And I was done. I saw Zoe laying on the bed next to me, umbilical cord still connecting us and I cried. I cried with relief that I was done. I cried for joy as I felt my heart expand. I cried with the wonderful and terrible knowledge that I loved this little one with the kind of love that will bear any pain and sacrifice everything without a second thought.

The pediatrician checked Zoe and she was great- 7lbs 15oz and 20" long. Her umbilical cord was twisted up like a telephone cord (presumably from her constant flips in utero) so that it was only 12" long instead of a typical 20" (hence the dropping heart rate). They handed her back to me and the rest of the world became a blur. This perfect little package, wrapped in the hospital receiving blanket, was finally here nothing else seemed to matter very much.

Jonathan

2011-10-01T19:47:00.003-04:00

In the whirlwind of excitement surrounding a new baby and all of those changes, it would be easy to forget the fantastic stage that Jonathan is at right now. Two and a half certainly has its challenges, and while we have our battles of willpower and tantrums, he is a completely charming and wonderful little boy. So here are some current highlights from the world of Jonathan:

Here he is today at a "Touch-A-Truck" event:

Right now his favorite song is I'll Make a Man Out of You from the Disney movie Mulan. He is crazy about the video of this on YouTube and insists that it be sung to him as a lullaby. He wakes up singing it and sings it over lunch, dinner, and while riding in the car. I think my favorite aspect of this is that in the morning when he wakes up, we hear his sweet little voice singing lines like "Let's get down to business to defeat the Huns" or "Heed my every order, and you might survive".

He started in a new preschool class earlier this month, and while I didn't get a first day of school picture, this is at least from the first month! He loves going to school and coming home to teach us how to do things like sit "criss-cross applesauce" or do the "head and shoulders" dance.

We have peanut-butter and honey sandwiches for lunch every day. He loves eating peanut-butter off of a spoon and when I say "here's some honey for my honey". He also continues to be the slowest eater of all time. 45 min on lunch today and he only made it through his sandwich and 3 out of 4 apple slices!

He loves reading. When Gramma pulled out a book today and said "Jonathan, I have a new book for you and Zoë", his response was to literally bounce up and down and say "That is so exciting!". He is currently fascinated by a book about a tiger called Augustus who lost his smile.

Jonathan continues to be a little conversationalist. When there is a lull in the conversation he will look someone in the eye and say: "So, how was your wonderful day?" He also goes out of his way to answer questions in complete sentences. Even yes and no questions. For instance: "Jonathan, would you like cheese with lunch?" "Yes, I would like cheese"

Oh, writing this makes me want to run upstairs right now, give him one more good night kiss and tickle his adorable little boy toes!!

1 to 2

2011-09-27T20:36:00.000-04:00

I am amazed at how fast the transition is from pregnant to mommy. The few hours of labor and a 24 hour stay in the hospital and suddenly I am at home, a mother of two...

Yesterday I looked down at myself and found that I was sitting on the kitchen floor nursing a semi-fussy, squirmy Zoë in one hand while attempting to control the mess that was Jonathan discovering the feeling of squishing play-dough with his toes. All I could think was "What have you gotten yourself into? This is going to be an entirely new level of chaos!"

But so far, the transition is going well. Having my mom here is a god-send.

Between her and having Jim home on paternity leave last week, there has always been a free hand to give hugs, find snacks, and play with Jonathan while still rocking Zoë, cleaning up spit-up, and changing those ridiculously small diapers.

I still feel like there is a lot to learn about the logistics of how to do three things with two hands. For example how to do bath time, or cook dinner, go to the grocery store, or wrangle two kiddos plus backpacks and lunch bags into preschool. But while I'm sure there is a learning curve, I know we'll figure out a system that works.

My main concern about the transition from 1 child to 2 children was that Jonathan would feel replaced/ignored/neglected/jealous with the new little one needing so much and taking the attention from him. Especially since he is something of a ham and has been quite a mommy's boy. So I tried to prepare him for some of the changes ahead of time- that Mommy was going to have to go to the hospital for a few days to have the baby, that he could come visit us there, that sometimes babies cry, etc. I brought a present for him with me to the hospital so he would associate it and the new baby with something nice. I've been trying to phrase things so as to give him ownership of the baby- his sister, our baby, etc. And I've been trying to go out of my way to notice what he is doing and give him attention even while I am taking care of Zoë. And so far, so good. He's had moments of jealousy (like when we went to church and were swarmed with people wanting to see the baby and not him), but mostly he is doing well. He seems a touch more emotional and tired, but mostly he is is silly cheerful self- more interested in his ball-popper than in a sleeping baby.

But he has been so gentle and loving with her and so excited when she watches him play or he can comment on what she is doing. Tonight he wanted to hold her and thought it was hilarious when she watched him play peek-a-boo with her. He is a sweetheart and is going to be a great big brother!

We'll see what happens when some of the extra help goes away and 'real life' resumes! But for now, as always, we are figuring it out one day at a time!

Zoë

2011-09-22T10:10:00.000-04:00

This past weekend we finally welcomed Zoë Rebekah into our family!!

The last year of waiting for her has been a tremendous one. Just over a year ago we had our miscarriage and it rocked my world in a way I didn't know could be done. Hope and life and came crashing down around me at a time when I was least expecting it. And everything last fall and winter was tainted with the sense that something horrible and devistating could be lurking around every corner. When we got pregnant again, I could barely let myself believe it. I kept expecting the other shoe to drop.

But sitting here this morning with her napping on my lab while big brother is off to preschool, I am overwhelmed with the new joy and hope that has come into our lives. We have the most beautiful perfect little baby girl I can imagine.

Zoë means life. Not life like run of the mill, physical, "bios" life, but life like the infinite and grand phenomena of life.

Life like the spirit of things new and fresh and full of wonder. Life like joy and fullness and hope restored.

Life like what sparkles in her eyes when she opens them and focuses on your face.

Life like the gentle way she grips my finger when I put it in her hand. Life like all of the sweet and the bitter parts mixed into a fierce torrent that sweeps you away.

patience

2011-09-07T21:15:00.000-04:00

So for me, the notable thing about this evening is that I am sitting on my sofa blogging and watching The Office. I am NOT in the hospital having this baby. I started having contractions on Sunday night, they were small, but getting stronger and I thought we could have a baby by Monday (perfect for Labor Day- right?). But my body and the baby have other plans, apparently, because here it is Wednesday night and still no baby and very few contractions.

I am mostly OK with this. I am sick of being pregnant. And I do want to meet this little girl. But the right time will come, and that will be the best. The thing that is hard about this point in the pregnancy is that I spend half of my time and energy preparing for the possibility of going into labor in the next 12 hours (are my bags packed? did I leave my lesson plans all ready to be out of work for 12 weeks? Is Jonathan's lunch packed for school tomorrow?), and the other half preparing myself for waiting another several weeks. It would be great to just KNOW. Patience is not really my thing. Being prepared is. So this is driving me crazy. I suppose parenting is nothing if not a lesson in patience and relinquishing control, and this is just a continuation of this lesson.

back to school

2011-08-30T19:17:00.005-04:00

So I am back to school this week. The kids aren't here yet, but teachers are back doing lesson plans, setting up desks, and attending endless meetings. This end of summer transition is always really really hard for me. This time of year is a stark reminder for me that I cannot do it all. I grew up firmly believing that I was capable of anything- that nothing I put my mind to was too hard or beyond my reach. That belief has inspired me to do things about which I am immensely proud- run a marathon, major in physics, etc. But what I have a hard time with is the idea that I cannot have or be all things all at once. That once I've made a choice, it closes other doors. That I cannot, for example, work a full time job and be a stay at home Mommy. And that is really really hard for me.

To my mind, the summer is this amazing time where I get to be Mommy full time, while still maintaining my identity as an independent, career woman. But then Fall hits and I am actually back to working and the illusion of having it all comes down around my ears. I start to question everything about my life choices and feel like I am failing on all fronts. Failing at spending those precious moments playing trains and chase and reading stories. Failing at going the extra mile for all of my students. I suddenly feel like the balance I strike makes me mediocre at everything.

For the past two years once we've gotten into the groove of the year, I see how great it is for Jonathan to be in school. And I see how great it is for me to have a career that is mine and that I really do love. And I see how OK the balance actually is. And I start to feel good about my choices again. But this year, I don't think that groove will be as easy to find. It is hard to see a vision for a school year when I don't know if I will be out on maternity leave starting tomorrow, next week, or three weeks from now. And once the baby comes... well life with a newborn is anything but "settled". So hopefully I will find some way to relax into the tension that is my current life. For now I'm taking a lot of deep breaths and trying to extend myself a little extra grace.

37 weeks

2011-08-27T07:23:00.000-04:00

So as my weekly pregnancy update email has reminded me, starting this weekend I am officially "full term"! And what could be better timing wise than to have a hurricane bearing down on us this weekend? Perfect. At least the hospital is only one mile away- even if the streets remain impassible for weeks, I could still probably make it there walking. (Or perhaps DH could push me in the jogging stroller). I guess life is nothing if not an adventure!

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy

2011-08-26T13:08:00.005-04:00

Jonathan has been amazing me lately with how his imagination is getting more and more extensive. A few days ago he was playing with his toy fishing rod on the sofa. He had arranged all of his fish on the floor beneath him and was laying on the sofa attempting to catch them with his toy fishing rod/hook.

When he had caught them all, he announced that he needed to cook them. Something along the lines of "I need to take the fish home to bake. Mommy! Get me a pan!" So I obliged and next thing I knew he had his cutting food out and was cutting up carrots and tomatoes to put in the pan along with the fish. I asked if he needed anything else for the soup and he said "Umm, I think it needs some spices".

He stirred it and cooked it and kept tasting it and adding more chili powder until he announced that it was ready and we needed some bowls. He carefully poured it into bowls and gave one to me and then "ate" one himself.

I loved that he had worked out the whole scene from catching the fish to cooking them to serving the soup in bowls with virtually no input from me!

books- how novel

2011-08-22T21:36:00.010-04:00

Jonathan has been on a book craze over the past week or so. Every day at some point the ONLY thing he wants to do is sit and read book after book after book. Yesterday we probably read 15-20 books in a row (some of them multiple times) before he lost interest. It has been so much fun not only to hear how he talks about the characters and plots and what he sees as we read, but also how it pops up in his conversation later in the day. Little phrases like "that was a big success" or "in the whole wide world" that wouldn't normally be part of a 2 year old vocabulary come popping out of his mouth and make me laugh. I love that something so simple and so cozy can be such a powerful tool in expanding his world. Here are a few of our favorites this week:

I picked One Yellow Lion up at a consignment sale. It is a pretty basic counting book, but something about the fold out pages and ways the animals interact on the last page has made this a favorite for a long time.

We picked out Flap Your Wings at the library on our last run because we have loved PD Eastman so much in the past (Go Dog Go! is amazing). Jonathan loves to be "surprised" at the alligator popping out of the egg every time we read it. He also loves the idea that the alligator is growing bigger and bigger and bigger just like him!

While the rhyme scheme in Dinosaurumpus isn't Tony Mitton's best (I think everyone in our house can sing all the words to his Airplanes book), the actions and the cute dinosaurs are great. Perfect for a kiddo who is starting to fall in love with dinos, but likes them to all be "the friendly ones".

I don't remember how An Island in the Sun came to be on our bookshelf, but it has fun, quirky artwork (including a boy with blue hair and a polka-dot dog) that is whimsical and fun. The rhyme is catchy and builds page by page. Jonathan loves that the dog is waiting for the boy and that they go fishing "till the end of the day".

I am also rediscovering the joy of books. I finished a book about a month ago, and have been putting off figuring out what to read next because I am awful at picking out books. But with my pregnancy insomnia flaring up again, I needed something to get me out of my own brain and to occupy me from 11pm-3am (instead of just roaming the house snacking). I never quite know how to pick out a new novel, but I braved the used book store down the street and came home with three: Blue Shoe by Anne Lamotte, Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver, and The Piano Teacher by Janice Lee. I just started Blue Shoe and love it. It is so peaceful to sit and read in the middle of the night with a cup of tea. Almost peaceful enough to put me to sleep. Almost. But not quite.

Belly Pic - 35 weeks

2011-08-18T15:00:00.004-04:00

So here I am at 35 weeks and up 35 pounds!

And while I am terrified and having nightmares about being prepared to bring a baby home, I am ready to not be pregnant any more. I am having a hard time getting in and out of chairs and I consciously tell myself not to waddle.

But then this morning when I glimpsed myself in the mirror, I realized how weird and wonderful it was that there was truly a little person inside. Doing her little dance and awaiting her debut into this family. I watched as I saw her doing some sort of dramatic kick was clearly visible outside my skin and thought- this is amazing. So while I am tired of the heartburn, insomnia, exhaustion, and vericose veins, it is pretty incredible what is going on inside of that enormous tummy.

Nursery- almost done!

2011-08-16T13:17:00.004-04:00

So with only 5 weeks left until my official due date (which I think is probably a few days too late), my entire brain seems to be consumed with baby preparation. This is no longer keeping me up tossing and turning all night (I'm not sure I slept more than 10 hours total during the week last week), but it is keeping me busy. We moved that beautiful dresser upstairs and are finishing up the nursery. It is looking good so far. Since the kiddos are going to share a room, I've been trying to meld the boy and girl styles, but the room is kind of split down the middle at this point.

Here is the view as you first walk in the door:

As you turn to your left, you see the girl part of the room. (Mostly done except the crib mattress and potentially a rug).

As you keep turning 180 degrees, past the door where you entered, you come to the boy portion of the room.

And if you keep turning, you encounter the disaster portion:

I foresee a constant battle between Mommy and the proliferation of toys and chaos for the next 18 years or so. But I would really like to have a place for everything where it can be out of sight and then found easily again (at least once in a while). Our current "organization" for upstairs toys and books is seriously lacking at the moment. I'm thinking canvas bins and perhaps more of a book display rack rather than a book shelf. Anyone found anything that works for keeping toddler books in some sort of easily accessible, orderly fashion?

Project Dresser

2011-08-13T19:49:00.000-04:00

You know how you behave differently around different people? Well, I have one friend in particular who brings out the very bravest in me and spurs me on to tackle projects that are really much larger than I think I can handle. So a few weeks ago when she visited and I told her that one of the things we really needed for the nursery was a white dresser, she took me shopping and picked out this from Goodwill:

Notice it is not white. She also convinced me that painting it white was a totally reasonable project and even went to the hardware store with me to get advice and to buy sand paper, primer and paint. Then her visit was over and she left. I can't say somewhere along the way (primarally during the sanding phase) I didn't regret her influence. But DH helped with the sanding. And after a coat of primer and a few coats of white paint I was feeling much better about the project (and our friendship).

I picked out some great new knobs

And now, thanks to a great friend, I have a fantastic dresser all set in the nursery!

One Ugly Tomato

2011-08-13T09:45:00.005-04:00

At this point in the year I typically look out at my garden and assess its success.

This year: pathetic.

beans: have climbed the trellis up and down and sideways (making a fun tunnel for Jonathan) but have yet to produce one bean or one flower

cucumbers: out of 6 plants, yield = 2. One ripened when I was out of town and got too big by the time I got home. One we ate.

onions: small harvest of small onions.

okra: plants look very nice, but seem to produce only 1 or 2 pods per week- which makes it difficult to use in the kitchen

peppers: as always they are limping along. so far 1 pepper

basil: half the plants died, the other half are enough to keep us supplied with pesto.

Of my large tomato plants, only one has produced anything more than food for hornworms. And it is quite possibly the ugliest tomato I have ever seen:

The only decent spot in the garden is my collection of Roma tomato plants. The leaves are being eaten by flea-beetles and so they look pretty bad, but they are still producing like crazy.

All of this begs the question of whether it is worth it or not. Honestly I don't put that much work into the garden (and I suppose it shows). So for the time invested a few cucumbers, peppers, basil and a plethora of Romas isn't too bad. But I am always so disappointed when I survey the plants in August and begin to pull up the ones that have not and will not produce for whatever reason. Alas. Maybe next year will I will be more diligent and have a better crop.

Cleaning & Scrubbing

2011-08-09T19:45:00.005-04:00

My mom cross-stitched this sign to hang in our nurseries when my brother and I were babies. It is such a good reminder of what is important- and what is not. Jonathan has been fascinated by letters and words lately and wants everything read aloud to him (and then spelled letter by letter.) So we've read this sign above his changing table a lot over the past few weeks!

In case you didn't quite catch it the words are:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow

Babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Cucumber Limeade

2011-08-06T19:35:00.002-04:00

Last week I found myself with a huge overabundance of cucumbers. We'd eaten them in salads, with couscous, plain, in tzadziki, etc. And while I love the summery-freshness they bring, I was SICK of eating them. So I decided to try to drink them. I took the three I had still sitting on the counter, chopped them coarsely and popped them into the blender:

I strained the green goo through a sieve and popped the very green juice into the refrigerator.

I had seen some recipes for lime-cucumber beverages, but they all involved juicing limes and making simple syrup. I was feeling lazy. So I mixed equal parts premade limeade, cucumber juice, and tonic water. Voila! A super easy and super refreshing drink! And even better if you muddle some mint in the bottom of the glass first! Kind of like a pregnant ladies' mojito!

Jonathan liked it too and has even on occasion requested cucumber juice to be added to his lemonade since then!

T-Ball

2011-08-05T09:14:00.006-04:00

Yesterday morning, Jonathan was CRAZY. Completely manic. Running. Jumping. Throwing things. Wacking balls with his make shift "wacket" (a tupperware lid). And I realized that his throwing arm has developed significantly so that he can really do some damage. I knew we had to get out of the house before there was a disaster and I totally lost my cool. So I finally broke out the T-Ball set I bought for his birthday way back in May. (I never gave it to him on account of the glut of presets he had already recieved). Thankfully it was tolerable outside (only 85 degrees) and we had a great time. Jonathan seemed to know what to do with no instruction whatsoever. Here is his first attempt at bat:

butterflies

2011-08-03T14:10:00.004-04:00

Our latest painting project has been to make butterflies! I picked up some small sized plain white coffee filters at the store a few weeks ago and broke them out on one of the recent days when it has been too hot to play outside for long.

I decided to limit our paint to some bright warm colors, instead of allowing blue and red and orange to all mix together into a big brown mess, and Jonathan didn't complain too much that his paint tray had only red, yellow and orange. He dove right in with the brushes, his hands, and finally just outright wadding up the coffee filters and dipping them in the paint. The tricky part was laying them out flat again to dry (a few ripped too badly to be used in the final product)

When they were dry, I folded them with accordion folds and had Jonathan help me put two each along with a bit of green ribbon into the mouths of small sized IKEA chip clips. And voila! Butterflies! Jonathan had a blast running around the house with them making them fly along behind him.

When he tired of that game, I used some push pins to secure them to the ceiling. So now these beauties are hanging in our sunroom! I love it. I am actually thinking of making something similar for a "mobile" of sorts for above the baby's crib.

argue

2011-07-31T14:43:00.003-04:00

Jonathan's latest vocabulary word is "argue". As in that is his favorite thing to do. Here are a sampling of this morning's conversations:

J: What am I eating?

Me: You are eating applesauce.

J: No. I am not eating applesauce.

Me: No? What are you eating?

J: applesauce

Me: Which movie do you want to watch?

J: Elmo's ducks

Me (showing him the youtube thumbnail): This one?

J: Yes.

(starting the movie)

J: NO NO NO! No Elmo's ducks!

Me: You don't want to watch Elmo's ducks?

J: No!

Me: (stopping movie). Ok. What do you want to watch?

J: I want Elmo's ducks!!

J: Mommy want to argue?

Me: No, not really.

J: Yes argue.

Me: No.

J: Yes.

Me: AAaargh!!

Pockasils

2011-07-30T15:07:00.000-04:00

I have become a fan of making popsicles. Or as they are called around here- pockasils. I picked up some popsicle molds at the grocery store this spring for a dollar each after reading the labels on all of the commercially available fruit-pops. I was determined to find a cheaper, healthier option for us during the hot summer months.

I've made chocolate-banana by pureeing some over-ripe bananas and then adding chocolate milk. Last week I made peach-vanilla pudding pops by mixing pureed peaches and instant vanilla pudding.

My current batch made use of the glut of cantelope that appeared in our fridge this week from our CSA and the leftovers from a fruit tray someone brought to a party.

My basic recipe was to take all of the excess cantaloupe and pop it in the blender. I got about 3 cups of sweet peachy-orange goo. I added 1/2t of vanilla and 1T of honey and poured it into molds. Perfection!

I'm thinking of trying some more gourmet flavors by adding some herbs to the mix. Maybe watermelon-cilantro? Or mint-lime?

buggers

2011-07-29T13:09:00.003-04:00

Our car conversation from yesterday:

Jonathan: "What is that on my finger?"

Me: "I can't see it right now. Where did you find it?"

Jonathan: "In my nose"

Me: "Then it is probably a bugger"

Jonathan: "A bugger!! Buggers in my nose"

a few minutes later...

Jonathan: "I have buggers in my nose. We have buggers for dinner sometimes"

Me: "Do you mean hamburgers like we had last night?"

Jonathan: "Yes! I have hamburgers in my nose!"

elbows

2011-07-15T22:13:00.004-04:00

Since Jonathan's throwing arm has been improving, we've been working on some common sense rules about what can be thrown indoors and what cannot. The rule is basically that squishy things can be thrown; hard things cannot.

One of the other things, apparently, that has been capturing Jonathan's interest is the idea that we have bones. In our Richard Scary book Lowly worm breaks a bone in his foot (OK, so there are some biological/anatomical problems with that, but whatever). So we've told him that we all have bones inside of us to help us stand up, etc. The bones are underneath the hard parts of us- elbows, knees, legs, etc. And the squishy parts of us- tummies, noses, ears, cheeks- don't have bones right underneath.

So this morning I woke up to the sound of Jonathan chatting to his stuffed animals in the crib. His discussion with bear went something like this "Don't throw your elbow. No. Elbows are not squishy. They might hurt somebody. Elbows have bones. Teeth are bones. Don't throw your teeth".

Hot Summer Days

2011-07-13T20:11:00.004-04:00

It has been HOT here for the past few days. The kind of hot and humid that makes me sweat just thinking about opening the door. But with a kiddo who cannot get enough of playing outside- I choose outside over tantrums and never ending whining even on horrid days. So on days when the pool is closed, we bring the water fun to our own backyard!

Onions!!

2011-07-09T14:51:00.005-04:00

We got back from vacation last night, and by 10:30 am I am already overwhelmed with produce.

Before we left, our garden was limping along at its typical pace:

beans struggling up a trellis and cucumbers refusing to grow

tomatoes, basil, and okra

onions that for some reason chose to lay down instead of growing upright

Jonathan helped me survey and do some harvesting in our own garden this morning. Before we left, the onions were close to being done, and when we got back all of their little tops had completely fallen over and turned brown. So we dug them up and set them out to cure.

Many of them remained quite small, but we got a few decent sized ones. Enough to justify $3.99 in sets. We also got a few handfuls of Roma tomatoes (these are the ones that made it out of the garden before being eaten). The beans and okra are shaping up to be failures this year, but the cucumber plants have a few baby cukes.

We then picked up our CSA for the week, and HOLY COW!

I had forgotten what summer bounty they sometimes give us! 4 cucumbers, 4 ears of corn, 1 cantelope, 2 patty-pan squash, an eggplant, an onion, 1 green pepper, and 4 huge tomatoes. The watermelon was our own seperate purchase, but Jonathan and I can probably polish most of it off before the weekend is over! Any ideas for what to do with patty-pans?

Belly Pic- 28 weeks

2011-06-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

Here I am, 28 weeks down and 25lbs up!

Kitchen Success

2011-06-25T20:59:00.004-04:00

Blame it on pregnancy-brain, poor planning, or just bad luck, but I have been having a string of failures in the kitchen. I've managed to mangle brown and serve soy sausage, baked potatoes, pancakes, and pre-made frozen enchiladas among other things. It isn't like I am attempting and failing at souffle or meringue- I can barely make a decent bowl of cereal lately.

But after a conversation about panini sandwiches with my friend Sarah a few days ago (and some of her yummy guacamole), I was inspired to try avocado panini. So tonight I braved two new dishes for which I only kinda-sorta had the ingredients listed on the actual recipe. I used the skins of my failed baked potatoes to make cheesy baked potato skins. And then I used a recipe from Vegetarian Times as a rough guide and layered avocado slices, mozzarella, and dried tomato on some whole wheat English muffins spread with pesto to make panini!

It was a success!!! Jonathan even tried and liked the sandwiches. (Here he is sneaking more after he left the table).

I think his eating bravery is strongly tied to how much he helps me in the kitchen on any given night. So helping to spread pesto, and stuff the sandwiches and then squish them with the cast-iron pan made him willing to try a bite and then then a few more! Here is to more cooking success! And the cutest kitchen helper ever!

dinner conversation

2011-06-22T15:54:00.003-04:00

Last night as we were winding down dinner, Jonathan swung his skinny little legs over the side of his booster seat and started to climb out. As he was climbing down we had the following conversation:

Jonathan: I'm all done. I need to get down now.

Mommy: What are you going to do?

Jonathan: Mmm, I need to go to the store.

Mommy: Which store are you going to?

Jonathan: The grocery store. I need a bag.

Mommy: Oh, what are you going to put in your bag.

Jonathan: Umm, ice cream.

nesting

2011-06-05T21:01:00.004-04:00

Maybe its the end of the school year and my itching to be doing something creative and different with soon-to-be free time this summer. Or maybe it is the pregnancy, but I have been having huge nesting instincts over the past few weeks. I've really, really tried to limit myself to what my brain and free time can handle project wise right now, but with only limited success. But I have finished one project for the new little one, that I am super happy with.

There was a painting I fell in love with when I was pregnant with Jonathan, but when we found out he was a boy, it was obviously not going to work. Plus we don't really have room for Pottery Barn in our budget!

But the idea of making something similar never really left my brain and so now that we are expecting a little princess, I finished my own version that is all ready to hang above her crib!

I actually think I like mine better than the original- and at WAY under the cost of the original!!

Now its on to baby blankets, a new quilt for Jonathan, curtains for our sunroom.....

Belly Pic- 25 weeks

2011-06-04T19:38:00.002-04:00

Here it is! I am up 20 pounds and starting to be a smidge uncomfortable while sitting. Also I am starting to find myself blithely assuming I will fit through openings that I will not (between desks when navigating my classroom- for instance). BUT I went swimming today for the first time in while and was still able to do a flip-turn!

My 2 Year Old

2011-05-20T20:35:00.003-04:00

One of the things I like best about being a Mommy is watching Jonathan's little personality emerging more and more day by day. He surprises me and makes me laugh almost every day. With no particular theme except Jonathan's 2-year-old-ness, these are some of my favorite pictures from the past few weeks:

Jammies and "Bear Shoes"

My little kitchen helper

Feet on the table, just like Daddy

Happy Birthday!

2011-05-14T13:07:00.005-04:00

Mr. Jonathan had his 2nd birthday last weekend. And we celebrated in style!

Cupcakes to represent his favorites:

Streamers and balloons (that are still a huge source of amusement even a week later)

Tot friendly food

Great friends and family

Some entertainment

And some super presents

Jonathan still talks about "his party" and gets very animated talking about it. Meanwhile I can't believe how fast 2 years has flown by!!

the joy of flushing

2011-05-11T18:33:00.000-04:00

Jonathan likes talking about the toilet a lot. He has his own seat that fits on top of the real seat and for the past few weeks has been requesting to sit on it before his bath. Tonight, for the first time, he actually peed in the pot!! I think even he was surprised.

I cheered him on and, when he was done, helped him wipe and let him flush it down. Then, as a congratulations, I told him he could have a piece of candy. He raced into the kitchen after me, eagerly took the candy, ran straight back to the bathroom, and threw it in the toilet. He laughed hysterically as he flushed it down and then, perfectly content, got into the bath.

Belly Pic- 21 weeks

2011-05-08T11:12:00.004-04:00

I can't believe we are already past the half-way mark!! Here is my growing belly from the outside... (please be so kind as to ignore the crazy hair thing I've got going on)

Being half-way not only means I no longer fit in my pants, it ALSO means that we went in for our 20 week ultrasound this past week and... we are having a GIRL!!! Here she is:

Daddy has no baby

2011-05-06T20:26:00.002-04:00

Jonathan and I were "reading" a cooking magazine earlier this week and came across a picture of a quite pregnant woman eating something obnoxiously healthy like raw broccoli. I decided it was time to take the opportunity to talk about how sometimes ladies have babies growing in their tummies. I've mentioned this before to him and he has just looked at me like I am completely insane. This time was no different. But I went to get his baby book and showed him a picture of when I was pregnant with him. I told him that that was when he was in my tummy. He leaned forward, examined the picture closely and then turned around to look at my tummy.

"Mommy's tummy big. Jonathan in Mommy's tummy??"

"You used to be in Mommy's tummy."

He looked up at me suspiciously and then plowed headfirst into my stomach, curling his little legs up underneath so he was a small and spherical as he could get.

"Jonathan get back in Mommy's tummy?"

It took a few minutes to explain to him that (a) he was too big and that (b) nothing fun was in Mommy's tummy (no Daddy, no froggy-blanket, no basketballs...). But finally he stopped ramming my stomach with his head.

Today when I picked him up from preschool, he pointed to my tummy and said "Mommy has a baby in her tummy, but Daddy has no baby."

Where'd he learn that??

2011-05-02T20:16:00.005-04:00

Jonathan has an extensive vocabulary- much of which takes Jim and I by surprise when we hear it pop out of his mouth. He often wanders around singing partial lyrics to nursery rhymes I barely remember all the words to or pulls out appropriate vocabulary that I don't recall from any of our conversations or books. His latest surprising word? Dannit. (I'm not sure I can credit the preschool teachers with this one- though I'm voting to blame Daddy)

He has been experimenting with it at home A LOT today. For example while wrestling with Daddy he got frustrated that he couldn't push Daddy's feet of the sofa and exclaimed "Dannit! Move!" When I put him in the bath before the instant he was ready, he got mad, threw a toy across the tub and yelled "Dannit!" I've been trying to de-emphasize it by ignoring it or pretending it is a non-sense word. But that doesn't seem to be working. His preschool teachers reported that he has also been using it liberally at school and teaching it to other kids. Awesome.

Good Bye Bottle

2011-04-18T20:34:00.005-04:00

23 1/2 months and I am finally packing up the bottles. Last night I decided it was time and I just skipped right from play-time to bath and then on to the bedtime routine, omitting the bottle completely, and Jonathan didn't mention it once. Tonight at around 6:25 he asked for a bottle and so I explained that we were done with bottles because he was getting to be a big boy. He cried and I hugged him and told him I know it was sad because he had liked bottles so much. I reassured him that we would still do bath-time and and pajama-time and story-time and songs before bed (he was particularly worried about stories, and I had to tell him a few times, that YES there would ALWAYS be books before bed). But then he ran to the bath tub and wanted to start the water. We'll see how tomorrow goes, but so far so good!

bathtub conversation

2011-04-17T18:54:00.003-04:00

Tonight in the bathtub Jonathan started to gnaw on the side wall of the tub. The following conversation then ensued:

Me: Jonathan, what are you doing?

Jonathan: Jonathan eating bathtub.

Me: Oh

Jonathan: Mommy sad.

Me: Mommy is sad that you are eating the bathtub?

Jonathan: Yep.

Me (pretending to pout):

Jonathan: OH NO!! Mommy sad!!!

He then proceeded to reach his hand into his mouth, pretend to scoop something out and rub it into the side of the tub.

Jonathan: All better. Mommy happy again.

Announcement

2011-04-16T09:55:00.006-04:00

I was going to wait until 20 weeks, but my students guessed this week and asked me about it, so I guess the cat is sort of out of the bag... I'm pregnant again!! I'm at 18 weeks and we are due mid September!! I've been having a hard time believing that this one is actually going to work out after the miscarriage this fall. But after seeing the baby moving around in an ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, and starting to out-grow my pants, I'm getting more and more excited!! And today I finally decided to brave the belly-picture.

Here is me with a flat belly (taken 5 weeks into the pregnancy this fall):

And here is me today at 18 weeks: (the first one is with my belly normal, the second one with it pushed out)

tot yoga

2011-04-13T19:45:00.007-04:00

Newest super fun "Mommy and Me" activity? Yoga.

Jonathan loves rolling and unrolling the yoga mat. I've also been teaching him yoga poses since he started doing down dog about a year ago on his own. It was SO cute couldn't help but teach him the name so I could ask him to do it on command. He now has quite a repertoire including:

Down Dog:

Mountain:

Warrior:

and tree (which he picked up tonight, but I was unable to photograph because he would only do it while holding my hands)

He likes mimicking new poses and so we spent about 20 minutes tonight practicing various poses interspersed with marching, tip-toeing, and waddling. He especially likes to have me do down dog or plank and then crawl underneath like a tunnel. He usually then requests a "squish with tummy!" by which he means he wants me to do a push-up and squish him with my tummy.

Messy Fun

2011-04-03T19:40:00.003-04:00

How much fun can you have with $1.29?

a LOT.

I promised Jonathan painting this morning, but when it came time, I couldn't find our paint. Alas. I swallowed hard, and broke out a rainy-day idea I'd run across a few weeks ago despite my fear of how much of a mess it would be.

I expected it to take a little bit of encouragement to get my neat-freak boy to be comfortable putting his hands in such gooey stuff. But I sprayed some shaving cream on a cookie sheet and by the time I could pick up my camera, he was off and running!

A few minutes in he did stop to declare "Oh no!! Big Mess!" But then dove right back in!

We added some food coloring,

Got some in our hair,

and had a great time!

Yes, there was shaving cream everywhere. I took his chair out and hosed it off along with our painting table-cloth and the pan. But now, aside from a faint clean scent, the evidence of our mischief is gone! This may be a better outdoor activity once it warms up, but it was certainly great fun!!

March Madness

2011-03-23T20:19:00.004-04:00

With college basketball season at its peak, I thought I would capture a little of the excitement around here....

its beginning to look a lot like.... springtime!!

2011-03-20T19:25:00.004-04:00

The weather around here is starting to seem a lot like spring time. My daffodils are in full bloom, the sun has been shining, and the temps climbing into the 70s. Which means that playing outside is becoming much more fun for Mommy (which is good because it is Jonathan's FAVORITE thing). We move our tot-sized basketball hoop and soccer goal out to the backyard almost every afternoon and last weekend we made our first springtime trip to the botanical gardens.

We had a good time, but I must have called it a "park" once while I was explaining our adventure for the day, because Jonathan was under the distinct impression that we were going to the playground- and kept asking when we would get there. Alas. He may have been happier at our neighborhood swing-set, but I enjoyed the new greenery and fresh air was wonderful!

have it mommy

2011-03-06T19:01:00.004-05:00

Jonathan has always been a pretty big mommy's boy. But that past few weeks have gotten extreme. We went out for dinner as a family on Friday and Jonathan threw a tantrum when Daddy tried to buckle his car seat instead of Mommy. When I put him down on the changing table to change his diaper he will wail and scream "Have it Mommy" as though I have just disappeared totally. He has nightmares multiple times per night where we wakes himself up screaming for me. If I am around will NOT talk to Daddy. He just seems panicky about me being around (or not) all the time. I think it is psychologically related to Daddy having been gone for a week. Maybe he just isn't quite sure about things and thinks physically touching me is the only way to know for sure? I don't know, but it is getting exhausting for everyone around here and I am ready to be done with this phase.

perfect outing

2011-02-27T19:39:00.006-05:00

Yesterday was a fantastic day. Since my parents were in town, we decided to take Jonathan on an outing and take the paddle-boat pedestrian ferry across the river to the children's museum and then ride it back for a picnic lunch by the harbor. And it was perfect.

We arrived at the ferry before they had started running for the day, but Jonathan discovered to his delight that he could scare the seagulls by running towards them. He spent the 20 minutes we waited for the boat running back and forth across the docks after the birds, watching them flutter away and laughing with delight. The memory of his bouncing toddler run (where he looks like he might take-off after every step) accompanied by his perfect joy-filled laugh is one of the images I hope to never lose from my mind.

The boat itself was also a huge hit. The paddlewheel was mesmerizing and watching for the other boats and waving to the captain were all terrific.

And our little children's museum was a perfect destination. About an hour's worth of activity before heading back for lunch and nap-time.

It is amazing to me how having family in town motivates me to finally take adventures I've been pondering for moths and helps me enjoy even the simplest things more and take set backs with a little more ease. If only every day was so full of family, fun, and magic!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T19:20:00.000-05:00

I've always hated the sappy commercialized romanciness of this holiday. But I have always loved the cheesy artsy-craftsy construction paper hearts and glitter version. So instead of going out for some sort of fancy candlelight dinner and leaving Jonathan home with a sitter, we are staying in and eating cookies!

Happy Valentine's Day to all!!

indoor fun

2011-02-13T19:23:00.006-05:00

Over the past few weeks, a number of bugs have been going around our house and have left all of us just feeling exhausted. Jonathan has been taking 3 hour naps at home and asking to go to bed early. And we've been right behind him!! That plus the cold weather and a snow day has meant that we've had to improvise and be creative to stay entertained in the house all day. Here are some pics from our exploits...

I cut up an old sweet potato to make stamps- the triangle and square were easy, the circle took more work. Jonathan loved banging them from the paint pan onto the paper and was very excited to point out the shapes and then count them ( as in "one, two, free, six triangles!").

Then, during snack time, I realized that his chex-mix contained bits of circles, squares, and triangles. So I pulled out the his paintings and he matched the corresponding snack shapes with his paintings.

Yesterday I got this idea from another blog and mixed together a bunch of almost empty pantry wares- a few tablespoons each of a bunch of kinds of rice and lentils and barley. Then I collected some various plastic containers and scoops and put it all in a 9x13 pan. This was the jackpot. It kept Jonathan raptly entertained for over an hour. (though it did require some major sweeping later)

Making play-dough is on our list next!

Jonathan-isms 20.5 months

2011-01-25T19:47:00.004-05:00

Here are a few of my favorite Jonathan-isms of the moment:

He has started calling me "Mommy" instead of "Mama".
He can count pretty well when prompted, but I often catch him singing to himself "One, free, four, six, one, free, four, six".
He ends all verbs with "it" as in "Jonathan have it cookie?" or "Crash it cars!" or "Shoot it basketball!!"
He loves sitting on the counter to 'help' me cook. And once the food is sorted, is enthralled with the nesting doll measuring cups Santa left in my stocking.
When something is upside down, he will fix it and then declare "Up-side up!"
When he finishes a task and no one congratulates him, he takes it upon himself to say "good-job"
If something falls or makes any sort of loud banging noise, he looks up in delight and says "Crash Bang Boom!"
After we tuck him in at night he sings himself to sleep. Usually a round of "Away in a manger" that blends seamlessly into "Twinkle twinkle little star"

sorting

2011-01-25T19:39:00.004-05:00

Since it has been (mostly) too cold to play outside much lately, we have resorted to a lot of creative indoor play to ward off the crazies. I bought these paints a few weeks ago, but haven't been quite brave enough to break out painting again. But Jonathan took an affinity to the bottles and has spent hours putting them into and out of the box. In a rare stroke of genius, I decided to see if he could sort them by colors- so I took a sheet of drawing paper and colored squares on it with a marker and voila, a sorting toy.

here he is mid-sort, sporting his "bear shoes"

Jonathan loves it and calls the game "bottles". But after sorting it a few times and having me name each color as he put them on the squares, he knows almost all of his colors!! If only I had the creativity to come up with this stuff more often!!

Christmas 2010

2011-01-08T20:06:00.007-05:00

So after being home for a week, I am finally putting up pictures from our Christmas trip. We had a great time!!

showing Jonathan how to crash his toy cars

sledding with Uncle Brian

sledding is fun, but hard to compete with shooting snowballs into a basketball hoop!

Being with family is great. It always reminds me about the important things and makes me so grateful for all of the blessings I have. I miss you guys already!!!

crashes

2011-01-04T20:06:00.004-05:00

We just recently turned Jonathan's car seat around so that he is now forward facing. I love it for several reasons including the increased ease of passing snacks and toys into the backseat and that with his new view on the world, Jonathan and I do a lot more chatting about what we see. For example today as we were pulling up to a red light behind a pickup:

Me: Jonathan do you see the truck?

Jonathan: Truck!! Crash the truck!! Crash the truck!!

Me: No, honey, we don't want to have crashes with real cars.

Jonathan: Crash the truck? Momma, crash the truck!

He persisted in instructing me to crash into every parked car we passed on the ride home.

New Year's Reflection

2010-12-31T20:21:00.007-05:00

Last New Year's Eve I thought a lot about the things in my life I wanted to change and what I wanted the new year to bring. This year I'm not in a place where I can do that. I feel like I barely have my feet under me and like I am in no place to gaze into the future and make goals (though I would like to make it to the gym a little more often). Instead, I am feeling more retrospective and have been thinking a lot about the changes we have all undergone over the past 12 months.

Jonathan has gone through phase after phase that has seemed so intense and immediate and unending- but they have (almost) all ended and gone into the next equally intense and unique phase. From crawling to walking to running and tip-toeing. From nursing almost exclusively to slopping through jars of baby food and gumming cheerios to wielding a fork and spoon on his own with skill and eating dinner with the family from his own plate. From formless babbles to one syllable words to speaking in sentences and attempting to carry the melody while singing the entire lyrics of songs. He has gained 9 teeth (including 4 molars) and has graduated to the big bathtub. He still smiles and laughs almost all the time and thinks with his tongue out. He still has a boundless love for all things ball (in March his first word was ball and today he chose to sit and watch basketball on TV with Daddy instead of coming upstairs for cookies). And he is still a complete joy and wonder for which I am grateful every day.

Looking at old pictures and video, the change in that kiddo this year is astounding. I guess a year will do that when it comprises over half of your life.

I have not grown or changed as much as Jonathan this year, but I have weathered a few storms and heartbreaks and have worked really hard to live in the moment and enjoy every second I have for what it is. I like to think that I am wiser and that some of the experiences of this year will leave me changed for the positive. I like to think that I am more compassionate, more willing to say "yes" and "no" at the right times, more comfortable with who I am and who I am not, and more able to weather the ups and downs that life throws my way. I have no idea what 2011 holds; I'm sure there will be laughter and tears. My hope is that I am able to focus on the true and meaningful parts of life more and more. That I am able to see more clearly what this life is and what it is not. And that I am brave enough to not turn away when the going gets tough.

christmas tree

2010-12-24T14:54:00.005-05:00

Jonathan loves art at school and always talks about his paintings and coloring projects with great pride. So, partially inspired by a blog by a super creative mom, I decided to brave the world of paint and a 1 year old. I changed him into an old set of clothes that I never liked anyway, covered the dining room table with an old outdoor tablecloth and set to dipping little hands in green paint.

Jonathan LOVED it. I tried to be cool and laid back, but really I was on pins and needles the entire time he was banging his little hands around in the paint. I stayed calm on the outside until he started turning around and putting his hands on the chair. And then I only let out a little yelp of panic, and quickly wiped up the mess. I still need to work on some logistical details (tips on smocks anyone?) but at was doable and I think we will be doing more painting at home.

I spent some time last night cutting out tiny hand prints (40 in all)

and gluing them to a background

So today we had more craft-time decorating the Christmas Tree! I'm not sure I Jonathan recognized that the tree was made from his hand-prints or not. But he enjoyed the stickers and shiny bows nonetheless. And I had fun too!

Christmas Projects

2010-12-22T15:46:00.004-05:00

In my mind the evenings before Christmas are filled with quiet egg-nog drinking and relaxing in front of a sparkling tree. In actuality the evenings are usually filled with exhaustion and chaos, half-completed projects and a constant stress that not everything will get done perfectly. I make mental lists, but never seem to make progress in checking them off because my brain adds projects faster than I can complete them. To be clear, I love projects and crafts. The process of imagining and creating things is one of the things that makes me feel the most alive inside. However, I typically have no discernment about how many things I can take on at once. And I never give myself a break. (Perfectionism is one of the things I used to talk to my therapist about on almost every visit.) I am trying really really hard this year, however, to not beat myself up about not getting it all done and take the time to sit back and enjoy my time with Jonathan. So if you don't get our Christmas card until January, assume it is because I was taking the time to help Jonathan play with our nativity scene or enjoy the magic of Christmas lights.

That being said, I still have a list of projects to complete before Friday, and I finished the most major one today. Years ago, before there was a Jonathan on the horizon, I hand quilted stockings for Jim and myself. Back in those days I had the time to piece a complicated pattern, hand quilt it and embroider our initials. Back in those days I couldn't really imagine why I wouldn't be able to do the same if and when we were adding stockings to our mantle. This year when I realized the time commitment in making one for Jonathan, I almost threw them out bought new ones for all three of us. But I love our stockings and I love that I made them. So last week I braved the snowstorm and took Jonathan to the fabric store to pick out some new fabrics. And after spending hours in the evenings and during nap times, today I finished the final stitches!!

Who knows if I will finish knitting hats and beading necklaces and baking cookies and writing cards. But Jonathan has a stocking and a Mommy who has resolved to enjoy the magic of the season!!

Jonathan Narrates "At the Beach"

2010-12-18T18:51:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite things is to have Jonathan "read" books to me. Here is his version of "At the Beach"

"Bucket"

"Shovel"

"Hoop!! Shoot it basketball!!! Two Points!"

Either he's missing that the book has an overall theme or else believes that basketball goes with anything. I'm guessing the latter.

Jonathan dump it?

2010-12-16T20:00:00.004-05:00

Jonathan is a huge talker. Not only does he continually narrate his every move, but he also tells you in advance/asks permission for everything he is about to do. For example today one of our major activities was moving every one of his socks from his sock drawer to the laundry hamper and back. One. At. A. Time. And every time he got to the hamper, he would look at me and say "Jonathan sock in it?" and wait for me to give him the OK to put the sock in the hamper.

The upside is that he not only asks permission to do ridiculously benign things, but also asks about activities like throwing things in the toilet or hitting the dog with the pool noodle. Today at dinner he picked up his cup, looked at me and said "Jonathan dump it?". No sweetie, you cannot dump your milk on the floor. He will then re-ask the question 500 times, but will usually eventually take no for an answer. I imagine our ask-first days are numbered, but I'm enjoying them for now!!

Mommy's Helper

2010-12-14T20:19:00.003-05:00

Jonathan LOVES helping in the kitchen. And he LOVES sitting on the counter. Today he was sorting the broccoli from the strainer into the pan. And then back into the strainer. And then back into the pan... the sorting occupied him for over 30 minutes. Here he is smiling for the camera!

bully

2010-12-03T21:37:00.004-05:00

So it turns out Jonathan is the class bully at the preschool. I have seen him scope out a younger kid and push them down before. But lately we have been getting notes from his teachers such as:

"Jonathan has been pushing children down0 we've talked to him about his. Please talk to him at home".

"Still pushing quite a bit- we are talking to him about this and making him sit out for a few minutes"

"Quite a bit of hitting right before nap."

or (more hopefully)

"Less pushing today!! Jonathan really enjoys art class"

Upon discussing this with the teachers, I have come to learn that he specifically targets one little girl in his class. Great. So when we read books about other children, I try to emphasize that we are gentle with other children like we are gentle with the dog. I try to catch him in the act of being nice (or naughty) and reinforce, but I'm not around him with other kids that much. I guess I am glad that he has a confident temperament and that he isn't the kid letting someone push him around. But gee I wish he wasn't the class bully at 18 months old.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T12:13:00.003-05:00

Here is wishing you and yours a happy Thanksgiving weekend!

piggies

2010-11-18T21:54:00.004-05:00

Today on the way home from preschool, Jonathan was chatting away to himself in his car seat:

"Pants on. Shoes on. Socks on. Piggies on. Market. Home. Wee wee wee"

melancholy

2010-11-18T21:34:00.005-05:00

I have been having a tough time the last week and a half. I'm trying to put on a brave face, and to stop and enjoy the (finally) crisp fall air, to notice the breathtakingly red and orange treetops against the clear blue sky. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and focus on the blessings I have today. But it hasn't been working. I have had an overwhelming sense of helplessness and disorientation, a feeling that I am stuck here in this season of melancholy with no way of controlling much of anything.

I haven't been feeling overtly sad about the miscarriage. But it sneaks up on me in little, unexpected ways all the time. From not worrying about an extra cup of coffee or a glass of wine, to finding the baby-bjorn I'd bought the week before the miscarriage. Getting the bill for the D&C in the mail, putting up Jonathan's outgrown 12 month pants in a box with the other clothes we are saving for a future baby. And all of those little pings are building up in my psyche. My subconscious keeps them all stored up until they leak out in weird and disturbing dreams, diffuse bouts of melancholy, sudden teary episodes in the grocery line, or crazy schemes that stem from my desire to find new direction in my life.

I guess this is how grief from loss always goes. You feel absence around every corner, and over time new loves and patterns soften the edges and fill in some of the little holes. But the big ones stick around for a while. I think the only thing to do is to try to keep moving forward. To keep choosing to love and see the present moments for what they are and to dwell in the joyful bits of each day.

the grass is always greener

2010-11-15T21:41:00.004-05:00

Jonathan has starting wanting things simply because he is told that they are out of reach or off limits or belong to someone else. If he is anything like his momma he will be struggling against this defiant streak for the rest of his life. I am simultaneously amused and disturbed by the strength and consistency of this trend. Tonight, for instance, when it became clear that he was avoiding the carrots on his plate, carefully maneuvering around them to only eat pizza, I piled them all up in a neat pile on his plate and declared that that they were mine. I ate a bite or two and then commented again that they were Mommy's carrots. When I told him that they were "not for Jonathan", his response was immediate. He went from blithely stabbing at pieces of pizza with his fork to honing in on the carrots exclusively (and stabbing at me with his fork when I was in his way). He ate 4 or 5 chunks of carrot in a row before going back to his pizza and continued to give me the stink eye if I so much as made a move to eat one off of his plate.

While I am delighted to have found this bit of trickery, I am nervous about encouraging this unhealthy instinct by capitalizing on it. But it worked with beans and rice last night, carrots tonight, and sweet potatoes last week. And I'm pretty sure my parents used similar techniques with me. Hopefully I am not sowing the seeds of his therapy sessions 20 years from now.

18 month update

2010-11-12T19:31:00.006-05:00

Jonathan went in on Tuesday for his 18 month appointment and so I thought it would be a good time to share some random facts about the most amazing 18month old in the world:

-He continues to be in the 10% for weight and the 90% for height

-When the doctor came into the exam room for his 18 mo appointment, Jonathan looked at him, and proudly said "Hi Doctor!" then pointed to an empty chair and said "Sit-down!". The pediatrician was a bit taken aback, but impressed!

-Currently he is crazy about trash-cans. He points them out wherever we go- from quite far away. This week he has also taken to finding bits of trash around the house (stray bits of lint or clumps of dog hair or pages ripped out of a book) and then parading through the living room declaring "crash-keen, crash-keen" until I unlock the cabinet where the trash can lives and he can throw the offending bit of lint away.

-Almost nothing is as guaranteed to make him as happy as suggesting that we go outside.

-We just weaned him from his morning bottle this week. He maintains a fierce love for his evening bottle and so we are continuing it as part of the bedtime routine (don't tell the doctor)

-Still hates to drink milk from a cup. Thankfully loves yogurt and cheese.

-Loves waffles for breakfast.

- Has 10 teeth

-Still loves balls- particularly soccer balls. (When there is a team practicing soccer in the field across the street it is like a dream come true.) He can correctly identify a baseball, football, basketball, and soccer ball and knows that soccer balls and footballs are for kicking and that basketballs are for shooting. If you make your arms into a a hoop, he will 'shoot' the basketball through the hoop and then *sometimes* say "Go Duke!"

-Says his name and the names of all 8 children in his preschool class as well as the 3 teachers.

-LOVES pushing buttons and pretending to talk on the phone. He holds the phone up to his hear and says "Hi" and then a few random words and then "Bye" and then puts the phone down. If you ask him who he was talking to he usually replies "Grampa"

-He calls his toes "piggies"

-Talks non-stop from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep.

Halloween

2010-11-03T19:00:00.006-04:00

Jonathan had his first "trick-or-treat" experience this year. He still doesn't know what candy is all about, so there was no actual tricking or treating, but we did take a cruise through the neighborhood with his toy car in costume to say hello to the neighbors. And, in my totally unbiased opinion, Jonathan rocked the dragon costume! I'm especially fond of how his tail bounces as his little butt waddles away!

In Mommy's Shoes

2010-10-24T21:10:00.006-04:00

What can I say, Jonathan LOVES shoes. At the pool this summer he could spot an unattended shoe with eagle eyes and would be off stealing them before I could blink. Now he has discovered that he can wear other people's shoes and it's a whole new game!

deflated

2010-10-16T19:14:00.005-04:00

I feel sort of like a deflated balloon. A lot of crappy stuff has happened this fall. In August a former student of mine was killed in a shooting. In September I went to the funeral of this dear young man who didn't make it to 23, but whose son was turning 1 in a week. Two weeks later I lost my baby. And now I just feel weighed down. I am putting one foot in front of the other, making it through every day. I am trying to relish every fleeting moment of Jonathan's one-year-oldness. But some more of life's shiny coating has worn off. I dislike this world where babies die and some people are never given a chance and where there is so much pain. There are things that genuinely make me smile and even laugh every day. But I am always conscious of a deep sadness lurking just behind my smile.

I am afraid. I am afraid I will sink back into my depression. I found a ziplock bag full of 4-year-old prozac in my desk drawer this week, and it made me cry. I don't want to head down that dark path again. I don't want to be depressed again. I don't want to be on meds again or in therapy again. Not that they were not wonderful things for me and things I for which am incredibly thankful and things I would do again in a heartbeat if I needed to. I just really don't want to be in a place where I do need them again.

I don't know where the line is between normal grieving and dealing with stress and needing help. I don't think I have crossed it. Yet. I still feel like myself, just feel like a deflated version. I guess time will tell.

young picasso

2010-10-14T21:41:00.005-04:00

Today Jonathan brought his first art projects home from school!!

I am super glad they are doing art at school. Not only do I think it is important, but I would NOT give him glue, glitter, or finger paint at home. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall in his preschool class during art class. Seriously, 8 one-year-olds with finger paint? I'm just glad I'm not on clean-up duty!

weekend pics

2010-10-03T20:34:00.003-04:00

Jonathan sporting his new kicks and new wheels!

Relaxing while Daddy was working

A Dukie at heart, Jonathan is already loving the basketball!

jealousy

2010-10-03T20:24:00.006-04:00

I took Jonathan with me this afternoon to visit and bring dinner to some friends who just had a baby. As always it took a few minutes for him to survey and get adjusted to new people, but once he was actively engaged with the dog and some balls, I got a chance to hold the new baby. He was precious!! So tiny and wonderful!! I loved it. Jonathan did not. When he saw I was holding the baby, he promptly gave me the stink-eye and marched himself over to my chair. He then pointed to the baby and said emphatically "baby down". I was shocked by his strong and immediate emotional reaction and because I think this is the first time he has strung more than one word together to make a "sentence". I guess jealousy is a powerful motivator for communication!!

not the week I'd imagined

2010-09-30T19:25:00.000-04:00

This week was supposed to have been celebratory. Thursday we were supposed to go for our 10 week prenatal appointment. We were supposed to have an ultrasound and meet with our midwife. We were supposed to focus on happy baby planning. None of those things happened this week. Instead, I went in on Monday for an early ultrasound and found out I'd had a miscarriage. Instead I spend Wednesday having a D&C and sleeping it off.

So tonight instead of cooing over a grainy ultrasound picture and looking forward, I am drinking tea and feeling empty. My planning brain is no longer dreaming of double strollers and tiny onsies. Instead it is blankly staring into the unknown.

I feel differently that I thought I'd feel. I thought I would feel devastated as though I'd lost a child. I don't. I feel a diffuse sense of sadness and glum that I just can't shake. I feel like a hope and a dream died. I think I knew for the last few weeks that something wasn't right. I had been desperately hoping my heart was wrong. But it wasn't. When the doctor showed me the ultrasound image where there should have been a prune sized baby with heart thumping and there was only a still lentil sized blob, I wasn't surprised. It was as though I was suddenly able to acknowledge the grief that had been sitting like a weight in my chest that I'd been trying to blame on paranoia and to ignore.

I'm not fully sure what dealing with this will look like. I find myself tearing up at weird times and snapping at Jim for crazy reasons. But at least we can start to move forward.

phew

2010-09-25T20:08:00.005-04:00

As I sit down to type this, I realize that my last post was quite some time ago. I guess that is testament to just how crazy these first few weeks of back-to-school have been. But we have survived and I think (and hope) are emerging into a better place where there is a little more breathing room and a little less running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Jonathan has finally adjusted to preschool this year. It took him a solid week and a half of crying "most of the morning" before he had a good day with only a few tears when Daddy dropped him off. Those first days were rough on us all. When Jim would get out of the car to drop him off he would start to cry and say "home"; when I would pick him up and he would have dried salt crusted on his cheeks and neck from tears. But now that he realizes this is the routine, he is into it and excited to be at school. Though I think he is still holding onto some residual frustration about me abandoning him (based on how his reactions to me have changed and the frequency of his tantrums).

In the mean time, Jonathan's vocabulary has been continuing to expand like crazy. He has figured out that people besides Mama and Dada have names- and is eagerly learning (so far he's got "Gamma" "UncBri" "Guinee"). He has also started to learn his numbers (the math teacher in me rejoices...). He knows 1 and 2 and loves labeling how many of something there is.

I continue to be amazed at how quickly he is turning into a little boy right in front of us. He is so much fun and so much fun to interact with!!

dipping

2010-09-11T20:14:00.004-04:00

Jonathan is going through a phase where he LOVES to dip food in, well, anything. It started with graham crackers in milk (my personal favorite), but now he insists on dipping his waffles in his yoghurt at breakfast. Two nights ago at dinner he kept picking things up and saying "dip?". When he finally realized there was going to be no dipping, he opted to get down and not eat dinner- not a single bite. So last night, I wised up and served pasta with the sauce on the side- for dipping. Huge hit. He even dipped his grapes in spaghetti sauce (he seemed to think it tasted great). Any suggestions out there for healthy, low prep dipping sauces? I get the feeling I'm going to need to have some ideas on hand for the next few weeks at least!

1st Week Back

2010-09-10T20:06:00.003-04:00

So this was our first week back in the full swing of things. Me at work (with students), Jonathan at preschool, and Jim and I not doing crazy tag-team parenting. And it was a rough week- particularly for Jonathan. Every day on his preschool summary sheet there is some comment to the effect of "Jonathan is still tearful most of the morning". I know my kiddo, and he doesn't do 'tearful'; he does 'wailing sobs' and he does 'fall on the floor screaming', but passively 'tearful' I find hard to believe. Jim said as he started crying as they walked into the building to bring him to school today. By this afternoon when I came home, he had started to loose his voice (I can only assume because of screaming so much). Poor little guy. It is a big transition after being at home all summer- new teachers, new classroom, sleeping on a cot instead of a crib, lots of other screaming kiddos. I wish I had a way to soften the transition. Thankfully it is Friday and so he has two days to regroup at home before back to the grind on Monday.

Hi!

2010-09-07T21:08:00.003-04:00

One of Jonathan's recent word acquisitions is "Hi". He says it with incredible enthusiasm in his voice and this cute little floppy-wristed wave. And as if that wasn't cute enough, today he started talking to his stomach. He lifts up his t-shirt, sticks out his tummy, waves and says "Hi!" Then, he pulls his shirt back down, waves again and says "Bye-bye". Hilarious.

mothering and selfishness

2010-09-03T20:42:00.004-04:00

I have a problem with asking for what I want. To need or want something that takes any amount of time or money or inconvenience from someone else makes me feel incredibly guilty. I think this is a female thing- I'm pretty sure we have evolved to be self-sacrificing as a mothering instinct, because I see this coming out like crazy with Jonathan.

Typical example: We are eating lunch and after having a taste of my cottage cheese, Jonathan decides he likes it. So I feed him all of mine, spoonful by spoonful (without having any myself for fear he won't get his fill) until it is gone. Then I feel mildly guilty for having eaten any since he now wants more and we are out, and leave lunch a little hungry.

Prioritizing obtaining food for your child = good.

Guilt about enjoying a spoonful of cottage cheese = bad.

Today my yoga class was scheduled to go an extra 30 minutes to incorporate a breathing workshop. And I almost decided not to go because it would mean that Jim would *have* to watch Jonathan for another 30 min after I had (selfishly) been at work all day. (it sounds crazier and crazier to me even as I type it). But I needed to work out and to relax and this was the perfect solution. Jim convinced me I should go (he knows what I need better than I do most of the time) and so I did. It was fantastic. It was exactly what I needed. And no one suffered because I was out of the house for 90 minutes. Why can I only see these things in hindsight?

last day of summer

2010-08-29T18:55:00.003-04:00

So today was it- the last day of summer vacation. Tomorrow my days as a lady of leisure come to an end, and once again I am back to the life of a working Mom. So, what did we do on this momentous day? I was hoping for a day that screamed "lazy summer day" to top of a great summer. But Jonathan's molars have been inching their way out and so we ALL started by waking up at 3:30 am for a dance party (you hate to waste any time sleeping on the last day of vacation...) We proceeded to have a bouncy, noisy, energetic morning- including a bouncy, screamy hour and a half Jonathan spent for his morning "nap"...

So the day didn't go exactly as I had envisioned. And while I spent an hour crabbing about the fact that I was spending the last day of summer being screamed/whined at over a baby monitor while mopping the floors instead of relaxing at the beach with a book, I got over it. With a toddler, nothing goes as envisioned so today was par for the course. We snuck in a quick trip to the pool before closing time. We splashed, read books, laughed, played chase. A perfect ending to a perfect summer!

unplugging

2010-08-25T19:13:00.005-04:00

One of the things I have learned again about myself this summer is that I don't like my brain on technology. I hate the way I feel compulsively checking my email, facebook, blogs, etc- like I am hoping for a tiny affirmation or distraction. I read an article (thank you Rachel) and heard an NPR interview about neuroscientists who go into the wilderness for a trip totally away from technology to test the effects. And I can feel all of the effects they describe in reverse as soon as I boot up the computer in the morning. I am resolved to do something about it. (starting by blogging). Jonathan and I went to the botanical gardens and wandered about in the 'woods' for an hour yesterday morning and it was perfect. So peaceful and calm. I felt complete and good without knowing if anyone 'liked' my fb status. I could feel my brain relax in ways I hadn't felt for weeks and had a good chance to just take a deep breath and settle into the end of summer. And then I noticed that Jonathan was eating pebbles.... (why will he eat pebbles, sand, and acorns, but not touch a blueberry??). Anyway, I'm shutting down now (right after I check my blog list) (and my email again) (and then facebook, just one more time...)

sunroom update

2010-08-21T20:08:00.003-04:00

Right before we left for our Minnesota excursion, I bought a rug from Crate and Barrel with the idea of finally toddler-proffing our sunroom so that it is usable space again. We've basically used the space for storing things out of Jonathan's way and as a "hiding" place for to-be-dealt-with-later paperwork. I needed some motivation for spending some serious time tucking away cords and breakables, sorting through piles of paper and junk. The rug seemed like a good motivation- and it was!

I loved its bright look online and even more in person, but when I laid it out, it was obvious that the rest of the room was also going to need an update. So for the past week or so I've been busy sewing new pillow shams in bright colors, consolidating Jonathan's books onto a cute rolling cart, and creating a little artwork!

I love the finished product!! It is light and cheerful and great for cuddling with a toddler and a good book! And such a good feeling to have that room back in use!

table manners

2010-08-18T21:08:00.006-04:00

Jonathan is not exactly what you would call "polite company" at the dinner table. As I imagine is the case with most 15 month olds, there is a lot of banging, throwing, spitting out food, whining, dumping, etc. Today was one of those rare moments were I was able to look at him as this tiny little person exploring and engaging his world (instead of being constantly irked by his poor manners) and I was reminded again that he is just so new at all of this. He doesn't know what happens when you bang a sippy cup into a peanut butter sandwich or the noise banana chunks make when they hit the floor. There are a million ways to pick up a waffle- one of the most fun being to stick your finger though the middle and then try to jam the whole thing into your mouth. And while we are at it, doesn't your voice sound funny when your mouth is so full you can barely breathe? How many times in a row will the dog eat the peas thrown to the floor? What happens when you take a big gulp of water without swallowing and then let your mouth hang open?

He is really tremendously engaged in his own series of experiments, and as a science teacher I hate to discourage inquiry. But at some point manners should be learned. Among my top choices for rules to be followed at our table are:

Once food is in your mouth it stays there and is swallowed.
Food and utensils are not projectiles.
The dog's food and the baby's food are not interchangeable.
"More" and "please" are acceptable ways to make your needs known. "EEEEEH" is not.

I feel like I'm not asking for a lot. My blood pressure would stay considerably lower during mealtime if I had an idea of how and when to teach and enforce these rules. How much is too much to expect from a 1 year old? How much is to little? And what sort of consequences will work when he has such little interest in food to begin with?